Relationship Now I Need Help...

[Trembling]

SeekingSerenity, I definitely need and in future will need you all! Knowing that you guys are the ones, understanding what is going on.
Sometimes I don't know how tough my love really is, but it is tough enough to make "normal" people think, I am totally nuts, to still love him and to still have the feeling, getting married is not a total loss of my mind.

The bubble bath helped :tup:

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Trembling, here is what sums it up...:geek:

You follow your head, and your heart. True love doesn't come around that many times in a lifetime. When it does, I like to hop on, and stick it out. I got a second chance for happiness, and nothing is going to take it away from me. Thats my sober decision. So I'll stick with my Beloved sufferer regardless.

I'm glad the bubbles helped. :D

 

[Trembling]

SS thank you so much for making me smile :D - it is so true!!!!!

I won't let go my luv! I miss him, even though it is only going to be for 2 days. I guess this is also because we have no family around, and forget about friends. I will stick with him too!

 

[Trembling]

Oh my god, he is not stopping - again. He sent me a mean message last night. So I knew that he was drinking again, despite of his email in the afternoon.

He even thought "in his state of mind" that I left him, guess he just want to think whatever he wants. I don't even know if this is English and understandable?!?!

He is back in full PTSD and his combat situation is killing him, he feels so guilty for what he has done in the past, that he only would like to finish it all. This is a typical "dog bites tail" situation, as long as he does not stop the drinking, the flashbacks are there and PTDS is taking over, with the full range of Paranoia and other side effects.
I am trying to convince him to take his meds.

I am starting in a new Unit of my present job tomorrow morning, this is the main reason I do not want to go home today. I know if I change my decision and go home a day early, I will be in the middle of his outbursts, ok, maybe I might be able to stop him drinking, only maybe, but I will not get any sleep at all.
I cannot risk my job. Is this selfish?

Guys, just give me your opinion, please.

 

[amethist]

Hi Trembling.

It sounds as if you are in self preservation mode right now, nothing selfish about this.

Maybe you will be able to stop him drinking, but for how long, and then will he start again once you are not there to stop him.

It really is up to him, and there will be nothing you can do for him until he gets more help. He needs to take his meds first then actively take responsibility for his own actions.

You have may also have to sit back and think again about your wedding, maybe postponing it until he is clear of the drink and back on a level with his symptoms properly. Not something you want to do, but it may be necessary for your own peace of mind.

 

[Trembling]

Amethist, I am not sure which mode I am in right now.

All is so messed up. Right no talking is not even possible, or lets say he would not understand anything in his dimension.
It seems I only can sit and wait what will happen next.
I am in a stage of being in a nutshell, no real feelings but the imagination of being squeezed until I break.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

(((((Trembling)))))

I am sorry for your situation trembling. Truly I am. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I know about not being able to get through the alcohol-mist-brain to the wonderful person inside. I eventually gave up on my dad, and led my own life. That was my self-preservation. Not long afterwards he has the most terrible of motor accidents. He literally died twice, he went into cardiac arrest, and the paramedics revived him both times. He spent months in hospital, and that was his turning point in life. Thats what it took for my dad to eventually stop his drinking.

I am praying that your fiance doesnt have to hit that low for him to see that he has to stop. Lets be positive that for him, the very real chance that losing the best thing that has happened in his life - YOU, will jerk him back into reality. Because, I'll be completely honest with you, living a life with an alcoholic non-controlled PTSD sufferer, will not be a life for you, and I cannot see it lasting. Sorry Trembling.

That is why I am so glad to see you looking out for yourself, and putting him behind you for even just a short while. It is vitally important that he knows that you WILL be there for him when he is sober and getting his PTSD treated. But it is also just as important that he knows that he cant act like a brat and jump off the wagon when he feels like it, and expect you to pick up his pieces. There have to be boundaries, and that has to be one of them. That is vital for your sanity. I would tell my sufferer exactly the same thing were my feet in your shoes.

We love our sufferers with all our hearts, but there has to be a limit, and you set yours where you feel you are comfortable. Then you make sure that he knows EXACTLY where they are, and then stick to them. Never waver, or he will take advantage of that weakness. Stick to your guns, and be true to yourself. If he is as serious about this relationship as you are, he will come around, and you will get your "Happily ever after".

 

[Trembling]

SS, I just had a talk with him on the phone, he is in a total stage of PTSD, I am not sure if he actually drank today, or if it is just the aftermath. He was mean via msg, telling me he hates me for leaving him as he never would do that. Hating me for involving others in this and making others worry. At the end it is not my fault that his family worries.
I just could say and explain that I could not lie anymore and that I needed this time to get some of my own confidence back and be there to support him.

He fully declined any further help, refuses to take his medication and the therapy.
His pain and flashes took over the man I love, and he wants to treat himself - what we all know is not possible. He wants to lock himself up in a room, and not being let out.

I am crying quiet tears, scared and helpless.

 

[Trembling]

Just cant help it to write again, it seems it is not really helping that I am away from home. The young friend of ours, is home with him and not feeling very good there. It seems my man let him lock the room he is in, so he cannot get out, and just do what his PTSD tells him to do.
Does anyone have experience with this?

I guess it is normal to be worried, but what else can I do?

 

[SeekingSerenity]

(((((Trembling)))))

I have no experience with that side of things.

It sounds like he is having a bad PTSD day, and he is blaming everybody he loves. It sounds like his cup is overflowing, and he is getting rid of what he can to get the level down. We know that the loved ones, the supporters, are the first to feel this wrath.

All I can think of is to say give him space. This too, shall pass. Send him a text message telling him quite simply that you are there, when he is feeling better and wants to talk civilly. Then step back. And do the difficult thing - wait.

(((((Trembling))))) I'm sorry you are feeling like this, if its any consolation, right now I am waiting for my Beloved sufferer to feel better again so we can talk :( :cry:

 

[Trembling]

So I am back - a week in a new job - lots of stress and now before the weekend a new PTSD hit in.

Thinking back - I came home on Sunday - my man had left, and our young friend was brought to the airport, to fly back to his family, scared, of course of what he had seen. He knew my man since many years, and he was some sort of a hero for him, but never ever expected things like that.

Well, since I did not feel too good to spend the night home, I stayed with the only friend I have here, took a nice pill and slept before starting work. Ok, I cannot say I was totally relaxed, but at least fit enough to concentrate.

The days after were full of talking, quiet, peaceful, and I guess the way we can say "NORMAL".

Today one sms from my love and I knew it had hit again, and you know what is an ignition? It is almost ridiculous, but it is his ex-wife who triggers him as a rocket. She makes him feel guilty with everything she says, and immediately he goes back in time, back to the combat he went through and feels the full guilt for what he has done.

Tomorrow we are supposed to have an appointment with the EMDR specialist, as this is the only one he wants to go to at the moment. He refuses to see our doc, as he thinks that he is not caring about the PTSD enough, but only focusing on the drinking.

Right now I am not sure anymore what is worse, but as long as he has this bad feelings, he will not be able to control himself.

So here I am again, waiting the next hours if he will be home or not. I still promised to stick with him, as I cannot switch off my love for this man.

Thanks guys!

 

[Trembling]

Hi you all!
We went through it when he came home, as promised, talked a lot, he was having bad bad thoughts, but we managed the situation.Yesterday he went to the EMDR specialist, who really is a nice woman doc, and I immediately felt, as if she might be able to gain his trust.

And yes she did! Next week we ll go again, twice on the weekend.

We made a compromise about some things.

I am always thinking of what you tell me here, what you go through and how your advises help and support. I hope that maybe one day also I can support others.