Normal Attraction Or Trust/safeness Or Transference?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

How do you know what is transference and what are normal feelings? How do you separate feelings of trust and safeness from attraction, I seem to find a person more attractive by how much I can trust them and how much I feel safe with them, not because they have a six pack or because they know the entire works of Shakespeare intimately and can recite it at will. I also have no social interaction beyond one friend (an his wife) who lives 200 miles away, I have been single for near on six years after my first and only relationship which lasted 3 years. I only leave the house with my mother and usually only for appointments.

My therapist brought up the idea that I might grow to trust her and see her as a person rather than just a professional over the year that we will be seeing each other and that scared me because I am worried that I will grow a level of care that is not able to be reciprocated and will cease with the cessation of the treatment. This got me thinking more about my Social Worker than her however.

With my Social Worker, I trust him a lot, and far more than my (very new) therapist.That scares me and then my trust levels fall back but they're always regrown. When the trust first started forming, my head instantly ran through desires to form a personal, non-professional relationship with him, I recognised that for me this was probably just trust forming. It seems I can't separate trust and the potential for a sexual/intimate relationship in any setting, though I think it may be my head processing the trust. When I told him my trauma history, I found myself wanting to give him a hug as a way of showing gratitude, to know irrationally that everything was ok, also because I felt that it would be safe and nice - I see that as a form of transference created by the trust.

However, still unrelated to that I still find myself assessing my Social Worker as an attractive, caring and kind person who I feel safe with. I find him physically and emotionally attractive, is that normal or is it transference? More importantly is that ok or not? I think in terms of my judgement of potential relationship material that is good, but in every other sense not good - I feel guilty and as if I'm doing something wrong by feeling that way. But is it transference or is it simply finding him an attractive person with good qualities?

 

[87ofme]

Ah Transference! This is a tough one! I was taught that transference is when we transfer our feelings onto another person. In my case my ex husgand would feel inferior so he'd say/do things to make me feel bad about myself so he could feel good about himself. He was a jerk so as I got well I outgrew him so to speak and we divorced.

Your situation it is normal, when you are in a long term relationship with a therapist or social worker to develop feelings about them. I was with what I call my "dream team" for 12 years. They were 2 older men (whom I am atracted to naturally) one was therapist and the other did my drugs. Because of the extreme trust I had to place in the therapist, I seemed to place him into the role of being the parent that I wished I had been blessed with to start with. I went thru times when I seriously wanted my therapist and his wife to adopt me...mind you I was 28 years old and married with 2 kids of my own at the time! As I slowly got better, I became this more adolescent child kind of thing who wanted more and more independence from them. I grew into this young adult who wanted more respect for my own opinons and ideas of how to handle things and they let me grow and learn from my mistakes during this time. In exxence, I grew up and didn't "need" them as much.

During the therapy process you break down to your most basic of self which makes you super vulnerable and which requires you to have this gigantic degree of trust in that person. That takes time to develop; especially with people like us! Confusing trust and love is a common deal for us. We've not got a whole lot of experience with trust due to our childhood abuse and abandonment. Isn't trust a big component of love? Because you absolutely have to trust in them to this degree you must be vulnerable, this scares you so you pull back. That's the emotional seesaw going on. Here's the deal. If the social worker is a good one, then they are responsible for maintaining healthy boundaries here. You probably will not be able to maintain those healthy boundaries as you go thru this process. That's why they have to! It's their job. That's why it's so important to screen and get a good one.

Your feelings are just your feelings and nothing more. They are neither good or bad. You have to stand back and look at them before you act on them but that doesn't mean that you tell yourself that you can't feel them. Or that they are bad feelings. It's how you act on them that matters. My personal suggestion is that you tell the social worker about your feelings and ask them to help you to process thru it so you can get on with the real hard stuff. Sometimes this can be a way for your subconscious mind to trick you to avoid doing the work that needs to be done! I know that's hard to hear, but occasionally it's kind of a self protection mechanism of the subconscious mind. You work thru these feelings and then you get a big break thru and you're one step closer toward getting better.

Just my thoughts for what they're worth

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

The reason I considered it transference was because the trust is not real - well it is, it's just only as deep as our relationship which by it's professional nature is not very - content deep, personal on my part deep not because it real, when my treatment stops so will this relationship and due to the time constraints of the NHS that may well be before I am ready for it to be ended. Also because that trust to me is incredibly personal. Although, I think I already knew it wasn't transference - I think I feel so awkward and anxious about it that I would have preferred it if it was - as if that would remove some level of blame from myself (of which I am aware there is none, but that's what it feels like).

One quick note to myself is I am definitely not in love with my Social Worker in anyway shape or form, I simply find him attractive and to have attractive qualities, I think the reason that bothers me so much is because I see potential there - that he is the sort of person I'd like as a partner, as I find him fairly physically attractive too, I feel that more so and as if it would be a waste to let the opportunity to pass, but it's not an opportunity. I feel guilty because this is a professional relationship and also disappointed because I know it can't be and I have no other way of meeting people, so it seems bad that nothing can come of it. Another opportunity (whether valid or not) is unlikely to pass me by for a very long time.

I think I wouldn't feel this so much if I wasn't so isolated, as I never meet any other people my social sphere is incredibly limited (as said above, one friend 200 miles away, who I don't see or talk to often is my only social life) and with that comes a level of desperation. I think the reason I feel guilty is because I am scared of jeopardising our working relationship and of confronting the issue because I fear rejection (physically and emotionally) and to the contrary because I feel that it is very, very wrong for any one to say/think/feel anything pleasant about me that I find myself very upset over that too. As such it remains unconfronted and an issue that circulates my head along with all of the other problems.

If I talk to him about it rather than my therapist - or maybe both, I might talk about general isolation and the fact that I've been single for so long with no idea how to change that, and that while in many ways I am comfortable with the levels of safety I have by being so isolated, I am (as much as I don't want to admit it) incredibly lonely.

Thank you for your advice, it's certainly given me something to think about. :)

 

[87ofme]

I remember what it was like to be where you are now. You could be in a room full of people and you'd still feel lonely and as if horrible things were tattooed on your forehead for all the world to see. At the same time you desperately try to hide your insecurities and percieved flaws. One thing to think about...it's better to be alone than to be with someone who holds your recovery back and hurts you more in the here and now. Lonely is better than abused.

Have you ever tried a mentor type of thing? The therapist finds someone who has been thru what your're going thru and then that person can try to help you when you can't get in with the therapist or social worker. It's like going thru a old train tunnel. Inside the tunnel there are all sorts of scary things and memories just waiting to come up to you and say hello. There is a curve to the shape of the tunnel so you can't see out the other end. The only way to get better is to get into the tunnel and get to work but you don't want to go there cause it's scary and you can't see out the other side. no light at the end of the tunnel. How about asking for a guide. Someone who's been thru the tunnel and knows where the hard spots are and where the places where you could get stuck might be. Your guide is your mentor. You could probably find one on here but it'd be best to ask your therapist if they know of one for you. I had one and I've been one. It's just kind of a back up to the therapist and social worker.

I won't be on here for a few days as I have to go to work. I move cars part time for a car dealership so I'll be out of town for a few days. Give the mentor idea some thought. I hope to hear from you again Monday. Take care and have a good weekend.