My Son Is A Huge Trigger And It's So Conflicting

[GWhizz]

It's so upsetting.

Yesterday I was playing with my 16 month old son, doing my best to enjoy and make the most of our time together - I hate that he suffers because of my issues and sometimes I just feel too screwed up to be a good parent.

Anyway, he loves playing chasing and when I caught him and began tickling him he was shrieking for help but in an excited playful way.

That's when it all flooded back. It's so natural for a young child to shriek for help, even when it's playful. I just wondered how a parent could hear their child's true screams/pleading for help and yet continue to hurt them. I saw my son and his vulnerabilities as a child trusting in me to not hurt him. Yet, I could make a choice to hurt him and he would have no way to stop me.

I'm so so angry and upset. I can't even play with my son without being taken back to an abusive incident. How could they do those things? My child just wants to play and have fun. He doesn't want to upset anyone or cause any conflict. Why couldn't they just leave me alone and let me be a child?

I know this is all heavily self-pitying but it's the 1st time I have begun to think that maybe I didn't do anything that wrong to warrant such hurt. Yes, maybe I accidentally broke something or ran off exploring somewhere out of bounds. But that's what children do. They know no limits or right from wrong.

I hate that this impedes my parenting and that I can't just focus on him rather than myself.

 

[scout86]

I know this is all heavily self-pitying but it's the 1st time I have begun to think that maybe I didn't do anything that wrong to warrant such hurt.

It doesn't sound like self pity to me at all. It sounds like you're noticing the realities of that old situation in a way that's realistic and fair to the child you were. You might not want to think about it, but it's just information.

Sounds like you must be doing SOMETHING right, if you're playing with your son and he's enjoying it. I don't know that he has to have 100% of your focus 100% of the time for you to be a good parent. I'll bet LOTS of parents pause to reflect on their own childhood when they're playing with their kids. Just in a way that's different from yours, because the memories are a lot different than yours..

 

[rightkindofme]

When my kids were very small I read a great blog that talked about this: [DLMURL]http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/09/toddlers-are-triggering/[/DLMURL]

Toddler years are hard. It's a lot easier for me now that my kids are 4 and 6.

 

[Hope4future]

Parenting my two wonderful, yet challenging kids has been triggering for me as well. However, what I've discovered over the years is that the more aware I am that I'm being triggered, the better I can parent them. Instead of reacting to them or interacting with them from a place of fear or anger or whatever gets sparked, I can ground myself in the present and recognize the situation for what it really is, not what it triggers. Generally I have a much more balanced and compassionate interaction. So, your awareness will allow you to make healthier choices.

My T told me that people who grow up in abusive families often think that being a good parent must be really hard, otherwise their parents wouldn't have been so bad at it. The reality is, however, that we don't have to be perfect parents, just good enough and our kids will thrive. We're figuring out this healthy parenting thing without any real-life experience. Awareness is key and it sounds like you have it.
Savor those moments of innocent joy and know you're breaking the pattern, and that benefits everyone and can be especially healing for you.
Good work!

 

[darrenS]

i can relate fully , i was always worried that my kids would have the same type of emotional make up as me and therefore destined to a life of anguish, they have got some of my personality but as they have grown , rather than withdraw and not deal with it, i decided to start having talks with them about the importance of looking after and protecting oneself - i have done this for a couple of years now and have some great open chats with them , we discuss ways strategies to deal with situations and emotions, they are still young so its done at a simple level, but it has freed me up a bit. I also have a hard time when i disassociate as i become somewhat distant with them, they understand now what is happening and have simple ways to deal with it.

I remember my fears initially made my love for them fragile - i always loved them but at times felt devoid and i used to get very distressed and think i was a horrible person. I understand it now and do what i can - it is what it is and being aware of it, without fear and guilt allows you to become aware when its happening and devise strategies to deal with it. I used to find that seeing my kids suffer from lifes normal curveballs made me overreact , now i realize they need to go through it and deal with it and ive learnt to step back and be ready with the tissues and comfort. At any age kids are tough , each phase brings a new problem or issue right through to adult hood

 

[ghotiff]

What I've done with my kids to help me through these type of triggering play fights is used them to teach them really clear boundaries.

If they say "no" or "stop" at any word like that, it means "no" regardless of any jokey tone being used at the time. I then stop immediately and give them physical space and I will not restart playing until they clearly ask.

When we wrestle and they were younger (and less strong) I made it clear verbally that I wouldn't hurt them and if I did (the minor too rough type of hurt sometimes happens) I would apologise way more than necessary. As they got older and started to win the rules have moved to my "no" being respected, and that they are not allowed to hurt me.

We have a decade of trust both ways in these play fights. This and watching them play fight with each other and respect those boundaries is a source of pride.

You'll get through this @GWhizz and I think you will be the better for it. Realising their vulnerability is scary, but I think it will help you have more compassion for yourself, which you deserve :)

 

[Neverthesame]

I think it's deserving of praise for the way you look at the negative experiences you endured growing up, recognise why they were totally unnecessary and just all around bad.
Now as a parent yourself, you know you will never inflict that abuse on your child. While the memories are painful, something good has come from it.

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately a couple of hours after I posted this thread yesterday, I began to miscarry (almost 12wks pregnant). I'm really devastated. I wish I knew why it happened. I can't help but wonder how my insomnia and all the stress I have been dealing with lately, may have affected this pregnancy. It does make me appreciate more than ever, the beautiful little boy I already have.

I did want to reply individually to some of your comments but I'm just in too much pain right now to focus on typing much.

 

[joeylittle]

Oh,@GWhizz, that is a horribly rough thing to go through. I am sending you lots of warm thoughts. I know how easy it is to blame yourself, but try not to. Hugs if they are helpful, and give yourself all the self-soothing in the world, and then some.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

I can't help but wonder how my insomnia and all the stress I have been dealing with lately, may have affected this pregnancy.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are medically trained and I am sure you know how common miscarriages are at that time. Best wishes and look after yourself. I have miscarried too at that point, if you want to pm me, feel free.

 

[AEW]

It's so upsetting.

Yesterday I was playing with my 16 month old son, doing my best to enjoy and make the...

This could be part of the healing process? Accepting that you didn't deserve it and couldn't protect yourself. I can relate, my 18 month old triggers me a lot... with the strangest things sometimes. Maybe our babes are to help us heal a wounded part of ourselves through perspective. Already realized so much and given myself a bit of slack where I was being to self-critical. Seeing ourselves at our humble beginnings, the purity of a child's hearts.

Sending you love and support - we will all be just fine :-)

 

[GWhizz]

This could be part of the healing process? Accepting that you didn't deserve it and couldn't protect yoursel...

Thanks for your response. He's now 2.5years old and I also have a 3 week old boy. Through therapy I've learned to cope better with it all though it's still tough at times.