Relationship New To The Forum - Need Help With Marriage

[kat2016]

@Justmehere Thank you! I have tried to get counseling, but the clinic at my University cannot see me for almost 2 months, and we currently do not have health insurance where he has been laid off for such a long time. My husband does need to seek a more in depth treatment, but he does not believe that he is to that point yet, but I believe he is. I have tried to talk to him in a loving and concerned way, but he thinks everything is okay, and this is who he is and I just have to accept it. But I cannot live a life, a marriage with someone who is constantly angry and does not seek further help. It is hard, and I feel like I am against a wall.

Also, I never meant to offend anyone with my Christian beliefs, but I will never be ashamed to speak of my Lord and Savior. He is my life.

 

[Fadeaway]

No one is asking you to be ashamed of your beliefs, I am only pointing out a specific line of thinking that is not shared by all people of faith, but is common amongst many belief sets, that is harmful to someone suffering from PTSD.

 

[The Albatross]

Well then the first hurdle is cracking the lid on denial and thinking "everything is okay" when you "cannot live a life, a marriage with someone who is constantly angry and does not seek further help."

Is there mentorship or counseling available through your church? In our case, we both submitted ourselves to the authority and guidance of our church and our experience greatly assisted saving our marriage and improving our union. Depending on the church I expect as other Christians who have received assistance for marital issues before and after us but in different denominations and congregations have had other results... about 50/50 with the people I know personally... but we felt that 50/50 was an acceptable risk considering the state of our relationship and the severity of the issues.

Stay on that waiting list, and hope you will be able to get in and be seen independently in 2 months. Sending prayers for you to put people and situations in place to assist/guide and stand in prayer agreement with you during this difficult time.

As hard as it gets at times, I kept reminding myself that we affirmed our vows in the holy church, that God sanctifies marriage and that He is steadfast in love and faithfulness.

I think one of the more convicting passages for my mister during his counseling was from his mentor, our pastor who had him memorize and study Scripture based on: Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

He also spent quite a lot of time with mentorship with gentle observations and study of Godly character (as did I) and who he/we serve... God or mammon.

We were also asked to write prayers of thanks and gratitude for the blessing of being brought together in Christian union and both being also brother and sister in Christ.

 

[kat2016]

@The Albatross Thank you so much, this was very helpful and much needed advice. Our church is a small country, church, it does not offer counseling services, but I am going to keep trying to get an appointment through my University and hopefully it will work out. I love the idea about writing a list of prayers and thankfulness about being together as one, not only as a marriage, but as brother and sister in Christ, that is amazing to think about.

 

[Changing4Best]

When my husband was in a nursing home, I read the Bible to him. He seemed happy most of the time there, was always happy to see me and in general was not an angry man. He never was angry, just felt that his stroke and paralisis was something he could not overcome or conquer. He was spiritually a very mature man though, and did not have PTSD. I was the one who had it. I am so grateful that he never was an angry man, so I cannot advise you on that. All I know is that cheating on someone and then repenting and no longer doing that is what is needed. None the less, folks who have cheated cannot necessarily be trusted ever again. You never get over being cheated on, although you do forgive, most certainly. I know I would always suspect the cheating again, if similar behavior that one exhibited while cheating again becomes present.

 

[kat2016]

@SheilaKathy Thank you, I am certainly still dealing with trust issues, even though the cheating happened almost a year ago, it is something that you never forget. He is definitely trying and being patience with me most days with my trust issues, and understands how deeply he hurt me. Here lately, his anger has not been as severe, he is working hard with his counselor and taking his medications like he is supposed to, and not missing church. I just pray that things continue on the up side.

 

[Noxy]

I am new to the forum, but, I felt as if I needed some type of support from others as to what I am deali...

I am sorry that you have to deal with a spouse with PTSD I am the person with PTSD in my relationship and I am very grateful for all of the empathy and help my spouse gives me however in your situation you need to separate your husband illness from your religious doctrines and values because being a good Christian means that you wouldn't cheat on your spouse but not even necessarily being a good Christian being a good person means you wouldn't cheat on your spouse

I have had PTSD since I was a child and I have never cheated on my spouse and I'm an atheist you need to realize that post traumatic stress syndrome is not something that can be prayed away it is mental impairment which has nothing to do with spirituality but solely in your mind not that's nothing that a counselor or a priest can fix this is something that even many doctors with degrees and psychiatrist cannot cure or fix nevermind someone in the church

I admire how you try so hard to take care of your husband and I hope he appreciates it however I think he is using his PTSD as an excuse to exploit your kind heartedness just because he has PTSD does not mean its okay for him to cheat in fact most people with post traumatic stress syndrome do not want to cheat because they do not like people or human beings and go out of their way to avoid human contact so I strongly feel he's using this as an excuse also there hasn't been positive clinical trial results with medication 10% of the populace who is taking prescribed PTSD medication will receive the benefit from that just because he goes to the VA and receive treatment does not mean that he is actually getting cured or that it is working post traumatic stress syndrome is a medical issue that needs to be addressed by medical practitioners with medical licenses not priest or church counselors

being an unfaithful spouse is a personality affliction separate from his PTSD so don't make excuses for him you can't pray someone into a better person his issues are psychological not spiritual and you will not have any success in treating him until you realize what he needs is science to fix his brain not religion I wish you the best of luck and I hope he can get relief but also that he can realize how lucky he is to have a spouse who stays with him in sickness and in health you seem like a wonderful person

 

[scout86]

I know God will move in our lives, especially his,

I missed this conversation the first time around..... Maybe that was just as well.

I had a good friend. My "unofficial adopted brother", who loved God as much as anyone alive. And deeply believed that, if he only prayed enough, or "right", if he only had enough faith, or the right kind of faith, God would see him through the PTSD that he came home from Iraq and Afghanistan with. I kept telling him that God invented psychologists for a reason, but he was sure that all his problems were due to his own lack of "whatever". In fairness to him, he DID try to get help through the VA, eventually, but it wasn't enough. (Or particularly good) And, I'm writing about him in the past tense because he's dead. We debated the issue of what happens to the soul of someone who commits suicide a number of times. At least now he knows I was right. :mad:

God is not the fire department or an insurance policy. Prayer is good, asking is good, accepting "no" for an answer might be good. A preacher I really respected told me one time "God doesn't WANT people to be unhappy". "God is love." Sometimes you can use that unhappiness to learn and grow and give back. But maybe, sometimes, the point is that the lesson we need to learn it to use the resources available to us and ask for help from the people around us. To depend on each other. To give others the chance to help us out so we can help someone else and the cycle can go on. Maybe God doesn't actually WANT us to sit around like a baby bird, waiting to be fed. Maybe he wants us to take responsibility and act, do our best, try.....even fail. I honestly don't know. I DO know that that faith my brother had got twisted into something that was NOT helpful. He was already sure he was the bad guy, it just convinced him of that more and more, and that he was somehow deeply "wrong", because God wasn't answering his prayer, until he finally convinced himself that "everyone would be better off without him". You can blame that on Satan if you want. I don't claim to know the answer to that one either. What I DO know is that my brother was as good and as worthy of "God's help" as anyone,and he didn't die from lack of praying or faith. The way things turned out was NOT because of anything lacking in HIM. Do I think things turned out as the did because it was "God's will"? Hardly! I think God has the potential to bring a Phoenix out of the ashes, but I don't think "God's will" had anything to do with the outcome. It's WAY more complicated than that. If there's a lesson here, I believe it could be summed up with "it's a Mystery".

This whole "ask and it will be given" thing is kind of a slippery slope. It's fine, to a point, but it's not the whole answer, just like it's not the whole verse.

(stepping down from soap box and running for cover to avoid bolt of celestial lightning? :wideeyed:)

 

[Sighs]

The last time this topic came up someone (I can't remember who but thank you!) posted something along the lines of:

An area is being evacuated due to flooding but one old man refuses to go, saying God will save me. His neighbours offer him a place in their car, but he refuses. Later the flood waters have risen and an SES motorboat comes past and offers to take him, but he refuses. Finally, the flood water are so high he is sitting on his roof and a rescue helicopter comes for him, but again he refuses saying God will save him. Naturally he dies in the flood and when he gets to heaven he asks God why he wasn't saved. God says "I sent you a car, a boat and a freaking helicopter - what more did you want?"

 

[StarChild]

That's a good input @Sighs, I think, you were looking for this one:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/diagnosed-yesterday-but-by-his-stripes-i-am-healed.56678/#post-908331

Yes, @kat2016, if I were you, I would definitely think hard about your reasoning, and re-read all the contexts in which the points, you are so adamant about, are written. You were given multiple honest, respectful advice from quite a few people. And even though some of them don't call themselves "strong or born again christians", they do obviously care that much about you, to read your thread, your posts and they think about how they can help you. And go figure, they even take the time to write you, what their hearts tell them to. Because they truly want to help you (and your marriage) to get better.

And now, since you're on a PTSD forum, and not on a christian one, what is it exactly, that you're looking for? And what are you going to do with all the advice and the kindness you received from the members of this forum? Oh, and doesn't the Bible say in 1 Thessalonians 5:21 "Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." - You know, sometimes, the "good" comes from where you're expecting it the least....

 

[Torrid75]

I've been there with mine chatting with other women and receiving/sending nude pics of 1 women i know of he met on fb, another sent him a nasty video as a bday present (someone he knew prior to marines) he swears he had nothing to do with that one, talking to another he met on fb overseas he swears was innocent, i disagree....the first he lied to me about and moved her in with my agreement to help while we worked nights and giving her and 10yo son a roof over there heads....i found out after she was already here the truth (i was once a homeless vet with 3 little ones and had wanted to help other women struggling like i had, he knew this and used that to get me to agree. I had qualms but he swore it wasn't like that....2 wks later right before his bday found pics and went through a yr of hell to keep my relationship because he didn't want her like that) the way I've heard it explained and what he said is its the adrenalin of knowing its wrong and possibly being caught.

They are so numb they will do anything to feel something) its not easy, my trust is obliterated but he's making a huge effort to rebuild it which will take time. We've put safe guards in place and only time will tell. As for the anger keep an eye on things out could be this time of year is a trigger for him and something he needs to talk to dr. About. When i say keep an eye on him i mean anything out of norm ie not sleeping/well, a lot of bathing, sick this time of year every year, angry, short ect more this time of year than another time, not wanting to socialize, leave house....he should apply for va disability use a vet advocate like disabled veterans or vfw to help him file....mine got his in 6 months with there help

 

[kat2016]

@Torrid75 it so hard to rebuild trust after its broken, especially with someone you live with. He says he is able to work, but in construction it's a seasonal job. He is always on his phone, reading and watching videos about Afghanistan, special forces and other war related topics. Which cannot help, in my opinion. He takes 3 sometimes 4 showers a day. I can't shower alone because there isn't enough hot water for us both. I have to squeeze in the shower with him (which is very small) and get out because he just wants to stand there and let the water run down him and read on his phone. I can't even do laundry until he's asleep or gone because he gets mad or turns off the washer because of his shower time. And he never sleeps! He is up all night just on his phone reading and watching videos. He only sleeps if he takes melatonin and it helps, and when he sleeps his anxiety isn't near as bad. But he'll take it for a few nights, feel great and then stop taking it. Like he doesn't wanna sleep? He's only 22 and he wants to be a cop and I am weary about that line of work for him. He is currently going through the hiring process for PD for the third time. Other places did not adept him. I just worry all the time, and I just want him to heal, but at the same time I need to heal from the damage done as well.