As most of you know, my son Brian died in a car crash in April of 2007. He had untreated PTSD and although his death was ruled an accident, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that it may well have been a suicide, at least a subconscious one. He was most definitely engaging in typical PTSD risk-taking behaviours.
We have spent the last 8 months trying to grieve, trying to discuss the situation, going to therapy and support groups, all of which is positive. However we have also spent a great deal of time blaming ourselves and one another for his death, second guessing our actions, wondering how we could have done things differently and so on. It has not been easy. Early on I wished myself dead, questioned my own sanity, and taken out my anger on my family, especially my other children. It has been difficult all round. I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one may experience in life. I fully see now how it often changes lives for the worst.
The Christmas holidays were quite difficult, it seems every holiday will now be difficult, with Brian gone. Shortly before our holidays began I came to the realization that I badly need therapy to deal with this. I have been experiencing quite intense symptoms of anxiety and depression which I can no longer ignore. I am going to be evaluated in a couple of weeks, and then begin therapy on my own, though my husband is planning on attending with me on occasion. As a retired therapist it has been most difficult to admit that I am overwhelmed by this problem and cannot handle it alone. However I am determined to push through my "professional pride" and truly deal with this. It has changed my life forever, but there is still much to live for.
I was extremely stressed prior to having my holiday break and I do apologize if I was terse or rude to anyone here on any subject, or regarding my son specifically. Honestly I am uncertain if I have offended or not, and I am not going to look back at my posting history. No use beating myself up in that fashion. I simply recall being quite stressed and I can become quite snappy then. So, my apologies to any who were on the receiving end of that, publicly or privately.
I will still be here editing and commenting as previous, however I plan to take more breaks and not be quite as involved. I have, so to speak, "lost myself" in the problems of others on this forum, to avoid dealing with the pain of losing my son. I am determined to change that in this new year.
We have spent the last 8 months trying to grieve, trying to discuss the situation, going to therapy and support groups, all of which is positive. However we have also spent a great deal of time blaming ourselves and one another for his death, second guessing our actions, wondering how we could have done things differently and so on. It has not been easy. Early on I wished myself dead, questioned my own sanity, and taken out my anger on my family, especially my other children. It has been difficult all round. I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one may experience in life. I fully see now how it often changes lives for the worst.
The Christmas holidays were quite difficult, it seems every holiday will now be difficult, with Brian gone. Shortly before our holidays began I came to the realization that I badly need therapy to deal with this. I have been experiencing quite intense symptoms of anxiety and depression which I can no longer ignore. I am going to be evaluated in a couple of weeks, and then begin therapy on my own, though my husband is planning on attending with me on occasion. As a retired therapist it has been most difficult to admit that I am overwhelmed by this problem and cannot handle it alone. However I am determined to push through my "professional pride" and truly deal with this. It has changed my life forever, but there is still much to live for.
I was extremely stressed prior to having my holiday break and I do apologize if I was terse or rude to anyone here on any subject, or regarding my son specifically. Honestly I am uncertain if I have offended or not, and I am not going to look back at my posting history. No use beating myself up in that fashion. I simply recall being quite stressed and I can become quite snappy then. So, my apologies to any who were on the receiving end of that, publicly or privately.
I will still be here editing and commenting as previous, however I plan to take more breaks and not be quite as involved. I have, so to speak, "lost myself" in the problems of others on this forum, to avoid dealing with the pain of losing my son. I am determined to change that in this new year.
