Relationship Need Advice From Sufferers

[JM318]

@NaeNae75 Great read by the way, thank you!

 

[NaeNae75]

I just started crying for some reason, I am feeling defeated today. I am thankful that most days I am fee...

Oh boy! I'm feeling exactly the same as you today. Even thought we've done this a million times, for some reason it feels different to me today for some reason. I seriously don't even know why or what is happening or what I should do right now. My anxiety is off the charts today! I'm so sorry for you.....it's a horrible feeling, isn't it?
What usually helps me is to give myself a "schedule". I don't follow it very well, lol....but it at least helps keep me calm. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

 

[Endure]

I just started crying for some reason, I am feeling defeated today. I am thankful that most days I am fee...

((Hugs)) I'm going through the same thing tonight. I broke down and contacted him again today using help from some members on this forum to craft a message that took the pressure way off him. I didn't expect a response, but of course I always have that little bit of hope. The hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is him not responding at all to any of my messages. At this point I would take a f**k you, leave me alone, don't contact me again, I hate you. It's the deafening silence that kills me. Who does that??? I've had breakups before and by this point either the man or I would have said "I'm sorry, but it's over." To continue to read messages from someone telling you they love you, will be here for you and the door is always open, and then not say something is incredibly cruel. But then there is always that thing they said to you back during the time that was good that sticks with you. " I am going to have issues and may not handle them exactly the way you want me to. Be patient please". And then you don't want to give up.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

honestly I've been happier not having been with you, I haven't had a temper in weeks". I haven't replied

When one enters into a relationship, one make himself vulnerable to another. It could very well be that this sense of vulnerability frightens him, sets him on edge. If so, his statement to you might not have been a lashing out, but rather an honest assessment that, without the relationship, he actually did feel some relief.

Ben

 

[JM318]

When one enters into a relationship, one make himself vulnerable to another. It could very well...

Maybe you are right @BuckarooBanzai :( All I know is the last time we had a conversation about all this face to face and he opened up about how he was feeling (anxious to see progress, constant negativity that kills him from the inside out) he told me he was starting therapy and when we hugged he said "I love you for sticking around". It's been about a month since therapy started.

 

[Endure]

Do we listen to what they said before, or do we listen to what was the last thing they said to us? That's what's hard to discern. But it's possible even their own emotions will change from the last thing they said. They could be on the same roller coaster we are on.

 

[JM318]

Do we listen to what they said before, or do we listen to what was the last thing they said to us? That'...

And I'm sure they are on the same rollercoaster. I don't think there's an answer to that, everyone is different :/ And in response to your message before, I've just learned it best to not try to contact them, and learn okay to be in the unknown until they are ready to talk.

 

[Endure]

And I'm sure they are on the same rollercoaster. I don't think there's an answer to that, everyone is dif...

I agree with you on the no contact under normal circumstances. My situation is different than yours and I have to try and switch the negative thoughts and pressure he was feeling from me. LIke I said, I got some help from sufferers on the message I sent. He probably won't contact me again, but that would be more based on what initially occurred rather than what I'm doing now. My only hope to get him back at this point is to let him know I will be ok when he's not here.

 

[NaeNae75]

I agree with you on the no contact under normal circumstances. My situation is different than yours and...

All I can say is everyone's situation is different. We all have had negative thoughts and pressure put on us....It seems like you're trying to justify why you keep contacting him. You think he won't contact you based on before and not now. At this pace, it's going to have reflections in both. In another thread, you said no "normal" man would react this way....I really beg to differ at this point. I think instead of worrying about constantly contacting him so he "knows" how okay you are when he isn't here, maybe you should actually focus on really being okay while he's not here instead. Honestly, I could barely believe you said you were in your 40's in one of your posts. You keep wanting to compare these "vets" to "normal" men....guess what....they NEVER will be. You can not fix it and you can not change them. You can only change yourself. You can only make yourself healthy enough to handle this. It can get better, but it never goes away.
I really don't want to be confrontational, but I've seen a lot of people on here try to gently tell you these things. Not even in a "normal" world or breakup would the amount of contact be healthy. He isn't playing with you....this isn't some game. You can choose to believe whatever you want, but in this world, you will never survive being a "normal" girlfriend....and NO not all of us on here are. In fact I know of many on here that have adapted and that's why they manage. He is not going to come around to your way of wanting him to do things.
You mention doing the "boundary thing" and want him to respect them, but you have not respected his. You wan't him to accept your insecurities and blame his PTSD when he doesn't. Maybe right now the best thing you can do for you and your relationship is really learn about it...not what just fits into you taking any culpability from you. I always try to see what it is that I'm not understanding. Sometimes it is me that isn't being healthy and he responds negatively to that. Maybe you should worry about cleaning your own doorstep right now.
You obviously are nice and want to do the right thing. Right now the right thing is to be with yourself. You can write letters or whatever you want, but you can't expect him to respond the way you want. After 6.5 years of this with him, 20 years of it with my own diagnosis, and an entire life with my father's PTSD....I have learned tools on how to make myself more capable. Just like you can't "fix" an alcoholic, you can't fix this either. It's there....please reflect if this is what you really want and if you can handle it. There is a lot of support in groups, especially this one....and other's as well, but support isn't enabling unhealthy behavior. Yours or his.
I promise you, I really wish you the best and peace and love, but you have to see the bigger picture first, I think. I really am not trying to be rude...but I can not help but be direct so maybe you look at everything.

 

[Endure]

All I can say is everyone's situation is different. We all have had negative thoughts and pressure put...

I appreciate your candor. I think you may have misunderstood what I was saying there. We had a fight over something I did which should not have gotten to the level it had, but because he was symptomatic he was not able to work through it with me. Being that our relationship was fairly new, the only experience I had with his PTSD were 2 episodes that occurred in a span of a week just prior. The first time he completely blocked me, but came back 2 days later. The 2nd time we were together and he communicated with me through it. Things were happening so fast I didn't know what was going on or what to do. When we had our fight the last time I spoke with him, there was no actual "breakup" or ending. He just cut me off and disappeared. I think any woman would try to contact their boyfriend with such an ambiguous last conversation. Especially one who didn't yet understand PTSD. I'm doing the best I can to find answers and what is probably closure. It's very hard when I have nothing to go on from him other than silence. I wish I had years of experience like you did. I'm sure I would have handled it differently.

 

[NaeNae75]

I appreciate your candor. I think you may have misunderstood what I was saying there. We had a fight ove...

I'm sorry if I offnded you... I just know how difficult of a life this can really be. Thanks for the clarification. I just don't want you to get yourself hurt thinking they can ever be normal.

 

[Endure]

I'm sorry if I offnded you... I just know how difficult of a life this can really be. Thanks for the...

We are all struggling here. Sometimes we may say things that don't come out right, but I think we all find grace in understanding, because we are all in this together.

IF he comes back, I am very aware it will not be normal. It is my unconditional love for him that allows me to accept that. I started researching after his 2nd episode, but just didn't have enough time to get the gist of it before it all came crashing down.

In my first contact attempt I told him I'm willing to learn and stand by him, but he needs to give me patience as well. It is just very hard to stand by him when I have no idea if he even wants me to right now. I waiver between never giving up on him, or letting him go because I don't want to look like a fool if he doesn't want me. It's hard to know when I have no idea what he's thinking. If he asked me to, or if he gave me some sign, I would wait for him forever.