Justmehere
Sponsor
I had surgery on my leg awhile ago. I'm an athlete, and swimming is a huge escape for my PTSD brain. I have been battling a bad injury to my leg for almost two years now, and dealt with a handful of bad docs. I finally found a good doctor who gave a somewhat risky surgery a try. I also found an amazing physical therapist who has been working with me almost every day since surgery.
After a pretty rough recovery process, including navigating a number of post surgery complications, weeks in a wheelchair and then crutches, I am just now starting to take my first steps without the crutches.
Today was my first trip to the pool. I swam an entire lap with a pool bouy between my knees -and I haven't been able to do that for over a year. I wasn't kicking or anything, but I nearly started to cry in the pool because it still was a huge achievement. Something I haven't been able to do for so long, and I had zero pain doing it.
I did a few PT excercises and happily got out of the pool before I pushed myself too far, and I felt good. Sore, but good.
Then I was hit with a wall of dissociation. My brain checked out. It is the first time in 2 years that I actually lost time. I'm in therapy, and I sent off an email to my therapist to let her know - but she is on vacation this week so I won't see her for my usual appointment today (and that's when we talk about any emails I send during the week unless there is something urgent and this really isn't urgent.)
Someone (a professional colleague) got very angry with me because I didn't remember doing something with them moments after we had done it. I told them I'm was so sorry, I seem to be really spacey today. I told them I wasn't feeling well me needed to go. They were furious. They actually got a bit out of control, and I quickly set boundaries - and it thankfully appears that I won't be working with them again.
But I still can't remember what I did this afternoon. I can't remember if something came up to trigger this - or if it was something about the trip to the pool itself or surgery or... ?
I remember two years ago, March 2015, very well. It was a horrible month. In April, I checked myself into a month long PTSD treatment program and I don't remember much of it. I do know it helped a lot. I'm told I did deep trauma work, and that's why I generally don't dissociate anymore like I did before and during that treatment.
But today? My mind is gone. I am coping with it alright, but I don't understand why this is happening now, today.
I'm wondering if being able to do something I haven't been able to do since March 2015 has somehow stirred up unresolved dissociation? Or am I dissociating because my brain has decided it's safe enough now to deal with the trauma of the surgery itself? (My therapist said that might come up in some way at some point.)
Any thoughts or ideas?
I'm quite concerned that I don't know why this is happening, and I'm worried this means I didn't really get better. I'm back where I was. I know this is mostly distorted thinking, as no setback erases the fact that positive progress forward is still progress forward...
But the last time I was losing this much time was in that treatment program, and I remember being so upset about it. Just like now. It's all too famillar.
I want to keep moving forward. One freaking slow step at a time, with my body and my mind.
After a pretty rough recovery process, including navigating a number of post surgery complications, weeks in a wheelchair and then crutches, I am just now starting to take my first steps without the crutches.
Today was my first trip to the pool. I swam an entire lap with a pool bouy between my knees -and I haven't been able to do that for over a year. I wasn't kicking or anything, but I nearly started to cry in the pool because it still was a huge achievement. Something I haven't been able to do for so long, and I had zero pain doing it.
I did a few PT excercises and happily got out of the pool before I pushed myself too far, and I felt good. Sore, but good.
Then I was hit with a wall of dissociation. My brain checked out. It is the first time in 2 years that I actually lost time. I'm in therapy, and I sent off an email to my therapist to let her know - but she is on vacation this week so I won't see her for my usual appointment today (and that's when we talk about any emails I send during the week unless there is something urgent and this really isn't urgent.)
Someone (a professional colleague) got very angry with me because I didn't remember doing something with them moments after we had done it. I told them I'm was so sorry, I seem to be really spacey today. I told them I wasn't feeling well me needed to go. They were furious. They actually got a bit out of control, and I quickly set boundaries - and it thankfully appears that I won't be working with them again.
But I still can't remember what I did this afternoon. I can't remember if something came up to trigger this - or if it was something about the trip to the pool itself or surgery or... ?
I remember two years ago, March 2015, very well. It was a horrible month. In April, I checked myself into a month long PTSD treatment program and I don't remember much of it. I do know it helped a lot. I'm told I did deep trauma work, and that's why I generally don't dissociate anymore like I did before and during that treatment.
But today? My mind is gone. I am coping with it alright, but I don't understand why this is happening now, today.
I'm wondering if being able to do something I haven't been able to do since March 2015 has somehow stirred up unresolved dissociation? Or am I dissociating because my brain has decided it's safe enough now to deal with the trauma of the surgery itself? (My therapist said that might come up in some way at some point.)
Any thoughts or ideas?
I'm quite concerned that I don't know why this is happening, and I'm worried this means I didn't really get better. I'm back where I was. I know this is mostly distorted thinking, as no setback erases the fact that positive progress forward is still progress forward...
But the last time I was losing this much time was in that treatment program, and I remember being so upset about it. Just like now. It's all too famillar.
I want to keep moving forward. One freaking slow step at a time, with my body and my mind.
