Not reaching out for what I *really* want, as a way to avoid disappointment

[Ecdysis]

I'm starting to notice a pattern that runs throughout my life: I don't reach out and try to attain the things that I really, really want.

I figure "those things are unattainable anyway..." and "don't be dumb, aim for something realistic instead".

I guess it's the opposite of "Better to aim for the moon and miss, than to aim for the earth and hit."

My trauma childhood taught me to aim for what's realistic and be grateful to have something that's safe. Aim for the earth. You know you'll hit it. It's stable, it's safe. That's something to build on.

Better the sparrow in the hand, than the pigeon on the roof.

The problem is tho, I end up with things I don't want. They're things that are safe, but they're not what I want.

Damnit.

I need to break this pattern.

 

[arfie]

once i became aware of this pattern, changing it felt as natural as rain turning parched soil into receptive fertility. alas, the pattern still plagues me on projects which require a long haul, but there too, awareness is a potent force. when i feel myself giving up, i can ply therapy tools before i begin the self-sabotage portion of the pattern.

 

[Muttly]

Oof, that's a hard one. Especially when we aren't conscious we are doing it. I think learning that we can deal with disappoint, is an important skill. And when my therapist talked to me about that I was resistant and somewhat insulted. I felt like I dealt with disappointment well. What I didn't realize is a child part did not and was highly triggered by it.

 

[Becoming Whole]

I ended my last relationship when I realised that my partner didn't possess many of the qualities that I wanted so much. I realised that it's not his fault, it was me who was too scared to wait for who I want. I also have a core belief that no one will ever love me so I pretended to be okay and happy with whoever came along my way. It was a tough realisation that I am being unfair to him and me both by doing this. I have repeated this pattern many times in the last decade until I realised that my lack of self worth and confidence in reaching for what I want has created this mess. I feel immensely responsible and sorry towards all the people I hurt in the process, but also sorry towards me because each time I got into another emotionally misbalanced relationship, it strengthened my negative core believes when it ended (obviously). This whole thing is a scary negative feedback loop. I hope in time, we all break out of it. I know self confidence and self worth feels so uncomfortable at first (I am at this point now) but I think it's the only way to stop retraumatizing myself.

 

[Shaylee]

The problem is tho, I end up with things I don't want. They're things that are safe, but they're not what I want.

Damnit.

I need to break this pattern.

OMG
THAT RESONATES SO UNBELIEVABLY HARDCORE….
I both love this and also hate how much I see it in myself…
*Adding it to my ‘to do’ list*