• We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
  • Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.

General My Son's Death is Tearing Me Apart

Status
Not open for further replies.
Well. Kathleen you are being a bit generous. Not much to be jealous of. Your husband is still in pain, though male pride keeps him from showing it too often. ;-) Part that concerns me about you, is the nightmares and crying. And. Worrying about the kids incessantly. Not wanting to let them out of your sight. Though the worry about Evie currently, agree with that one.

Jim.
 
Hi Kathy, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can't even imagine what your going through. Hang in there!

Oh dear. Forgot to thank you also Tammy. I very much appreciate the support!

Jim said:
Part that concerns me about you, is the nightmares and crying. And. Worrying about the kids incessantly.

Yes, the nightmares especially make me very concerned for myself, as I never dreamt much at all prior to Brian's death. The worrying too of course is quite unlike me. I used to be such a calm person, I miss that about myself!
 
In spite of how busy we were yesterday, I did manage to attend my intake appointment. It was not nearly as embarrassing as I had envisioned. The majority of time was spent in filling out forms and completing assessment tests. Now I must wait for the results of the tests, though from my professional experience and having used identical tests on clients, I already know the results. It was rather odd to be on the receiving of the assessment!
 
Kathy, on our flight home yesterday I was reading the book "I Can't get Over It- Trauma Survivors" (Anthony's bible) & I came across this passage which made me think of you -

"No one can be "together" all of the time. Eventually everyone, no matter how fortunate, encountes a situation that baffles or breaks them".

Hang in there & take care
 
Kathy, you made the first step ! And I can imagine how you felt odd on being on the other side of the fence ! :) You have gone through a lot and still are with your other children, let them help you now !

I have heard that there are many stages in the grieving process. Know that your journey is not over, but you will learn how to live and deal with it ! And, he will always be with you in your heart !

I know that my cousin is now very angry at her son (I mentioned once that my cousin lost her almost 18 year old son in a car accident, in July of last year). He was speeding and was only a few minutes away from home, now she is very angry at him ! Thankfully, noone else was hurt but he never had a chance !

You are jealous of the way Jim is handling it ....but as Jim said " male pride" :) he is in as much pain as you are in, I am sure, but we all react differently, maybe next month Jim will need your support more ?

Worrying is part of being a parent :)....Your nightmares and dreams and the crying is all normal and part of your grieving process ! If you don't want to talk to anyone, if you are mad at people, all this is a normal part of grieving ! Don't put yourself down ! and certainly don't blame yourself for how and what you are feeling !
 
I must add here, that whilst what Frankie states around being normal, is that do not allow it to become your new normal. Then your in the shit... just ask anyone with PTSD. Kathy, well done on your evaluation and this is what I talk about in regards to those in the industry being the hardest to treat. You said you know the answers already, hence the hard part.

This is not the first time you have been through traumatic episodes within your life Kathy, and whilst more personal to you being your son, you have still healed from other matters and helped others within your family heal them. Now just turn your magic wand upon yourself please and I truly hope this therapy helps you for what understanding you need to get from it. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this helps you Kathy.... more importantly, you help yourself throughout the process. I don't want to be helping you deal with PTSD later down the track thanks... when it can be avoided by helping yourself totally now.
 
It was rather odd to be on the receiving of the assessment!

I imagine it would be. But the first step is always the hardest and you did it. Good for you. Therapy is never fun, it's never something you look forward to, but it is a way to help yourself to deal with something you've learned you can't deal with by yourself. BTW-that's a mantra I've used on myself for a long time now to get my rear end to my appointments.

Take care of yourself, Kathy.

Hugs
Lisa
 
Thank you Lisa. Yes therapy is not fun. And in my case I feel almost as if I am coming out of retirement! Though obviously that is silly as I am now the client. It is quite strange though. I fully see now why many therapists are loathe to do it. In a way though it will be nice as I am not the one having to take notes, write in charts, communicate with the treatment team and so on! :wink: Those tasks were a large part of my job and were the parts I liked the least!
 
do not allow it to become your new normal.

Yes excellent point Anthony, thank you. Grieving is normal obviously, and losing one's child is especially difficult. Additionally 8 months is really not such a long time to deal with a traumatic death. Jim is still grieving, Evie is grieving, the other children are grieving... however there is a certain "quality" to their grieving which suggests to me they are getting on with things in spite of their pain. Myself, on the other hand - I have reached a point where I do not believe my grieving is normal any longer. Not that I should not feel sad or angry or any other of the feelings I am experiencing - rather that these feelings are now spilling into the rest of my life and interferring with my day to day living in a rather large way. That is what I fear is not normal. I have not talked much about my symptoms here, however perhaps I should.

anthony said:
This is not the first time you have been through traumatic episodes within your life Kathy, and whilst more personal to you being your son, you have still healed from other matters and helped others within your family heal them.

Again, this is why I suspect it is not normal this time round. I was much stronger after the murders than I am now. Even with Evie being run off all that time and Jim and I worrying for her safety it was not like this. I've never experienced nightmares and anxiety to this extent in my entire life. Whilst Jim and I were driving to town yesterday, we saw the wreckage of an accident on the highway. Jim did not make the connection however I immediately thought of Brian. I was quite out of sorts for the rest of the day, crying and being quite snappy with Jim, and experienced fresh nightmares of Brian that evening.

I might as well say here that the results of my assessment are leaning towards my having traumatic stress. Not PTSD, but temporary traumatic stress that may be eradicated with treatment. I do intend to work dilligently upon myself so that it does not become anything more than that. I feel fortunate as Jim has had traumatic stress from combat and was able to work through it. So, given his experience, he will assist me in addition to the therapy. I need to accept his help and not be proud! We are both hoping for the best possible outcome.
 
Kathy, well done for your acknowledgement of your self. The starting point with all trauma Kathy does not change, in that you must list your trauma, you must then list what you feel surrounding each traumatic issue / event, you then take those feelings and expand them as much as possible to isolate the exact problems. You need a place to begin working with what is in your head, but until you get what you feel and think out on paper for yourself and others to help you, the problems just remain yours. If Jim is helping you, I honestly believe you should be doing this now, outside of therapy, as therapy cannot achieve what you can if you work hard at yourself. You can have therapy for years and achieve nothing if you aren't prepared to look at every detail yourself, regardless how painful some parts may be, you must face the pain and face your emotional fears yourself. You simply need that support to help you through, though nobody can actually help you identify and solve the problems, only you can do that for yourself. Just remember Kathy, I am always here if you need me, just email and I will help you. Trauma is my speciality.....
 
I do understand the situation better now Kathy, and I agree with what Anthony is saying. Grief is normal, and grief to a certain degree is healthy. Anthony said it best when he said "do not allow it to become your new normal" And also true, everyone can help you in their own way, but you have to face all the pain and fears ! You are on the right path, you have taken the path of healing !
 
Dear Kathy,
I also am happy that you are taking steps towards healing yourself. Just know we all here support you and wish you the very best!
Tammy
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Donation drives

2026 Donation Goal

Goal
$1,800.00
Earned
$910.00
This donation drive ends in
0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
  50.6%

Trending content

Featured content

Back
Top Bottom