Our Child Vs Step Child Relationship

[Nighteyes]

I've been in a committed relationship for years now. I've been suffering as well off and on, mostly on, from symptoms of my PTSD. Relationships are a real struggle for me, any kind of relationship not just romantic.

We know have a child together, that aspect is okay. However he has a child from a past fling ( won't call it a relationship as they were never dating just you know when my fiancé was in his drug days). The child from that relationship exhibits behavior issues and signs of sever abuse/ neglect by the custodial parent. W have been in court for years fighting for custody, something with the birth of our child and the curruption in the system we have stopped fighting for this. Anyway the problems I am having is I am beginning to see the step child as a curse sort of speak. He triggers me when he's around, his behavoir scares the crap out of me and in such I am very very over protective of my child when the step child is around. I refuse to leave them alone and the conflict it creates between my fiancé and me is getting horrible.

My fiancé is not a very supportive person when it comes to my worries and well my past. He is in disbelief about the few things he has learned about me past. He finds my "tellings"'of what has happened to be to far fetched and calls them attention seeking. He thinks being part of this forum is attention seeking.

And really I just don't know what to do.

I seriously fear for my Childs well-being when my step child is around and my fiancé and I can't really even talk about it. He himself refuses to believe his child has had something traumatic happen, so he won't even hear me out on the issues.

How can I protect my child? How can I not resent my step child? Sigh how can we all get along?
Thanks :)

 

[Nicolette]

Wow, a difficult predicament. I feel for your struggle and can appreciate your building resentment based on what you write.

For the sake of your own child - I wouldn't leave the children alone together and that would not be debatable if I had such concerns.

 

[Innordinate]

IMHO - ditch the guy.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Nighteyes,

Trust your instincts. Supervising the children together is not over reacting, it is just prudent.

Deb

 

[Abrasky]

It sounds like the child has signs of abuse from the previous parent and hasn't had a proper attachment from the start. I feel for you in this predicament. I would try and get the child in to see a psychologist that specialises with children. I would also try to work on any underlying issues I have that might be getting in the way of raising this child. All children should be loved, not just the good ones. Sometimes things get in the way with own own pasts that help us to accept both good and bad parts of ourselves and this can effect the way we raise our children. It took me to figure out I had resentments about a relationship in my childhood to accept that my son is good bad and mischievious and I will accept the damn well lot of the sum of his wonderful personality.
It sounds like your partner has issues of his own. Sorry about that. He needs a metaphorical kick in the butt.

 

[Nighteyes]

Maze: Thank you for your advice.
The step child is a very emotionless individual (BTW the child is only 7 years old). this past weekend he began expressing thoughts of being dead and non-existant to myself and his grandmother. the child is severaly suffering with instability issues on the custodial parents part (moved for the 4th time since April of 2010, going to the 6th school since JK.. and has behaviors befiting a abused and neglected child) With that said, we only have the child on weekends, and dont have the $$$ to pay for private councellers..and funded ones in Canada where i live only work monday to friday. I have perposed to both my partner as well as the custodial parent that the child get profesional mental health, if not for the reasons I think, for the reasons the child is brining up and experessing.
Costodial parent figures its just to try and make her look bad that its all about getting at her (that is the person she is extremely selfish!!!! I have met alot of ppl in my life and career and non as selfish and self centred as her)
And the father (my partner) refuses to belive there is an issue, and is really at the point were the system as failed the child for so long now that,. he doenst see a point anymore in trying to improve the childs life.
Its a very extreme situation there.

When It comes to our child together, hes a different man. but thats because our child lives with us and is around all the time to bond with and help develope right etc.
I ask myself why on earth i entered a relastionship with all this crap on the table...all crap that really isnt mine to befiguring out or mine to be dealing with. And its always my partners crap (issues) that get to be duelt with while mine get to be pushed to the side and stew.
Its to the point I dont really know if its worth staying... sigh.
My child is only a year old and is a great little one. I fear so badly that my step-childs ways and issues are going to ware off on my child and curropt my child.
I really just dont know anything anymore...
And with out suport or help with the issues...how can they get better...but how can you help when you have no rights or anything to help.... ARG!
Sorry I think I'm venting more then asking for anything here. lol sorry...

 

[Innordinate]

Social services. ?

 

[Abrasky]

I can't comment on this any more. I hope this child can get some better parenting and stepparenting at some stage.

 

[Nighteyes]

InnordinTe: they are involved on the custodial parents side, have been since the day the child was born. It's one of the reason she keeps moving, as in Canada each county has there own sc and they dont communicate. the SC has been called in every county she's lived in by the schools as well as other ppl on top of us doing so.

And on the not about better parenting don't be adding step parent in there. That child wouldnt have clothing or school supplies or toys ect if it wasn't for stepmom. My thought are Not shared with the child. The child is shown unconditional love by me regardless of how I feel or fear. You can't blame the child for the way they are and that is something I don't do. But I am also aloud to fear for MY childs well-being. You are a product of your environment, if your environment is full of abuse and neglect you think it's normal and portray it else where. My job as a parent is to PROTECT my child!!!!
And if it means not allowing stepchild near my child that's what I will do!!!

 

[Nicolette]

Nighteyes, would you please mind not using abbreviations that are not universally known as I have no idea with 'sc' and have had to read entire sentences at times to try & work out what you mean. Thanks.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

That really is a tough situation... I definitely agree with the others that you need to put your child's best interests first and never leave the two of them alone together.
I suppose I can understand why your fiance wants to deny any problems with his son since that would make him feel very badly as a father. I think as a mother, and generally as a caring person, you are probably overreaching in this situation. It is your fiance's responsibility that his son be taken care of and his needs are met, not yours. If your fiance will not hear you out on these concerns of mental health (which are well-founded if he's talking about wanting to be dead), then he is not being a responsible parent.
Personally, I would tell him that if he wants to visit with his son on the weekends, he's going to have to stay at his mother's house or somewhere away from your baby. If neither him or the boy's mom are going to be responsible parents and take care of their son's emotional and psychological needs, why should your daughter have to suffer for it? That's cruel and totally out of line and I wouldn't put up with it for one second.
If your fiance doesn't support your healing process for PTSD, I would definitely have some concerns about how he's going to support your frustration when your daughter gets older and her behavior that may become rebellious. He needs to educate himself on mental illness and that point should be made clear to him (but in a firm, decisive way, not a begging & whining sort of way, if that makes sense). If he will not be supportive of you and more protective of BOTH of his children (wanting his daughter to not be exposed to the negative behaviors of his son and seeking help for his son), then you need to do what's right by your daughter, and show him the door. Your daughter needs a stable home life free from possibly being abused by her brother or her emotional needs ignored by her father.
Also, as a father, he needs to lay the law down when it comes to you, meaning, you are to be respected and listened to in the house because you are his equal. His son must listen to you, and the mother of his son may not undermine your parental authority when it comes to your daughter and the rules you've set for the house. Additionally, everything you say is important and must be taken seriously because you are a competent adult, the mother of his daughter, and soon to be his partner in life. He may not treat you like a child and accuse you of seeking attention. That is not what you tell your partner and that is not what you tell a grown woman. He needs to grow up, wake up, and own up to his responsibilities, and if he can't do that, I think it's best that you leave.