Paranoia?

[GWhizz]

Honestly not sure where to put this...

First off, I do not suffer from paranoia other Than PTSD related hypervigilance.

So last time I quit therapy was because I thought I was being followed. I mean my abusers told me they'd kill me should I ever talk. I used to cycle to therapy and on the way sometimes I'd stop and grab coffee.

One particular time, convinced I was being followed, I stopped for coffee managing to convince myself that I was being paranoid.. But come out to my bike and the guy I thought was following me is waiting by the parked bikes and actually tries to strike up a conversation with me. I tell myself I'm totally losing it and get on with things as is my way. And off I cycle. Only to feel that followed feeling again. There he is behind me. I stop at the junction and he stops too but in traffic I refuse to move pretending to be on the phone. He eventually moves off and I proceed to therapy.

I can't help but feel this way again now that I've reimmersed myself in therapy. I do not want my T to know as I think it sounds so far out. Btw, this kind of thing happened more than once before I really paid it any heed.

Do I sound completely paranoid? I feel like I'm only waiting for them to come back for me. This has been compounded by my partner's recent return to work. I'm especially terrified when alone in the house. Night time of course leading to increased panic.

I'm honestly about ready to check myself in. If I weren't breastfeeding I'd be there already. I just don't believe they'll ever truly leave me alone.

 

[Anarchy]

A couple of questions to challenge your feelings with

how would they know that you were going to a T, as opposed to going to work or just out for a ride around?

I'm guessing that you probably were not the only person who they have preyed upon - how would they manage to watch all of you?

The guy following you to the coffee and then in traffic does sound very weird

sending you :hug:

 

[Riot]

@GWhizz, I just wanted to pop in and make a reply to your thread to let you know that I can relate to what you're saying. If you'd like me to elaborate, just let me know, but I do think you should tell your T about it, even if it means reading or printing what you wrote here in your post. I also think it's important to point out that paranoia, even through triggers and hypervigilance, does happen in PTSD. I had a very hard time in early April with this, and even harder time confronting it, but once I talked about it with my T, I came to understand it much better. Surprisingly, having occasional paranoia in this sense doesn't automatically mean you're necessarily dangerous and should be locked up, or that you're beyond help.

Hang in there!

 

[FauxLiz]

Gwhizz, I understand that you are questioning if this is paranoia or something else. I have questioned that myself too many times. I have so many times questioned if I was being followed, were people eavesdropping on me or tracking my emails. I frequently change routes to common locations as a result. But I do this because I have been traumatized in my home, threatened in my work place, home, accosted in public because of my employment and libeled and slandered because of my job. I may be paranoid but I am also safe and care PPE with me at all times.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have paranoia struggles that stem from trauma. I know how horrible it feels. I know those urges to want to check yourself in. I know it's not easy.

 

[GWhizz]

A couple of questions to challenge your feelings with

how would they know that you were going to a T,...

Thanks for your comment.
To answer your questions, my family were my main abusers and while there was also some abuse from acquaintances of theirs outside of the family, I was the single "scapegoat" I guess. And when that incident while cycling happened, I was also going through a struggle with my T requesting that she didn't report what I told her, for fear of the repercussions. I know that should my family be investigated, they would know I had spoken up. My younger brother was a minor at that time so my T wanted to ensure his safety. Worried that she may have reported things, and also running into a family "acquaintance", along with the worry of even getting to therapy, I quit.

I have been threatened so much, I guess I'm just a nervous wreck about it all. I feel at my wits end.

I'm on my own most of the day with 2 young kids so for now I feel it's best I don't do anything to put them at risk.

Yes it's probably my old childlike fears and my constant struggle to get comfortable with speaking out but I need time to figure this out. I find it hard to know which fears are truly founded as I have emotional disregulation but this feels like a real worry, rational or not.

 

[GWhizz]

@GWhizz, I just wanted to pop in and make a reply to your thread to let you know that I...

Yes of course, it would be helpful to hear others experiences. It's like it crosses a line into a grey area or something being hypervigilant when those with PTSD have real threatening issues they may or may not be completely free of.

For example, a major paedophile who was imprisoned for life, just died recently. Only now are people speaking out who had also been victimised by him, and link him to the disappearance of a local young boy who was never found. All these years the other victims knew that this man killed that boy. And even though he was imprisoned until death, victims still feared he'd follow through on his word and come back for them if they spoke out, that he'd get released somehow. I totally have this fear still. Yet I never intend to report anyone (yes call me a coward), I worry about the reporting duty of those I speak to.

 

[Anarchy]

exponential
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I don't know whether it is the small size of Ireland (2 degrees of separation rather than five or seven) or whether Ireland has a disproportionate number of abusers

I usually think it's the former, I came back to England to find out that the father of one of my little friends from primary school (I honestly cant remember whether he used to come to my birthday parties) was probably the worst child rapist ever convicted here (his surname was Husband, I've seen at least one of his victims here).

Back to the Emerald PIIIG,
The day Larry Murphy was released from prison, I ate my lunch in a Bistro/cafe in Carlow town (Formenti -it's really good), I was late, so there were only 3 other customers in there.

I 've met and spoken (about something else entirely) to the woman who Murphy was caught trying to murder, I wouldn't claim to know her, but, I know her Father (very active in fund raising for the local GAA) and two of her brothers fairly well...

Of the other three customers, one knew the lady,

and the other two were good mates with the lads from Baltinglass who were out lamping deer that night, and shone their lamp on Murphy trying to murder her, and recognized him (feck! that they didn't put a bullet in him - they later got their rifles confiscated for their public spiritedness), They saved her life and eventually caught up with her and calmed her down (she's some runner!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she had no reason to believe that they were not Murphy's accomplices).

:hug: to the lady if she's ever a member here!

So, yeah, my rambling and long winded point is, Ireland is a small place. I can totally empathise with both your fears, and question them at the same time. I can also empathise with your fears and with your T's fears.

It's such a difficult one. "paranoia" is absolutely rational for us - given what we have experienced.
Whether or not it is an appropriate response at this moment in time is a different matter.

:hug:@

 

[GWhizz]

exponential
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I...

The kid I'm referring to was Philip Cairns, very local to where I grew up and went to school, but a bit before my time. Eamon Cooke is believed to be responsible for his death now and possibly others too. They believed he spoke out to the wrong person who in turn was partly responsible for his death.. That's what makes me shiver so much, because you're always told to tell on bullies and not believe their threats..

And I know we're going off topic, but yes Ireland is terribly small. I lived in a rented house directly opposite Ian Bailey in college. He was studying law at the time - to help him get around the legal system lol. My partner met him at lunch a few times as his friend was a classmate. He spoke to him candidly and frankly about Sophie Toscan du Plantier and he said, reading him, he was definitely guilty. He creeped me out any time I saw him anyway!