Only feel love when spiralling downwards

[EveHarrington]

Do you have any close friends?

To me it sounds like there may be a rescue dynamic at play. You’re in the role of the person needing to be rescued, everyone else is in the role of saving you.

You’re going to need to make a genuine effort to change this dynamic. Fair warning——some people won’t be able to make the change and you may have to leave them behind.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@NightSky Thank you for your post letting me know that you feel some of the same things as well.

@EveHarrington Thank you so much for your honesty and your post hit me in the head like a ton of bricks (in a good way..) I feel very much that I have always searched for people to save me...with my boyfriends, close friends, etc.. or I date guys that need rescuing (it can go either way for me) and when forming relationships on my problems or theirs...theres nothing more people dont like me for who i am and so they all leave eventually. This is why I have tried to stop sharing with others... Keep it all for my T because of this...However, I want to be saved and rescued by my friends...I want people to know how much pain I'm in and that I'm not doing well... Now I just feel alone and that I have no one...I became too much for a lot of people

 

[Freida]

When I am in a trauma loop, especially on emdr weeks, I may not even feel the care that people are showing me because I am hiding in a corner in my mind hoping that stuff people say will make it all go away. But it doesn’t go away, I have to ride it out.

Wow .That describes me exactly!!!

I want people to know how much pain I'm in and that I'm not doing well...

Do you share your success with your friends? Even the small ones can be huge in their eyes. That makes them your cheerleaders instead of your rescuers .....

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@WishfulThinking123, on this site, we can validate you and support your hurt and we won’t leave. In your first post, you said that you fake upset to continue feeling this sense of being rescued. Do not lose sight of that because your T can help you figure it out. Sometimes I refuse to feel the really good things that happen in my life because they either don’t seem real, I don’t feel that I deserve them or I get a sense that allowing the good will somehow turn it into bad. Guessing these are all cognitive distortions.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have been in a rescuer/rescuee situation before. I didn’t realize what was going on at first. I tried to change the dynamic but it didn’t work. (It was with my ex after we broke up and were trying to be friends.) I was trying to shift the friendship to a TRUE balanced friendship but he wasn’t doing the same. At every turn he continued to try and “save” me. I, on the other hand, was treating him as a friend, discussing my life and such. He was completely closed off to me (for whatever reason). The relationship was unbalanced and made me incredibly uncomfortable. The “friendship” ultimately ended.....one of the last things he said to me was that he could never do enough to prove to me that he cared. THAT WAS THE POINT! I wanted a friend. He continued to try and rescue me when I didn’t want rescuing.

I have been forming new friendships since December or so. My friends know about my struggles but none try to rescue me. If I’m struggling, I only share the basics ie “I’m struggling” or “I’m anxious”. Sometimes I just text asking for a hug. Sometimes I’m struggling but I don’t mention it at all as even just talking to friends can help.....they don’t always need to know I’m having a bad day. Sometimes I just text to check in with them and don’t mention how I’m doing unless they ask.

It’s very possible to have more balanced friendships! It may be a matter of finding new friends though and starting from scratch as shifting the established dynamic can be difficult if not impossible.

Hugs.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Do you share your success with your friends? Even the small ones can be huge in their eyes. That makes them your cheerleaders instead of your rescuers .....

I dont really...thing is what I'm really struggling with is resisting the urge of cutting and I have been resisting...however no one knows that I even currently struggle with this..I told a couple of people I trusted when I first started over a year ago...however when I quit that was the end of that and I didn't let anyone know I relapsed out of embarrassment...well I cant share success because no one knows whats going on besides my T...not even my parents...

on this site, we can validate you and support your hurt and we won’t leave.

Thank you for this encouragement!

that he could never do enough to prove to me that he cared.

I can relate to this so much...I need so much validation from the other (mostly in terms of a boyfriend) that it does get tiring for the other person.. This is why I have been trying not to reach out to others or discuss my problems and keep it to my T because I have been collecting "pseudo therapists" - then I realize it was never a friendship and they stop talking to me...no one wants to be my T or support person but my friend...but I want so desperately this dynamic...its so hard for me

It’s very possible to have more balanced friendships! It may be a matter of finding new friends though and starting from scratch as shifting the established dynamic can be difficult if not impossible.

The friends who became my "pseudo therapists" have left me...so now I have friends but, none of them seem real, I just try so desperately not to discuss any of my issues with anyone so, that no one gets scared off again but, then I'm just left facing everything alone...it gets lonely but, i guess this is how it has to be..

 

[grit]

Thanks for this post. I just recently realized during therapy that I bond well while in grief or experiencing loss. I am at my most productive when under pressure. Love is very close to me when I am hyped up.

But for me it was more of recognition of a pattern that I needed to work it through.