Need To Take A Break From This Site For A While

[Leanne1]

I think I might need to stop coming to this site for a while.

I have found the memory that triggers the urge to harm myself. My therapist is really urging me to work on this memory using EMDR. I won't write about it. It is very violent. The chaiotic feeling in the memory is the same overwhelming feeling I experience when I hurt myself. I hurt myself to make this all stop.

My therapist was telling me that she only wants me to let this memory come when I am with her. So for the next two weeks until my next session I need to try and not let it come. She talked about putting it in a container for now.

I am not having a lot of success at doing this, especially since it was so vivid in the last session I had with her and it did not deminish in intensity at all during the session. I think that is because I wasn't able to really feel it. Only in flashes, then I would kind of need to recover because my heart was racing so hard, I couldn't breath, and my body was in so much pain.

I really can't have this image hanging around. I feel very unsafe. Unfortunately, reading other people's experiences can make it more difficult to keep all of this in control. I feel like I am in danger now and I am trying to contain something that doesn't fit in any containers.

I am going to need to stop writing and reading about traumas. I have to contain this!

I have appreciated everyone here.

 

[Abstract]

That is a very mature decision, Sometimes we have to look at containment. Especially since there are no trigger warnings for common triggers on the site.

We will be waiting when you feel you are able to come back back.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/reading-forum-increases-symptoms.13886/

 

[Leanne1]

@Ayesha
I just read the link you posted. Thank you!

" you need to allow your mind some space to recover, and constant exposure will not give you that space – i.e., if you’re on this board every day constantly, you are getting no recovery time. "

-This site does trigger me, which can be a good thing? Eventually I will be able to handle these feelings. I just need some " recovery time".

 

[Dendrite]

Good on you Leanne1.

My therapist has reminded me over the last 17 years to remember that I am not just my trauma memories. There is a lot more to me than the stories of abuse from my childhood. This is one of the reasons I only go to therapy every four to six weeks - it gives room for me to have space for a life with other wonderful stories in it. Of course, we all have different needs in this area.

From my experience, its important to give our minds/brains lots of experiences that are not related to abuse stories at all. My therapist says this helps the mind develop space and distance from abuse issues.

For me, I want to spend just a portion of my time on abuse issues and generally wouldn't go into details of my abuse history here as I want to celebrate all that I am, apart from my painful stories.

Take care of yourself, that is the key. We all have different needs and listening to them will help us heal.

Dendrite xo

 

[arfie]

Great self-awareness, Leanne. Knowing my own reactions and moderating my own exposure accordingly has been a critical part of my own recovery. Hope it serves you as well as it serves me.

Healing wishes, wherever your healing journey takes you.

 

[Leanne1]

@Dendrite
Thank you. Yes. I want my life to have other stories in it.

More time focusing on the goodness in my life. I will try and find the balance and not start avoiding and blocking all of this out again also.

I'm new at this. Thanks for sharing your experience.

@arfie -thank you for the healing wishes:)

@Abstract
Thank you for all of the support while I've been here, and the things you wrote. You are an inspiration to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Leanne1,
Do you read trauma diaries? Just curious as I am able to read everything but diaries, so I stay out of them. Once I had nightmares about someone else's trauma---and the thing is that I don't even have nightmares about my own trauma. I think it's good to take breaks from the forum, but when you do come back, you may want to stay out of the diary section.

 

[Leanne1]

@Solara
No, I never read the trauma diaries. I knew that would be to much for me right now.

I can't describe what I react to until I am reacting. Sometimes just a trauma being referred to is intense for me. Or the process of my thinking of writing a response, or reading about someone's despair triggers my own.

Right now, I have one image, stuck in my mind. It is taking all of my energy to manage my response to it, so the adding of exposures right now overwhelms me. I am just checking in on this thread today, and then I'll see you all in a while. :hug:
I will miss everyone.

 

[Abstract]

There have been times when just a word has sent me off the edge and I have struggled to get back and times when there is no way I would not be constantly triggered by reading the general stuff on here. I also understand the filling up of the stress cup that can happen just from hearing peoples despair and trying to formulate responses to others. It sounds like your t is advising you to try to step away from trauma in general as much as possible and you obviously can't do that when on here.

I hope the trauma processing goes really well for you. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do what is right for you! The forum will still be here when you're ready to come back. I think it's important to not subject ourselves to potential triggers (whatever they may be) if the triggering is to a point where it is overwhelming and unmanageable.