Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[TTC18]

I deserved way better than the fools who raised me.

You're right, you do.

 

[littleoc]

I deserved way better than the fools who raised me.

For sure.

AIDS is horrible. I’d be surprised if not every family was affected when it began spreading. Which is to say, it was not a “people die everyday” thing to start with. And even if it was, what a heartless thing to say. I’m so sorry your family offered no support then. :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

For sure.

AIDS is horrible. I’d be surprised if not every family was affected when it began spreading. Which is to say, it was not a “people die everyday” thing to start with. And even if it was, what a heartless thing to say. I’m so sorry your family offered no support then. :hug:

Thanks so much. It’s strange getting support around AIDS... There definitely wasn't any back then. ?

 

[ladee]

Welcome and an awesome start to your diary. Your clarity and self awareness is so great to read.

Hope you get comfortable and understand that your diary pages are for YOU to share what ever you need or want to.

People here understand. I'm glad you are here, but so very sorry for the reasons. You won't feel alone anymore.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Welcome and an awesome start to your diary. Your clarity and self awareness is so great to read.

Hope you get comfortable and understand that your diary pages are for YOU to share what ever you need or want to.

People here understand. I'm glad you are here, but so very sorry for the reasons. You won't feel alone anymore.

It's funny, I definitely don't feel like I have clarity and self awareness... but every time I have a flashback, the pieces start to come together in my mind. I write it up as I'm reliving it.... In the middle of feeling terror, I can still sort of know it's now... I tend to forget everything, but I can go back and read what I wrote later... and send a copy to my therapist so he knows what I've been dealing with. The poor guy sometimes gets 7 "flashback emails" a week...

Having it written down has also let me stop denying, denying, denying...

I already made a donation to the site... (I like to think of it as a "personal co-pay")... I couldn't afford much, but I can already tell this place is just what I needed.

 

[ladee]

It was, and still is, the same for me... just what I needed... again, glad you are here.

And great progress with the flashbacks, to know you are safe and it is 'now'...

Don't spend too much time being upset about how much time it's taken to get where you are. As long as we do something, we are ahead... you are doing it now, that is what is important.

 

[PTSDGuy]

It was, and still is, the same for me... just what I needed... again, glad you are here.

And great progress with the flashbacks, to know you are safe and it is 'now'...

Don't spend too much time being upset about how much time it's taken to get where you are. As long as we do something, we are ahead... you are doing it now, that is what is important.

I'm working on accepting that it's OK that it took me until now... My usual thing would be to find a way to blame myself...

Went to therapy last night, and the therapist seems to agree with you... I guess I'm doing well dealing with all these flashbacks... Which is good, since it seems that they've somehow become my nightly "entertainment".. Who needs television?

 

[ladee]

Ya, like having our own Rocky Horror Show Film with no cult following!!!

Mine are emotional flashbacks. I get all wonky and out there, then eventually say, 'OH NO, did I say that OUT LOUD??'...

I get it... but you really are doing very well with the flashbacks. As awful and painful as they are, you are able to know you are in the here and now and are safe!! That is huge progress.. So take a minute and tell yourself how awesome that is!!

 

[PTSDGuy]

Ya, like having our own Rocky Horror Show Film with no cult following!!!

Mine are emotional flashbacks. I get all wonky and out there, then eventually say, 'OH NO, did I say that OUT LOUD??'...

I get it... but you really are doing very well with the flashbacks. As awful and painful as they are, you are able to know you are in the here and now and are safe!! That is huge progress.. So take a minute and tell yourself how awesome that is!!

I've said things out loud to other people about my PTSD without even thinking... I was talking with someone and somehow told them I had PTSD, and when they asked the usual "why?", I said, "From being beaten and raped over and over by my father when I was a kid". They looked horrified, and I suddenly realized what I had just blurted out!

And I loved Rocky Horror! Used to go every Saturday night a million years ago. ?

 

[Mumo]

It's been 50 years since the abuse first happened, so I guess it's time to finally deal with everything that happened to me as a kid... and how it's been affecting my whole life.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all you have. You did not deserve the treatment given to you through your young years to now.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all you have. You did not deserve the treatment given to you through your young years to now.

Thank you...

It's really odd, I'm listening to a Michael Bublé song about wanting to be "home"... I'm sitting here sobbing.... I'm not sure why.... damn ... I grew up in hell, not a home... Maybe it's just hearing people who would actually want to go home and mean it?

Great, if that was a flashback, I'm totally confused.... My flashbacks are usually an hour... Weird, but whenever I'm back there, it feels like forever.... then I feel relatively back to normal, I check the time, and I've been writing/describing my flashback for an hour. This was maybe 10 minutes...

My therapist told me that EMDR can sometimes cause more flashbacks for up to a week ... Boy was he right... I've only actually had one EMDR session so far, and all kinds of flashbacks since then. Those ones I understand ... I'll call this one "an event"...

 

[bellbird]

I'm not sure why.... damn ... I grew up in hell, not a home... Maybe it's just hearing people who would actually want to go home and mean it?

Wow, this really stood out to me. I've had my feeling of where "home" is changed and warped a lot over the past few years.
I've tried to work on creating an internal sense of home, instead; a "home" that can stay with me even when things are changing on the outside.

Hope the post-EMDR symptoms settle soon.
Perhaps try to up the self-care for a few days?