Sufferer One Last Shot, I Suppose

[S800]

Hi. Newcomer here. 45, CPTSD survivor from emotional neglect and psychological abuse to the point where I learned all the wrong lessons about socializing, and now have...no socializing. I don't know how to. Never have. Can respond to questions or requests but I can't talk about anything proactively without feeling like I'm being blown off.

Mom ran me through a laundry list of "specialists" throughout childhood who she hoped would validate her "yea he's broken trash, just lock him in a closet" method of parenting. Given it was the 80s, "mental health professionals" were a laughable bunch of predators and monsters. That evidently didn't help matters. So I'm having an extremely hard time understanding what to do. I can't talk to other people about any of this, they leave. I can't talk to a therapist about it, their presence alone makes me lock up and they never seem to try "connecting" with me either. They just sit there expecting me to lead the talk. If I knew how to do that, I wouldnt be going to them.

Not even sure what I'm trying to do anymore. Get a response? Talk to someone who at least understands how fragile my trust is? Not feel like a machine stuffed in a vaguely man-shaped sack who's wasting everyone's time? I don't know anymore.

 

[arfie]

hello s800. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Not even sure what I'm trying to do anymore.

in my own long and winding recovery, this uncertainty has marked more than one of my breakthrough eras. the uncertainty opened my mind and heart to possibilities that were not available for learning in the psychotic certainty of my youth. these days i wonder if uncompromising certainty is a clear indicator of psychosis. just wondering. i'll leave the certainty to the experts.

i don't know what you are trying to do, either, but i am listening if you care to keep sorting.

welcome aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.

 

[Friday]

Aloha & Welcome to the community!

Mom ran me through a laundry list of "specialists" throughout childhood who she hoped would validate her "yea he's broken trash, just lock him in a closet" method of parenting. Given it was the 80s, "mental health professionals" were a laughable bunch of predators and monsters. That evidently didn't help matters. So I'm having an extremely hard time understanding what to do. I can't talk to other people about any of this, they leave. I can't talk to a therapist about it, their presence alone makes me lock up and they never seem to try "connecting" with me either. They just sit there expecting me to lead the talk. If I knew how to do that, I wouldnt be going to them.

The first time around that I unf*cked myself, I didn’t use doctors or therapists, I just -essentially- had a couple of running lists of what I didn’t like about myself & my life & set about changing things. I got lucky as hell a few different times, in a few different ways (like being taught the fast&dirty way to do what I later learned was called exposure therapy, but was simply what we all did / were taught to do, at the time. Being on my own, later, had to do the slow&sane version. Both were strokes of luck; first learning that it was possible to first learn self control, and later not react at all; Second & Third because fast&dirty is a coin in the air as to whether it works or makes things worse? It not only worked the first time, but all the times after were the slow&sane way, that comes with near perfect results.)

Took me roughly 5 years to get to 80% sane, and having kids nailed down the last 20% (as I needed to formalize/plan ahead for things I’d just been winging it; and nuffink but nuffink puts the fine polish on emotional monitoring & stabilization like having to teach it to toddlers!).

NOT working with anyone, reading up on, etc. led me to making a classic blunder… I ONLY worked on my symptoms. So I got a badass asymptomatic decade in the bargain, but my root causes just lurked in the down deep, until new trauma/stress/& loss of coping mechanisms hit me, and drop kicked me back to square 1 (fully symptomatic, and ALL the trauma history thanked down, not just the most recent bit).

If I’d bothered to do any reading, research, etc.? I could have neatly sidestepped that trap, by processing trauma in addition to eliminating my symptoms. Shrug. Avoidance is a helluva symptom.

So it’s triple-good news for you.

1 - You’re already skirting around the trap I fell into, by reading/research/reaching out.
2 - There are a couple of solid millennia of people dealing with their PTSD without therapists, so it’s not like you’re SOL, but rather in very good company, with high expectations of complete recovery (or near enough).
3 - The internet means you’ve got ALL the giants to stand on their shoulders; from ancient understanding to modern med, peer to peer to bounce things off of, resources in spades, and your own pace to go at.

***

Clearly, my SECOND time in the PTSD badlands I did decide to read/research/therapy/peer-to-peer/etc., as I’m here.

My fave piece of that knowledge to share? >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Welcome to the community.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[Susan Jane]

Welcome to the forum s800, Trust is a very hard one. I read that you find it hard to be social. I can relate to that, when I was younger, I could’t be around people without a drink in hand. That was not the answer obviously it just made things worse, so I do not recommend it. Now a bit older, I have realized I am not big on socializing, only with trusted friends. That trust took a long time to build. It still feels scary sometimes. I pretty much think everyone will go, just like my parents. This is my trauma, being left to fend for myself through neglect, abandonment and psychological abuse. That is why trust is hard for me, and it is warranted. My method to help get me through is baby steps. First addressing my feelings about myself. Work in progress and second dealing with the deep hurt my heart held, and that is tricky, because it is a scary place to visit for me. Compassion for myself and my progress… has helped as well. This is something I am just learning. I understand what you are saying. I know it is a hard place to be, I have been there more times than I care to remember. Please know you are not alone, and I hope you find comfort in finding others who get it. . Susan

 

[S800]

Not sure a better way to say this but, thank you so much for your kind words. It might be the first time in a long time I heard other folks speaking "my" language as it were...always thought I was on an island there. Deeply relieving to learn that's not the case. :D

So far, the emotional flashbacks have been the main focus. Don't like how it feels like being hijacked when one of those things rears up. Still, making a little more progress every day!

 

[Susan Jane]

Not sure a better way to say this but, thank you so much for your kind words. It might be the first time in a long time I heard other folks speaking "my" language as it were...always thought I was on an island there. Deeply relieving to learn that's not the case. :D

So far, the emotional flashbacks have been the main focus. Don't like how it feels like being hijacked when one of those things rears up. Still, making a little more progress every day!

Thank you as well. It is a scary place to be, at least for me, alone in all this. Fear of my feelings is my biggest obstacle, mix that with vulnerability and fear of rejection … well it is a challenging place to live.

 

[DSkyler]

Welcome

Hopefully you’ll find that It is nice to be among people who understand and who have experienced similar troubles.

I remember reading how all PTSD symptoms and responses are ‘normal’ in the face ‘abnormal’ and overwhelming experiences placed upon it. Our physiology is overloaded. Broken like a car driven beyond its limits.

That we did not cause or deserve the things we endured is both the tragedy and potential light forward. We did not create the situations that damaged us. We are not inherently ‘wrong’.

Finding the right help and letting any healthy parts of you lead the way is beneficial in my experience. Although not always straight forward.

I’ve only been on this site a short time but already feel reassured that people here understand. It’s a human pandemic, PTSD, and we are all in it together.

By coming here you’re finding something of use I hope. Keep going and be good to yourself.