I've missed filling in for 2 days. I quite seriously get extremely confused if something shakes my balance, and just can't get my head together to write. I've been at this awhile, it appears to be one of those things which will remain broken and there's nothing you can do about it. I've talked to a few folks on this topic. There's just nothing much on long-term effects, long term survivors of long term traumas. I could give them some data if anyone ever came looking if my head was home that day.
I'll just do yesterday ( I think ). Positive experience, went to daughter's school to watch her last-ever college level sports game. She graduates very soon, I've been at this game watching since she was 8. It's her last one, of all the times I've spent on chilly bleachers, watching her streak down a field with a ball. She's extremely good, not just good, was the fastest kid in the league in high school, no one close. At 5 foot nothing, fun to watch, plus a solid presence out there. I did get her there, meaning I drove the car, she did the work, from 8 on up. She's my mother's clone,maybe with more elbows flying claiming rightful room for her gifts. It was awful but wonderful, the last game. I could have avoided it like I CAN avoid a lot of stuff, did not because it meant a ton to her that I was there.
Grateful for all 4 kids. I tell my T alllll the time, I have zero, and I mean this deeply, zero idea how in h*ll they got the way they did, such GOOD people for one thing and eye on the ball acheivers, fearless as heck, for another.
Grateful I got to check in with history, it's a wierd thing, watching my daughter play on a field over which moved massive armies, her grgrgrgrandfathers, 2 of them, marched and rode through that dirt 150 years ago. 2 uncles died there, one of them in easy eyeshot, could have looked down on that field and may have as a last breath left him. It does a lot to your perspective, putting ancestors in place like a flipped, transparent overlay on the present. It's a deep place, this life, or as deep as you allow it to be.
Grateful my head appears to be ticking over this morning. It STILL wasn't yesterday. I had that stupid thing where right/left, north/south would NOT stay where they belonged. Maddening. I work terribly, terribly hard at plain old functioning every, single day, for real. All this apparent glibness is actually the result of my own version of wearing a hair shirt, I'm so impacably tough on myself. Balance is key. I had a few things shove the ricter scale up the other day, with predictable results and yes, it is indeed up to myself to fix the resultant mess. There's no Triple AAA truck to roll up and tow you out of a PTSD wreck.
Act of kindness was to take my son with me to his sister's game. He had to miss a soccer game of his own an really wanted to. I was intending to make him go keep his commitments, then thought better of it. Who am I to interfere in the relationship between the 2 of them, just because I can? This was actually between them, nothing really to do with me.
I don't think I'll participate in another 21 days, although it would be nice to watch. My forum time is SO limited, it's all I've been able to pull off, keeping this commitment. It'll be nice to get back to saying hi to other members, although do not at all regret being part of this. I'm grateful for the chance, and it's changed perspectives in my opinion.
