Sufferer My story - childhood and grown up SA trauma

[SeekingAfrica]

I've been on the forum for so long I lost count. I don't know when I first came if I was even capable of telling my story. My 3rd year in university I had to either take leave or go to the USA for the summer to try to earn money. My parents couldn't even send my on the trip so I work and borrowed from few friends. I was going to earn enough. Unlike the first such trip that I did with friends, I was on my own this time. So,I made some mistakes. I booked cheap motel advertised as 30min from city center. Coming from Europe system where my city usually needs that time, it didn't occur to my 30min meant it cou,d be on a highway. I could find accommodation in the 3 nights I had booked and had neither phone nor laptop. I had to search for place on my own or on 30 min free internet at the library. But I found a place and that's when the nightmare began.

I gave mylast money for weekly rent in rooming house for seasonal workers. I felt safe,it felt like uni dormitories where we all get along. That is,until one of the guys aggressively flirted with me and when I set him straight he made me feel like I was overreacting. Eventually one night his friend left and locked the room leaving me alone with that guy. That was the first time I was raped. I had so many bruises and no money for moving or painkillers, no job and limited time so I put my clothes in a bag at the bottom of my wardrobe and went into denial. I must've told parts to a woman that I had met in the city, because when she visited, he warned her about me spreading lies and rumors about what went down (I hadn't, he was getting ahead of it) that when she talked to me I had successfully managed to forget that I had bruises, and avoided course parties like the plague..

I was to young and ashamed and a foreigner to know what to do. I walked in front ofcars and away like weird adrenaline junkie and ignored red flags. Like the guy that locked me almost convincing me it was my fault for flirting. Suddenly I was out of money, stuck in that house and all alone. I woke from nightmares, ignored eating and locked my door down. But it was a rooming house and people came and went and before this ended, it happened few more times until i was so bruised and broken I thought it was my fault for going there. One of the times, I snapped into being 6 years old. Didn't know thagat the time, but this was the first rip into childhood trauma I had avoided and buried and ran away from for 10 years. That and the confidence issues and weird reactions that came with it.

I had no capacity for dealing witn this, and I had went there to make money, for my parents, for my education and for the loans I'd taken from friends. I lost one job because the boss was harassing me. There were addicts and street shootings and deals under the table and my honest self already being in denial about me, couldn't cope. I concerned on work and going home as I'd somehow be myself again if I came back. I was an ocean and 20h of planerides and bus away from home and I couldn't worry other people. Eventually that guy found a job in another city and just left. And I went home, and everything's blew up in my face like a bomb. I didn't make enough so I didn't take a leave of absence thankfully. But the moment I was back in uni it was worse. Because everything andeveryone was just as nice as I remembered and I was at the perfect place to study and thrive with huuuge library, great classes, fantastic friend, parties, seminars, fitness, clubs. And me? I was a ghost and all I knew was that I had taken agambleand had lost. And suddenly I was living 2 lives. Nightmares, flashbacks, lies, pretending I was fine and having the memory capacity of a toddler, not eating, not sleeping and jumpy at any touch... and the me I was pretending to be until I broke- student, daughter, friend.

Took a year to admit anything was wrong. Took longer to talk. Took nearly 4 years until I was officially diagnosed.

It's been a long journey after that, as some of you know. But lately everything is so intense it's been on my mind so I had to share. This is only the adult ttrauma, but you see how intertwined it is with my character and money and my self esteem, ...which is why eviction and money making cut so deep lately. Like I made a full circle. Except I'm older and ashamed I grew so much, did so much yet a part of my is still that ghost that can't cope with bad reality and makes it worse. I don't know why, just had to share. Today, not, as it is a pretty heavy PTSD and dissociation day and it hurts in a way I feel only people here will get.

 

[Riley Jones]

I've been on the forum for so long I lost count. I don't know when I first came if I was even capable of telling my story. My 3rd year in university I had to either take leave or go to the USA for the summer to try to earn money. My parents couldn't even send my on the trip so I work and borrowed from few friends. I was going to earn enough. Unlike the first such trip that I did with friends, I was on my own this time. So,I made some mistakes. I booked cheap motel advertised as 30min from city center. Coming from Europe system where my city usually needs that time, it didn't occur to my 30min meant it cou,d be on a highway. I could find accommodation in the 3 nights I had booked and had neither phone nor laptop. I had to search for place on my own or on 30 min free internet at the library. But I found a place and that's when the nightmare began.

I gave mylast money for weekly rent in rooming house for seasonal workers. I felt safe,it felt like uni dormitories where we all get along. That is,until one of the guys aggressively flirted with me and when I set him straight he made me feel like I was overreacting. Eventually one night his friend left and locked the room leaving me alone with that guy. That was the first time I was raped. I had so many bruises and no money for moving or painkillers, no job and limited time so I put my clothes in a bag at the bottom of my wardrobe and went into denial. I must've told parts to a woman that I had met in the city, because when she visited, he warned her about me spreading lies and rumors about what went down (I hadn't, he was getting ahead of it) that when she talked to me I had successfully managed to forget that I had bruises, and avoided course parties like the plague..

I was to young and ashamed and a foreigner to know what to do. I walked in front ofcars and away like weird adrenaline junkie and ignored red flags. Like the guy that locked me almost convincing me it was my fault for flirting. Suddenly I was out of money, stuck in that house and all alone. I woke from nightmares, ignored eating and locked my door down. But it was a rooming house and people came and went and before this ended, it happened few more times until i was so bruised and broken I thought it was my fault for going there. One of the times, I snapped into being 6 years old. Didn't know thagat the time, but this was the first rip into childhood trauma I had avoided and buried and ran away from for 10 years. That and the confidence issues and weird reactions that came with it.

I had no capacity for dealing witn this, and I had went there to make money, for my parents, for my education and for the loans I'd taken from friends. I lost one job because the boss was harassing me. There were addicts and street shootings and deals under the table and my honest self already being in denial about me, couldn't cope. I concerned on work and going home as I'd somehow be myself again if I came back. I was an ocean and 20h of planerides and bus away from home and I couldn't worry other people. Eventually that guy found a job in another city and just left. And I went home, and everything's blew up in my face like a bomb. I didn't make enough so I didn't take a leave of absence thankfully. But the moment I was back in uni it was worse. Because everything andeveryone was just as nice as I remembered and I was at the perfect place to study and thrive with huuuge library, great classes, fantastic friend, parties, seminars, fitness, clubs. And me? I was a ghost and all I knew was that I had taken agambleand had lost. And suddenly I was living 2 lives. Nightmares, flashbacks, lies, pretending I was fine and having the memory capacity of a toddler, not eating, not sleeping and jumpy at any touch... and the me I was pretending to be until I broke- student, daughter, friend.

Took a year to admit anything was wrong. Took longer to talk. Took nearly 4 years until I was officially diagnosed.

It's been a long journey after that, as some of you know. But lately everything is so intense it's been on my mind so I had to share. This is only the adult ttrauma, but you see how intertwined it is with my character and money and my self esteem, ...which is why eviction and money making cut so deep lately. Like I made a full circle. Except I'm older and ashamed I grew so much, did so much yet a part of my is still that ghost that can't cope with bad reality and makes it worse. I don't know why, just had to share. Today, not, as it is a pretty heavy PTSD and dissociation day and it hurts in a way I feel only people here will get.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the harrowing experiences you've been through. It's clear that you've faced immense challenges and struggles, and it takes immense courage to share your story. Your willingness to open up about your trauma shows strength and resilience.

Going through such traumatic events can deeply affect every aspect of our lives, from our sense of self to our relationships and daily functioning. It's understandable that the impact of PTSD and dissociation can be overwhelming and isolating. However, reaching out and connecting with others who understand what you're going through can be a crucial step in the healing process.

In the peer-to-peer community at myptsd.com, you can find a supportive space where individuals with similar experiences come together to share stories, provide empathy, and offer guidance. It's a place where you can feel understood and validated, where you can speak openly without judgment.

If you haven't already, I encourage you to explore the specific forums on myptsd.com that cater to different aspects of PTSD and CPTSD. You may find valuable insights, coping strategies, and solidarity from others who have walked similar paths.

Remember, seeking help from a professional therapist or counselor can also be instrumental in your healing journey. You've shown immense strength in facing your challenges, and with the right support, you can continue to heal and grow.

You are not alone in this, and there are people who care and understand. Your courage to share your story is a testament to your resilience, and I hope you find solace and support in this community.

 

[Rose White]

Nice work writing it out! That’s a lot of stuff to manage

 

[arfie]

i am in awe, seeki. the courage you just demonstrated in this all-important step is far greater than the courage it takes to travel to foreign countries and/or work your entrepreneurial spirit. i salute you, my healing warrior. may your courage lead us all to a better world.

for what it's worth
i started my psychotherapy with full trauma induced amnesia and could not understand why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. my business attempts kept falling apart and later my sons suffered as well before i began to gain clues as to why my shrinks kept saying "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. all those psycho snot knots began to unravel when i started setting the truth free, kinda like you just did with this courageous post.

stay brave, my healing warrior. keep on putting one proverbial foot in front of the other. itsy bitsy baby steps.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

i am in awe, seeki. the courage you just demonstrated in this all-important step is far greater than the courage it takes to travel to foreign countries and/or work your entrepreneurial spirit. i salute you, my healing warrior. may your courage lead us all to a better world.

for what it's worth
i started my psychotherapy with full trauma induced amnesia and could not understand why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. my business attempts kept falling apart and later my sons suffered as well before i began to gain clues as to why my shrinks kept saying "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. all those psycho snot knots began to unravel when i started setting the truth free, kinda like you just did with this courageous post.

stay brave, my healing warrior. keep on putting one proverbial foot in front of the other. itsy bitsy baby steps.

Thank you for sharing too. It felt good writing it but it's so physically exhausting too. And confusing.

As you said guilt and shame are the worst symptoms. They sort of sneak up on you and linger in less obvious ways, until there is a hard moment and they take over.
I don't know if I'll ever feel like I did all I could in that situation. Maybe not.

I thought saying it will free me to fight for myself, believe in myself more in the present but it's been still confusing. I'm not sure which step is next. Nothing works as it did before. Even the things that sustained me in hard times before are different now. There's nothing to lean on but myself. And I'm not sure who that is right now.

 

[arfie]

As you said guilt and shame are the worst symptoms. They sort of sneak up on you and linger in less obvious ways, until there is a hard moment and they take over.

when i thought amnesia was a good thing, i would have sworn those snakes were sneaky. a few decades later, i think my repression was simply deep enough to blind me. the meanest lies in the world are the ones we tell ourselves. i am fine. how are you?

I don't know if I'll ever feel like I did all I could in that situation. Maybe not.

the biggest for sure is that we don't get to rewrite the past. the best we can hope for is to learn from the past.

I thought saying it will free me to fight for myself, believe in myself more in the present but it's been still confusing.

letting the truth out of jail was/is the most liberating experience i have ever had. of course it is confusing. change always is, even when the change is for the better. in my own case, i had to censor my urge to fight. fighting only turned me into a psychotic hate machine while i was the only one getting black eyes out of the deal. forgiveness frees me far more than fighting.

I'm not sure which step is next.

and that is fine. when you are ready for the next step, it will be obvious to you.

There's nothing to lean on but myself.

agree to disagree. in my own case, the available help became more obvious to me as i grew more comfortable with my new freedom. you can't climb a lifeline which is attached to your own belt. collaboration is essential.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I can't tell if I'm fine. I can't say what I feel, changes in waves since I wrote. Relief, confusion, guilt, shame, empowerment, change in something fundamental that's been there for a long time but I'm not sure what. Feeling like I have lived under certain main understanding since than and now it's crumbling or changing to something new....

Maybe I'll know in the morning....

P.s. never meant fight literally, I meant despite steps forward there are things in life I still struggle with and hold back from fear I'm not good enough and I was not so before, at least not about as much.
I can't change the past but maybe I can value my abilities more and let go of some of the guilt and shame...

Does any of this make any sense?
I just know that on some level this thread was important to do.