Others respecting you...

[Rani G2]

I know I tend to come again and again with same old questions.

There is this mindset especially at work that others are threatening... its the power and subjugation mechanism. I'm either weak or I am powerful which agains means I might have enemies at some point.

I realize this at work a lot, at one point I dont want others to dislike me because it feels threatening but then again I feel thinking this way is making me a weak person. I have tendencies to belittle myself but the the otherside of the spectrum thinking others must honour me.

I have a colleague who is less worried about what others think of her, she is less apologetische and doesnt try the “will you please like me“ thing, which I again see as something I want.


Has anyone experience in this way of thinking?

I fear immensly loosing respect but then again I dont come off as weak because I can argue if necessary, but its the emotional structure which is painful...

 

[Friday]

I'm either weak or I am powerful

Cognitive distortion(s)? &/or Negative Core Beliefs?

1 - All or Nothing Thinking. (Black & White Thinking)
9 - Labeling & Mislabeling (extreme form of over generalizing)

Both have some really solid tools for changing

Cognitive Distortions - Identify & Change Negative Thinking

Negative Thinking Styles - Reframing Negative Thoughts, PTSD

Negative Thinking Styles - Reframing Negative Thoughts Pt 2

 

[Mach123]

I call this dominance and submission and it is an ugly subject and probably the main reason I really don't have anything to do with anyone right now or for the last few years. (very little outside my immediate family) I can't do this meaning navigate this and how it works. I was reading on here yesterday about something called fawning. I call it submitting. That's all I can say about it in an open forum. Yes, I have a terrible time with this. Your inbox is full. : ) (OMG what TexCat just said!)

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Your post could be labeled as "Why Texcat went to Therapy."

 

[blueangel371115]

I

Has anyone experience in this way of thinking?

I fear immensly loosing respect but then again I dont come off as weak because I can argue if necessary, but its the emotional structure which is painful...

ALL THE TIME. For me, it sucks. I end up taking crap until I want to explode but I don't want to say anything when I deem it mild because they might consider it whining ( losing respect) . It's bad enough I'm afraid to speak up in certain situations that are dangerous and I've wound up abused. It makes me sad and sick. I tell myself I'll speak up next time, but I don't. Mostly because, when I do I feel bad.

 

[Rani G2]

Hey Friday,

Cognitive distortion(s)? &/or Negative Core Beliefs?

1 - All or Nothing Thinking. (Black & White Thinking)
9 - Labeling & Mislabeling (extreme form of over generalizing)

Yes, I agree Friday.... thanks I will check those links out.

Hey Mach123,

dominance and submission and it is an ugly subject and probably the main reason I really don't have anything to do with anyone right now or for the last few years.

it is the hardest, and the ugliest, but as long as I keep on avoiding it, the harder it gets. Being aware of old thinking structures, getting distance to them and at the same time finding healthier ways to deal with these emotions is more than challenging. I find it hard to get out that bubble... everytime I am in such a place I usually fall into depression or I feel very anxious.

Hey TexCat,

I know we deal with something similar, I think we spoke about this once!?

Still on the road, struggeling, falling back, crawling and standing.....

Hello Blueangel371115,

I end up taking crap until I want to explode but I don't want to say anything when I deem it mild because they might consider it whining ( losing respect) . It's bad enough I'm afraid to speak up in certain situations that are dangerous and I've wound up abused. It makes me sad and sick.

Its very very hard, It does make us sick and sad. I have a slightly different strategy but I too, struggle with this. Usually, I say things, but .... after that I feel I was too aggressive, or said something unreasonable, or I might've not listend probably. People think I am outspoken and tough, but from the inner I usually feel weak and fear that I will be someday be oppressed. I absolutely hate being the one who back's off. If someone says something, I usally talk back, or I say something sarcastic but still I feel I need to win and come out of it as someone powerful.

I once had a discussion with someone, and she argued in a way, that I had to actually kind of take a step back, as I didnt listen probably in the beginning. So, this was WEAKNESS for me. I didnt win.

 

[Rani G2]

win and come out of it as someone powerful.

but even by saying this, I know it never ever made me in any way the winner. What does winning mean? Winning comparing to whom?

 

[Mach123]

but even by saying this, I know it never ever made me in any way the winner. What does winning mean? Wi...

It means being dominant in that situation and the other person submits. (for a change) I don't know how to do it. Not gracefully anyway. Let's just say I never had much luck "winning friends and influencing people." Lol

 

[Rani G2]

Yes, its the immediate superficial conception of winning, but the disturbance arises when I keep struggeling with selfrecrimination and I feel as if someday someone is going to hunt me down for being that way.

Its almost as if I will have to pay for it.

What f* up minds....

Urghhhh

 

[Mach123]

Yes if you assert and win, or even if you slack off after having won, you run the risk of being ostracized by the group. If you are dominant then yes, you feel like "they" are out to get you and they are, life's hard at the top lol.

 

[Mach123]

Yes we can feel guilty about winning or anything that feels like winning. I do anyway.

 

[ladee]

As a general rule, I don't care what others think of me... there will always be some who do not like me, no matter what I say,or do, or don't say or don't do.. for me , winning, is walking away with my SELF respect.... I will NOT argue with someone... I just went no contact with someone who would argue with a coat hanger.... so a hundred years from now, does it matter if you win or lose?
I have to give thought to how I want to stand up for myself, as I tend to be impulsive and sarcastic.... I could care less about what they think, I just don't like myself when I handle it that way... which I still do on occasion.
Being the 'winner' is liking myself when all is said and done...

I know some of your history PURUSHA, so working on core beliefs will probably give you some great answers... and reading about cognitive distortions will help a lot to separate that winning or loosing feeling.... good luck to you.. I know this is something your struggle with...hope you find some answers that apply to you and your life..