No money = my life is over

[SeekingAfrica]

Just learned I'm not getting the loan I was hoping, but that means 6 things I still can't paying can't even pay half, the minimum on them. I don't know what to do. My whole mood cracked.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm going to cry. How do I get through this? Those payments need to go out. Soon! And I have no income yet.

 

[Dynamic]

I know some churches have benevolence funds but they ask a lot of questions especially for non members about where the moneys going etc. also churches have resources food pantries etc. I’m not sure where you are but it’s an idea

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm going to cry. How do I get through this? Those payments need to go out. Soon! And I have no income yet.

Crying is ok. Crying is probably very needed in this situation. Are other loans an option. Is other work, any work an option...

 

[Ash]

Every time Ihave under 30$ (even if I need more). Now countries are different, to me that amount equal a week of food if I'm frugal, half week otherwise. It can also mean paying 1 small debt or 1 of the lower amount bills to get them off my chest.
For a few months I've had both mental health and physical health issues. During the summer I was constantly 1 step away from needing a 72h hold, thank God for friends.

I ended up counting coins and making decisions what bill to pay this time and really only planning 3 days ahead for foodwise. Also lapsing on medication for few days few times. Eventually, to getting evicted.

Now, I am home, temporary no rent or food money for parents.

BUT that belief just stuck. When 6 years old- that no money is dangerous. After ptsd in 2010- that specific amount. I may have food, but if there is literally anything coming up too soon that I can't pay, it's like I lose the ability to think clearly and catastophize. And even knowing past has somehow been okay, even having food, or some potential option- I still feel like my life is over, or more so, in danger.

And it's like I can't help it, I get nauseous and so anxious that I can't work and it ends up self fulfilling profecy

p.s. I was born in poverty. Before PTSD even if deep down I didn't like that, I was a pro at navigating it.
THEN I broke. Now I have more things than I can pay even if I'm lucky by Friday, and it's panicking me to a point it's stagnating the small signs of healing happening...

Also leads to stupid decisions like personal loans with insane interest because I just need to pay X bill to calm down enough to work. Not paying rent or food helps, but if you are too panicked to work it's wasted. I don't want it to be wasted. I came here for a reason.

How do I correct that belief?

Try tapping therapy.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Defaultxlove thank you for the idea! Can't use it here but you are trying and I appreciate that.

@Ash what is tapping therapy? Is it the EFT people often mention? Can it be learned without a professional as is my option currently?

@Midnightmoon No, other loans are not an option sadly. I'm not even in the country I lived for a decade anymore so even though I'm home, I no longer know where to sell old items or new crafts and all that important things.
I may earn something, but I can't guarantee it will be paid by Friday.
I went with the brutal truth and graveling and managed to postpone 3 payments. So I'm wiped for the day emotionally.

The other 3 are more unlikely to be postponed again, they are the more important ones. even though now I need a 120$(in 3 parts for the different payments) it's unlikely I can do anything about that by Friday..

Today was so good productively otherwise, I want to work as if this is not happening. Probably will. Hut tonight it hurts. I feel really sad it took me so long to start working....that will save me from more such moments in the future, but for now I'm just struggling to cope with the fact that I can't do much about these payments....

Honestly because I'm tired I'm probably in denial and the panic will hit me in the middle of the night.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

One more apology for late debt repayment delivered. I can only say what's what, and work on change. I can't control what will happen and whom I may or may not lose during the process. My soul hurts here.
Working at home is definitely no go. Difference between being in the cafe and here is huge. I need to break through that. As it happens this year with postponing money issues it really hurts every step

P.s. and one more delivered now. Brutal. I hate being that person. One left to go.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Last postponing message done, which was for what I still owe my landlord (second installment, I Don't plan on ghosting).

I saw she saw the message but didn't respond. It makes me feel awful but it is what it is. And there is some relief that I'm in another country and she can't do much. I still Don't think she would because she wants me 5o return all, but at least she can't yell at me.

I'm having one of those days when you get 10 productive minutes, and the rest is being so anxious you can't move, you overthink, crave random foods or comforts, every muscle hurts from tension, you feel the world is falling apart, and all your scences are turned up to 11.