Need Perspective Of An Unpleasant Situation...

[Tswevnz]

Heya- thank you for reading my post! In the last 2 months I've started trauma therapy for a numerous horrific physical accidents .In the same time iv become more and more numb and unfocused - I simply struggle to focus. To remember things to simply cope with day to day life. I keep getting upsetting setbacks and with no reserve energy to spare for new incidents .
I'm simply empty.

Last week alone I finally got diagnosis from a back specialist that I need lumbar spine fusion , got so distracted I lost my brand new iPhone then a few days after I wrote my truck off after sliding off gravel road and hitting a tree.

Through all of this. I'm simply numb- I see it happen but can't react. Same with pressure of work and in this case an extra job I took on. I'm detailing a 650sqm house ( I'm an architect) whilst still working full time elsewhere . Combined with my PTSD , health problems , plans of moving home to Sweden from New Zealand .... Iv simply started slipping. I'm loosing control of my life and iv simply given up. I exist - go through the motion - but it's like watching my life through a camera .

So this week I fessed up to being unable to meet Fridays deadline , that my life has been to unstable and I'm simply not managing . At all.

The reply I got from the person expecting the drawings where -
"I will get sued for your lack of performance "

Haha wich in New Zealand is a joke pretty much - an angry reaction to my lack of performance, wich I understand and it is totally valid . make no mistake I take FULL responsibility for taking on this job - BUT halfway in I simply feel to lost and overwhelmed to continue.
It's not personal or intended to hurt anybody - but iv finally reached a point where my whole body just says STOP.

So bearing in mind I know that I am letting someone down - I still struggle with the email that followed. Thank goodness being as numb as I am - I said nothing to retaliate - but now I'm more curios to hear other peoples opinion. This is what my "so called friend " wrote:


:- "It just isn’t professional & quite frankly it tests my friendship also
I have no intention off putting myself in your shoes as you are already so good at doing that yourself. It seems to me that you are just so self-absorbed these days that professionalism, let alone friendship, just gets thrown out the window
Sorry to seem so harsh but I really think it is about time for some home truths, you seem to use your friends up & then spit them out when they do something which displeases you such as being truthful
I just really don’t know where to go from here & quite frankly am to exhausted to ponder it"

What I read from this through my PTSD eyes is this:

1)" putting herself in my shoes.".. To me kinda insinuates that she fully believes I'm perfectly normal like anybody else with full control in my life.
As if having horrific near death accident or nasty physical injuries doesent affect me. Getting setback upon setback with no long term side effect at all? You'd have to be inhuman to do that

She simply thinks I'm a complete screw up with no excuses for not holding it together. ( please note iv still managed to keep it together , 3 years alone on the other side of the planet from my family , earthquakes , loss off home , partner, rafting acc. Horsefall u name it) I still mange to work and look after a farm on my own.

I'm self absorbed. Apparently ? Even though my main PTSD problem is avoidance, lol I still somehow manage to be both in my loneliness.


Using up friends . Now that is an interesting one. What normally happens in my life is this. I doubt my existence most days . Any HINT of feeling unwanted / unliked / in the way / done a mistake ... I feel like such a waste of space I can't bare inflicting my company on anybody. So I withdraw.
The suggestion that I avoid people because I can't hear the so called " truth" ( truth, what truth? A persons opinion doesent make it a fact) about me. I'm quite baffled by that comment because I haven't had any bust ups or anything - so that comment seems more like a vindictive retaliation for my professional failure.

Either way. Showed the email to a good friend that is an honest good strong person that would pull me up on stuff like this - if they had been true.
She thought the email was way to harsh .

What is your opinion ?
So to sum up - I took on a job - I'm failing to deliver due to increased PTSD symptoms and various accidents setting me back , I'm finally admitting I'm not coping and advised my friend to find someone that could do the job full time.
Nothing has happened , nothing more than a mid job deadline being pushed back.
Me resigning.
I'm to out of touch with my feelings to get a normal perspective reaction.
Does she expect an apology of me even existing ??

 

[ghotiff]

That is such a horrible and un-just email that was sent to you that I can't even bring myself to re-read it to be able to comment further.

 

[Tswevnz]

Thank you for your reply.
Haha however as mentioned - I'm so numb at the moment I can crash my vehicle into a tree without even feeling upset or anything.
This letter is so unreal I just don't have the energy to even be angry? Iv got so many traumas in my luggage I can't give in to emotions or I'll collapse.

I'm just curious of people's reaction because me- I struggle to have one.

 

[Storm-ridden]

That email almost made me laugh, actually. The absurdity of what your "friend" had to say and how she contradicts herself by acting exactly as she claims you act- seriously over the top ridiculous. My opinion on this is that you don't need her in your life- professionally or as a friend. ((((@Tswevnz )))) I hope you get some relief from everything soon. I know how much it sucks to be that numb.

 

[Tswevnz]

Yea I went home.
Deleted her & the entire family of my face book. She has been like a surrogate mum for me and her kids are like my siblings.
But no.
Don't need it. No one does.

The irony ( trust me, I'm so proud for taking the high road ) there are
P l e n t y of "truthful" things I could say back, but didn't and won't . Lol LOVE the logic that if you say something hurtful to someone- and they don't want talk to you again - walking away is an admission of guilt . Haha so a TRUE friend would take any kind of abuse and stay to prove them wrong ?
Yeeee naaa

My friend is one of those people (even with her kids ) that unless you visit or call , you won't hear from her. So engulfed in her farm and life everything else has to be planned around it .


I'm trying to understand her lash out, my therapist told me it's common for people to misunderstand . Unfortunately the main issue with PTSD is lack of communication skills and it doesn't help. Thinking back now on a discussion I had a week ago. I'm TERRIFIED Having a lspine surgery , it has really freaked me out. So then she went on to tell me : apparently her and a friend nurse had discussed my problem and lumbar spine fusion wasn't so bad.

So bad ? Screws in your spine and 7 months of work . How is that not a big deal ? I see now that my fears and tears and need to talk about it , must have been a perfect example to be stamped as "self absorbed ". Diminishing spinal surgery because she can't be bothered talking about it and "feeding " my selfishness. Haha this vent is working - starting to feel pretty f*cking pissed off!!!

 

[Bim]

... that was an awful email from a "friend"... She has to work out on her own logical thinking herself. I think she's more "self-absorbed" than she claims you are :)
Don't stop fighting Tswevnz...your being able to recognize your own weakness is an indication that you can handle more challenges than you think you can. It's ok to lose a battle, just try to win the war. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think the letter from your friend is so nasty. You did in fact do EXACTLY what she said you would do---you spit her out when she confronted you with the "truth". I mean you have the gall to laugh over her getting into trouble over your lack of performance? I'd say that perhaps you are being a bit unprofessional but can't recognize it in yourself. So maybe you should re-examine this kicking people to the curb thing. So what if her whole life revolves around her family and farm?!? That's kind of how it is for some. You can't accept that, so just move on. I don't understand why you're reciprocating the judgment after chastising her for being so quick to judge you.

 

[Tswevnz]

Solara
Please let me clarify - I'm not "laughing" at her for getting her into trouble (wich there is none at this point) It was her complete over reaction In proportion to the details of this situation .

But I appreciate you reading the information differently , that's why I asked a forum.

In regards to moving on because she cares about her family and I should "accept it" ....Is not at all what I said.

I don't begrudge people for caring about something , you completely misread it. I was referring to the example "pot calling the kettle black" by someone that can't even make time FOR her family unless it suits her.

I recognise I am unprofessional - perhaps you missed that part - sorry text became longer than expected.

There is no doubt I have many flaws, in fact so many I simply struggle making day to day life work.

I've reached the end of a line. That's why I am making this call of quitting.

I spoke about her behaviour as I think is incredible hypocritical . I never retaliated her accusations at the time and I simply needed to talk about it.

Ii agree she has valid points but also - but I will never dare say anything ever again her company. Never confide , never feel, never exist .

So why stay and risk hearing things that make you feel so utterly worthless - that u feel like putting a gun to your head ? There are ways of confronting someone of this magnitude. I hardly think this was the best one. PARTICULARLY since I'm not the same person I used to be. Logic and PTSD don't go hand in hand.

 

[Echo]

The professional thing is to hand over a job if you are not well enough to do it. There should be no blame attached, from you of yourself, or from your 'friend'/'business partner'.

I have found many friends have chosen to walk out of my life once they know my diagnosis and the reason for it. Some have done it with no explanation; some have chosen to be unpleasant about it. I have burdened none of them with my stuff, but I have been less available to listen to their's for hours on end. Some people expect you just to get over all of these things. If they lack this amount of empathy, they are not really the people to have around when you are having a really hard time. It is very hard, but there are some supportive people out there.

I think your friend was probably just venting because she is feeling embarrassed professionally in some way. It doesn't make what she says right, but it is probably not really worth taking it too much to heart. Just let the job go and concentrate on your health and your good friends for the time being.

 

[Tswevnz]

Thank you Echo, appreciate your comment, spot on.

Yeah, I totally understand her being upset for not being able to live up to my end of the bargain. Ironically it's as hard for me to admit defeat as it is for her to accept it - but it's time to come clean and just be honest I can't handle the enormous task on top of everything else.

My intentions where good trying to help out initially cause they struggled to find anybody willing to take it on ( that's how insanely demanding the job is) and this is a perfect example of how trying to be nice rather than saying no - can come back and haunt you.

I've resigned from the job.

Her opinion about me as a person simply was a major let down , as in I couldn't believe she thought so low of me. That's what disappointed me.

As of today I actually don't have anybody in my friendship circle that I have "flipped" off. I have gone through periods admit tingly where I avoided close contact with some because I simply had to shut down in order to cope with surviving. There where no fights or dramas or anger, just me having a need for solitude as I battled nightmares and flashbacks. To be self obsessed means you cling on people and suck them dry, I've been the complete opposite - I've gone away to heal & to protect others from what is haunting me. That's why that accusation really hit me hard, how much more invisible do I have to get?

But your right - it was words spoken in a moment of anger - but it still hurts.

 

[Echo]

But @Tswevnz - it doesn't make her right about you in any way. It just demonstrates the wide gulf of understanding. She really does not get it. I have had a 'friend' do something similar and I was deeply shocked to hear her take on me. I simply didn't recognise it; in fact, it felt like the complete opposite of the truth. In the end, although it still hurts, I have to keep saying to myself, that she was probably talking about herself and what she fears about herself, than talking about me.

You know what you are doing is right for you, and you know you need time to sort yourself out. If people are difficult about that, then they are not the friends you need right now.

 

[Tswevnz]

Yea I know - thank you !

One persons "truth" doesn't make it a fact - as my therapist kindly explained.

I've come to realise how much of an over achiever I am - reaching new goals is what drives me in normal circumstances.

Haha it has taken a lot to accept that just managing ( which I'm barely doing) day to day life after all my circumstances IS an achievement.

We are our own worst enemy sometimes . I feel kinda guilty today though because I woke up and felt FREE & GREAT for the first time in a long time! I can breath again !

Without realising it - not being able to get the job done and put in 100h work weeks - the constant reminder of guilt what I ought to do ... Is gone.

The job turned into a reminder of failing and that's why it was so hard to address it .
It's over thank goodness.

As for other peoples reaction - we'll at the end if the day. It's merely a friend, shit happens. I still have a family that loves me and can't wait to have me back home after 10 years on the other side of the world . Focus on the positive and start letting go of the bad stuff. I have the most AMAZING brother - after the earthquakes he flew over from Sweden to New Zealand to support me. To make sure I get a smooth transmission moving home he is even buying me a house.

IF I truly was the person my friend (whom choose to stick around for 10 years) says I am - then I seriously doubt I would still have all my other friends and family voting for me.

Anyway that's how I try and convince myself.