Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

Wow, this really stood out to me. I've had my feeling of where "home" is changed and warped a lot over the past few years.
I've tried to work on creating an internal sense of home, instead; a "home" that can stay with me even when things are changing on the outside.

Hope the post-EMDR symptoms settle soon.
Perhaps try to up the self-care for a few days?

I'll do the usual and hit the gym tomorrow... I still can't believe I like to walk... or row... or sorta lift weights... but it's definitely self-care... (well, to me it is!)

Maybe I do need a "do whatever I feel like" day... plus, shut down my Sherlock Holmes brain that never stops trying to find new memories to help me truly accept that my abuse was real.... then again, that would take about 2.4 seconds.... I've always known...

Yep, I need self-care...

 

[bellbird]

but it's definitely self-care... (well, to me it is!)

Yeah!! :)

If your Sherlock Holmes brain kicks up a fuss, tell it it can resume its business soon and everything will still be ok.
(Sometimes it can help to try and appease the difficult parts.)

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah!! :)

If your Sherlock Holmes brain kicks up a fuss, tell it it can resume its business soon and everything will still be ok.
(Sometimes it can help to try and appease the difficult parts.)

God, you're opening up a can of worms in my brain (Sort of like that visual)... I'm one of those "non-touchy-feely, let's think intellectually" kind of guys... and the idea of parts is still hard for me to go with yet...

Although, I do find myself saying, "well, one part of me wants to ___ , and the other part wants to _______."... and I'm just realizing I also will think, "The Bad PTSDGuy would love to do that" or "The Good PTSDGuy would agree with that"...

Darn... you guys are forcing me to question even more stuff.... you're a tough crowd... ?

 

[bellbird]

I'm one of those "non-touchy-feely, let's think intellectually" kind of guys... and the idea of parts is still hard for me to go with yet...

No rush to go even anywhere near it yet.
Was just trying to think of a way to single out Sherlock Holmes brain as being the difficult "thing".
I'm with you on the intellectual thing. I started parts work this year and it was very... foreign, at first, but it has helped.

But yeah, we can be a tough crowd, even if that instance wasn't on purpose :P

 

[TTC18]

It's really odd, I'm listening to a Michael Bublé song about wanting to be "home"... I'm sitting here sobbing.... I'm not sure why.... damn ... I grew up in hell, not a home... Maybe it's just hearing people who would actually want to go home and mean it?

I've cried about the concept of 'home' before - it's grief for me. The sense of loss, knowing I don't have that comforting sense of 'home'

 

[PTSDGuy]

I've cried about the concept of 'home' before - it's grief for me. The sense of loss, knowing I don't have that comforting sense of 'home'

Yeah, maybe it's grief... I'm not too good at figuring out what I'm feeling... It's weird how songs are hitting me lately... I was listening to "Dance with my father" by Luther Vandross and started sobbing... I definitely wouldn't want to dance with my father if he was still alive... I'd want to knee him in the balls...

Something about someone wanting to dance with their father hits me really hard. I've never allowed myself to feel anything except hatred for him. And home is even more confusing - since he built my childhood home himself. So when I even think of "home", it's totally connected to him...

Damn, I hate this... My mind isn't working all of a sudden..

I can't really write any more ... I'm so spaced out right now... f*ck

 

[TTC18]

:hug: if you don't mind :hugs: You've been through a lot. Try not to go too fast - it can hit pretty hard sometimes.
The conflict between the natural feelings we, as humans, want to feel for our parents - and the feelings we actually feel because of their horrid behavior, abuse, neglect, etc. are awful.
Home is what you make it. You can make yourself a home, disconnected from him and any of those awful memories - make it your own, and make it happy and healthy. :) It might take a while, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I hope you have a better day.

 

[PTSDGuy]

It's hard to accept that anyone actually cares... I grew up depending on myself. There was no one safe to turn to... so I'm not too good with support. I usually just blow things off by insulting myself as a joke. But inside, there's a part of me that feels good that I'm not totally alone any more - there are other people who get it... So thank you...

 

[TTC18]

It's hard to accept that anyone actually cares... I grew up depending on myself. There was no one safe to turn to... so I'm not too good with support. I usually just blow things off by insulting myself as a joke. But inside, there's a part of me that feels good that I'm not totally alone any more - there are other people who get it... So thank you...

Me too. I realized recently that in my head, the only safe person in the world is my kiddo. I don't feel safe loving ANYONE else. My T is nice. I have friends who I consider to be nice. And I care about them. But letting them in and genuinely letting them support me? Noooo thanks. LOL. I've gotten such great support here - and felt OK about accepting it, because there's ZERO threat that someone's going to show up at my door, call me on the phone, or do ANYTHING to hurt me.
Knowing that there are people out there who care is a good thing. :) And I'm glad you didn't start insulting yourself!! :) You're doing great, I think. Just don't push yourself too hard. (Pot, meet kettle) :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

It's the strangest thing to talk with people who actually understand. I think my therapist is amazing, but I always assume that he'll suddenly find a reason to dump me. He had an emergency one week and had to cancel - I had myself convinced that I had said something that finally pushed him over the edge. I emailed him and told him that I understood he was dumping me...

When I saw him the next week, he was amazed that I had gotten to that point in my head. And that he wasn't going anywhere... I almost believed him. But no matter how great he is, he can't quite get it like other people who have been through the same kind of insanity...

I was once talking about my abuse, and I'm pretty sure he was crying... which really freaked me out... I went to "My abuse was so horrifying that even therapists cry hearing about it".... and felt like a total freak... but I think a big part is that if people feel sorry for me, I might end up remembering more, and have to deal with more stuff I've locked away...

I fight remembering stuff tooth and nail most of the time. Most people use marijuana to forget things... I use medical marijuana to lower my anxiety and actually remember... It's like clockwork, I vape at night, sit in my "safe room", and allow myself to re-live everything.... some of the things I've never forgotten suddenly make sense when I remember something else. All my memories are like parts of a jigsaw puzzle - I keep trying to keep the pieces in the box - but they keep ending up on the table forcing me to look at the picture...

Part of me wants to know everything, but another part of me is terrified of remembering...

Sorry, I'm rambling...

 

[TTC18]

:hug: Seriously - don't try so hard. I hate to think of you getting overwhelmed by all this. You don't have to do it all at once - give yourself some time to process what you've already brought up. It's so tough - but I'm pretty sure that overloading yourself isn't going to make it go any faster. :hug:
and -don't apologize. And ramble all you want. It's your diary! :) :) :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

OK, I'll try to relax a bit... I've got EMDR on Tuesday... Maybe I can actually take some time before that to think about something other than the abuse...?

I've learned to work the system most of the time... I can figure out anything that works logically. Or sort of logically. But there's no logic to flashbacks... And I can't figure them out or control them... Memories don't make sense, and they're showing up when they want to. I'm going to have to accept that I guess.

Just reading everything you've written has made me realize I'm actually exhausted from pushing myself... I think your insights are sinking in. :hug: