General My Son's Death is Tearing Me Apart

[lrs]

I have 3 daughters, I can't imagine what a loss like yours must be like. I wish you all the best.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you both, I am starting to feel better, though as you say Anthony there is a lot of work ahead! Everyone in the house is still a bit out of sorts, I believe aside from Brian, and Colin's deployment, it is simply the weather. We are in the midst of the coldest and dreariest few weeks of the year, and I believe it is all getting to us a bit (as it does to virtually everyone who lives here!).

 

[dljwhitewolf]

I only knew love of father and brother, they were my world, they died of huntington's disease, I too, had too many near death experiences, I know where they are, and just how beautiful,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I believe that there is a huge book in the sky, in it it says a name date of birth and date of death, and nothing and no one can prevent that.
I had witness many a murder, and as tiny as I was, I said a prayer for each one of the good souls that wound up in the wrong area at the wrong time.
I just found out today, that a dear friend had passed away, in calling a different state where we grew up, ny, now in nc, to tell others of his passing, I found out another dear friend past two years ago.
Lisa, Lars who passed today, was guilt ridden over petty arguments they had, Lisa knows my abuse of the past and some of the abusers, (satanic cult foster care), I told her that Lars is in his mothers arms right now, and that no matter what "we" think we could have done, God chose to take our loved ones for his own reasons.
I believe when I am overwrought with anguish, that in a way I am not letting my loved ones experience all the joy on the other side, because they are mourning my sadness.
I would go to my fathers gravesite, with a pack of marlboros two cups of coffee and sit and cry,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i usually would bring a small stuffed animal of a cool color, as he was a race car driver, and tell him that that color was the in thing, I would make sure to laugh at stuff before i left, as if he were right there.
Next, my brother was at the same plot.
Well crushed yes, but this time when i visited it was with a pack of marlboros two cups of coffee and one heineken.
Dad got his coffee and smokes first at the head of the stone,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and I would slowly let my brother have sips way down at the feet.
I would tell him don't you dare get any of that beer in Diddy's coffee, boy.
Again leaving the cemetary, bleary eyed but laughing at what life was doing at the moment.
I know I will see them again, I have no doubt. It just hurts that the ones that filled our hearts the most, are the ones that can leave.
Today, besides two deaths, one a year ago, and I will have to write the obit as usual, I have been deemed the writer in too many worlds, my ferret is missing and possible inside the walls of the apt. complex, which thankfully is only two stories and five across.
and have told others to look out for her.
I hope anything I've said helps you, I am an indian shaman, but it seems I was put here to bury, and I want to quit the job, but can't find the boss.............errrrrrrrrr
blessings,,,
Donna-Lynne aka White Wolf

 

[dljwhitewolf]

chat-ptsd I just posted a thread called another death to deal with, maybe my way of handling things may be helpful or at the very least insightful,
you are in my prayers,
Donna-Lynne

 

[batgirl]

I decided to write here rather than create a new thread. We are all feeling kind of shitty right now, even Dad. I'm not sure why except we did do a kind of grieving exercise and it turned out to be pretty intense. Jacob is the lucky one, he went back to school the other day!! :p I am so upset and angry right now, and sad all at the same time, that I don't even trust myself to write much of anything. I hope this lets up soon for all of us.

 

[morgan]

I don't know my way around this forum to well yet so I just now am reading about y'alls pain and grief. I just want to say that you are all in my thoughts. please take good care.:Hug_emoticon:
Morgan

 

[dljwhitewolf]

batgirl,
I see and hear you, losing someone runs the gamets of emotions, all very, very normal.
A woman once said, the longer my husbands death is, the better he gets.
We tend to try to remember all the goodness that person has caused in his life, after time, and the sadder ones lessen, abit.
Our hearts are not designed to accept losses, especially ones that are grand. Let yourself feel all that you do, maybe a journal would be a good idea, writing how you are feeling when bothered, sad, angry, and let those feelings out on paper and not bottled up inside.
You can even write letters to him, telling him why these feelings are present.
He is amongst the best of the best, we are left to pick up the peices of our broken hearts.
Sorry for your loss,
Donna-Lynne

 

[Kathy]

Thank you for your thoughts Donna-Lynne and Morgan. Always appreciated.

I have been away for a few days, as Evie mentioned we completed a grieving exercise which was quite intense, and I thought it best to have a break from the forum whilst I sorted everything out in my mind. It was very painful, however I did make a major breakthrough, in that it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

 

[Nicolette]

It was very painful, however I did make a major breakthrough, in that it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

Congratulations Kathy. We are all sorry for Brian's death and your pain but it is really good news that you have came to this realisation on your own and you believe it.

 

[Marlene]

it "clicked" to me finally that Brian's death was not my fault, nor anyone's fault. Intellectually I had known this already, however this is the first time I truly believed it. It was a very liberating feeling.

It is quite liberating. Intellectually we know things, but it seems to take a while for our emotions to catch up to our intellect. I'm glad that you've gotten around this corner. It's a really big step.

Hugs
Lisa

 

[anthony]

You already know my thoughts Kathy.... well done. The rides not over yet, however; a major aspect you have dealt with. How you approach things now is in your control.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you all. I am having to pinch myself to make certain it is really true, that I am no longer blaming myself for his death, however it is! I do have more to accomplish however being able to realize this major truth gives me much hope for my recovery. I realize now I was not very hopeful that I would ever recover.