Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[Mumo]

I still think you are brave. :) Have your adult, determined self take your young self to therapy tonight. Tell your younger self he is a knight and to take courage, he's battling, but not alone. You will be with him and so will "T". He has a lot of people lifting him up. He will never be alone again, you will be with him.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I still think you are brave. :) Have your adult, determined self take your young self to therapy tonight. Tell your younger self he is a knight and to take courage, he's battling, but not alone. You will be with him and so will "T". He has a lot of people lifting him up. He will never be alone again, you will be with him.

Sometimes I just feel like I am banging my head on a wall... I wanna be dealing with my abuse, and instead I'm dealing with this shit. In my email to the therapist who owns(?) or runs the practice, I said I didn't want to deal with intake because I'm too upset, and within 5 minutes I get an email from the intake person making excuses...

I'm literally sitting here sobbing... I'm so sick of fighting this kind of stuff my whole life. I don't feel brave... I feel overwhelmed

 

[somerandomguy]

It's frustrating. I think some of the most frustrating things I've had to deal with myself haven't been directly related to the PTSD, but the other life events I've had to deal with along with dealing with the PTSD.

Can't life just kind of pause until I'm well enough to deal with it? But no, it goes on regardless ...

 

[TTC18]

overwhelmed

This. This is me about 90% of the time! Frustration >> Overwhelm :hug:

You don't have to 'feel' brave to BE brave. You're doing great. :hug: :)

 

[Mumo]

I'm literally sitting here sobbing... I'm so sick of fighting this kind of stuff my whole life. I don't feel brave... I feel overwhelmed

Yes, yes...
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, that you are having to fight through this. It is very hard. You are working very hard and obstacles can be overwhelming, but you're doing so well. :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

EMDR kind of went well. We talked a bit about the crap I'm stuck dealing with, then worked on some more exercises. It actually helped me calm down a bit. At least while I was there it did.

I get home, and after emailing my therapist's office Intake person earlier to tell her to stop - I couldn't deal with stuff any more, found out she emailed again... Talking down to me and telling me of course my husband could start therapy - with a different therapist in a choice of two other offices - one is 35 miles away, the other one is 40 miles away. Like that's some sort of option... Each one would take roughly 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get to in LA traffic. I go half that distance to work, and it takes between an hour and and an hour and a half just to do that.

Even when I tell people to leave me alone and that I can't deal with stuff, they just ignore it. I'm just so sick of this. It feels like asking for help just gets you punched in the face over and over. It's been like this my whole life. I asked for help as a kid and got ignored. I ask for help as an adult and get ignored.

I spent the rest of the night writing to my therapist about how sick I am of being betrayed. I've been working so hard to improve myself, but it never matters - it doesn't matter what I do, I get f*cked over. I even tried to do something nice for myself and worked with my chiropractor to set up a personal training session with him at the gym next week. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to ask him.

Now I just want to cancel it. What's the point of looking better on the outside when you're just going to get screwed anyway. So instead of being fat and screwed, now I'm muscular and screwed. I really had myself convinced that things were getting better. What a joke.

I have to go to work today, but I just feel like jumping in my car and driving - anywhere - as long as it's far away. I'm just so tired of trying and getting kicked in the teeth.

I'm sorry for coming on here and being so negative. I know everyone has their own stuff, and doesn't need me whining on and on.

 

[somerandomguy]

When I first started working on my trauma stuff, it seemed like it made my life WORSE, not better. My frustration levels amped way up. I was always tired and irritable. I just felt like nothing was working well in my life at all.

But it gets better! It really does. Sometimes you have to push through ... and sometimes it's OK just to say "f*ck it" and spend the day in bed.

I'm sorry for coming on here and being so negative.

One rule of thumb I have is that if I notice myself apologizing in my trauma diary? I've probably been triggered and am being symptomatic. It's not that way for everyone, I realize, but keep in mind that your diary is here for YOUR use in ANY way you want to use it. Apologies are completely unnecessary. Some people prefer to be the only ones to post in their diaries, others enjoy a long, freewheeling discussion with as many members as possible. Both are fine and so is everything in between. Your diary - and this website - is whatever you want to make of it. It's here to help YOU. We are all here to help you - and ourselves.

 

[TTC18]

Even when I tell people to leave me alone and that I can't deal with stuff, they just ignore it.

I *hate* that. It's so frustrating. You'd think someone in a therapist's office would be better able to handle this situation! Is there a manager you can talk to instead?

What's the point of looking better on the outside when you're just going to get screwed anyway.

Well, it depends. Are you going to the gym to look better, or are you doing it for your health? And - trust me, people get screwed no matter what they look like, and no matter what kind of person they are, etc. Getting the runaround by crappy customer service is a universal thing. Trust me, I deal with the VA just about every day, so I know the pain. I have cried more tears of frustration dealing with people at the VA in the past 15 years than I have cried about ANY of my trauma. Of course I stuff my trauma tears, haha, so I don't know if that's a fair comparison, but seriously - I know the pain you're going through. Being ignored, treated like you're stupid or unimportant, etc. It's just so frustrating. :hug: But - don't let the jerk-ey people get you down! :) For every crappy person out there, there are 10 nice people. If crappy was the norm, we wouldn't even notice it.

Also, I agree with somerandomguy :) :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

I’m waiting at my doctor’s office to see my doctor - who I have to fight with every time I need anything. I just don’t have the energy to fight.

I’ll try to respond to people later. There’s so much people have said that I want to reread and analyze when I have time. I can’t deal with it now or I’ll be sobbing when my doctor shows up.

I think it was @somerandomguy who said saying sorry could mean it’s some kind of flashback. That sounds right. You’re so brilliant...

And @tryingtocope18, I always feel like you just get me. I always figured that everyone military/police related would just dismiss me as a faggot who got abused. (Wonder where I got that? ?). But you’re forcing me to deal with the fact that that’s coming from me, not anyone else.

 

[TTC18]

And @tryingtocope18, I always feel like you just get me. I always figured that everyone military/police related would just dismiss me as a faggot who got abused. (Wonder where I got that? ?).

:hug: Nope. You're a human being who got abused. :hug: I can't speak for all veterans, but I would never intentionally be around anyone who would dismiss child abuse - and aside from my own family, I can't think of anyone who would dismiss child abuse.

But you’re forcing me to deal with the fact that that’s coming from me, not anyone else.

Possibly your inner critic? Based on stuff you heard and internalized as a kid? That's not exactly *you* though. :hug:
PS - let me know if :hug: hugs are uncomfortable. I tend to smiley-face and hug without thinking about it. In real life I'm VERY NOT huggy, haha, but am free with them here somehow. :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yes, yes...
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, that you are having to fight through this. It is very hard. You are working very hard and obstacles can be overwhelming, but you're doing so well. :)

I'm not sure how well I'm really doing...Yesterday I spent from 6:00 in the afternoon until 11:00 writing to my therapist about what happened. I think I cried for about 4 hours straight... I asked him over and over for months to talk to the other therapist to find out if he could work with my husband. Whenever I asked him, he said he would. But I don't think he ever did. So, I unloaded on him.... I told him that I thought I had finally found someone I trusted, but as usual, I ended up getting f*cked by trusting him.

So now I get to stress over what I wrote. I trust him more than anyone I've ever dealt with, and now I f*cked it up. I don't even want to go to therapy tomorrow. I will of course... I always do what I'm "supposed to" do - until I f*ck it up...

Amazingly, I almost never swore until the flashbacks started... When I was a kid, I was horrified when people swore... It's sort of amazing that I was somehow innocent even after years of getting raped... I think the only time I remember swearing was telling my father to get the f*ck away from me as he was on top of me. All that did was get me beaten and raped. Now I swear constantly. ?

And thanks, @Mumo... Your comments are always so supportive. :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

:hug: Nope. You're a human being who got abused. :hug: I can't speak for all veterans, but I would never intentionally be around anyone who would dismiss child abuse - and aside from my own family, I can't think of anyone who would dismiss child abuse.

You should have met my family.. They were experts at it... and I'm starting to learn that my father was not typical of vets or the police...

Possibly your inner critic? Based on stuff you heard and internalized as a kid? That's not exactly *you* though. :hug:
PS - let me know if :hug: hugs are uncomfortable. I tend to smiley-face and hug without thinking about it. In real life I'm VERY NOT huggy, haha, but am free with them here somehow. :)

My therapist is always amazed at the fact my father was raping me and calling me a faggot. (I hate that word, but sometimes it just works....)

I'm fine with hugs.. Although if it was in person and you touched my shoulders I'd freak out.... But I think we're safe on here. ?