Parts That Want Us Dead

[shimmerz]

How does he say he sees it?

That if I would just see that he is right and I am wrong then we could get on with life. And that would make me a good little girl.

Not sure, exactly, how he sees any of that

We had a fight in CA the day I dropped. It was about food. We had gotten his blood sugars normalized consistently for about a year. He was on a clean diet. He was playing tennis every day and squash and pickleball. And for the two weeks I had been there was eating pizza and burgers and shit that was going to shoot his sugars up. I didn't insist that he not do that but did say that he needed to go to a doctor to see what it was doing to his sugar levels. Similar in an eerie way to what is happening now. As he raised his voice and got pissed about it - in the middle of that - I dropped to the floor. That was a Monday. On the Thursday I was on a flight home.

This is serious stuff and we are both triggered up here. He has made reference that this is 'just like CA'. And he is right. We are both running programs here. Difference is I can see that - finally.

is this an external or an internal emergency

Both. He and I both have some serious attachment issues. This could blow up on a dime. Which it has to a degree, but even moreso. I need to do what I have to do with purpose and with this rogue part in mind. I don't want this repeating anymore. She needs to see how to do this without harming us.

not that want you dead, just the actions could lead to unsafety.

Yes, thank you for that gentle reminder Junebug. Words are important.

I think it is about wanting to be out of pain, out of turmoil, out of chaos etc. and have peace, comfort, and rest.

Yes, I believe this Lionheart. Thank you for this reminder. And that gives me hope that I can retrain this 'part' to understand that there is a different way to keep us all safe. Thank you for weighing in. I appreciate your presence.

 

[scout86]

Might I say that you're doing great? Seriously. This is WAY better than last time and I think you're learning tons. If it was me, I'd let myself shift gears and go with "curiosity" about what his actual problem is. I'm not sure that's really your thing. Also not sure it's really worth it. Keep doing what you're doing! But some part of this situation is his reaction to your situation. It doesn't sound like he can see that and it would probably take WAY more energy than you have to spare to try to work on it now. Hang in there.

 

[scout86]

I've been thinking about this some more. First, take this with at least a grain of salt. My own issues are such that I have an almost phobic reaction to having to depend on anyone, for anything. According to my T, that's a problem, sort of. So, MY feelings about the subject are way out on one end of the curve and aren't necessarily a role model anyone wants.

But, you ARE very much alone in the world. Not totally alone, and there's nothing wrong with being alone, but it's a fact that you're a bit challenged in the "who's got my back department?" I'm going to suggest that you might use this as an opportunity to deal with that. You CAN, I'm 100% sure. There are all kinds of ways of moving through this world independently. This might be a good time to come up with some sort of general plan. You've already kind of been checking out your options and taking inventory of your assets. Keep working on that.

I guess, once in awhile, a person can run across someone who's 100% healthy about totally willing, of their own free will, who will take you in and nurture you while you sort through stuff and get back on your feet. That's not something I'd want to have to depend on. I think you might be at ap place where it would be appropriate to come up with a plan for your own independence. This is a good time because it's an issue, but not a crisis. You have time to come up with a good, workable plan. Along the way, you'll be showing that "part" that you're paying attention and on top of this. No need to panic, you've actually got things in mind.

 

[Tinyflame]

his expression of disdain for my situation.

That's different than disdain for, or of, 'you'.

I wonder if it's possible for people to 'get it'? Very hard to explain how 'over'/ past just doesn't compute.

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I'm sorry. I haven't meant to drop off. Weather here is high winds (up to 90K I hear). Has me in deep space nine with the occasional cognizant spell. I don't have any words right now, and don't seem to be hijacked by the same part. This one seems older. But am safe.

Just wanted to touch base as well as I can. I have been shifting gears to get a grip on what this part is about - but feel that the young hijacker who runs is at ease right now.

 

[Powder]

@shimmerz

Sometimes all it takes is the imagination to bring all my parts in for a group hug. Just a non-verbal image to convey mutual protection and commitment. I don't know if it works. On some level this simple stuff works for me sometimes.

Like your little curl up and freeze girl, I have a little girl that carried the biggest knife in the butcher block. I remember actually being her, though. Not DID, but a memory of myself that got separated from me. She wanted to use it to defend herself against Dad. She thought about ending her pain with it but didn't have the courage to do that. I have seen her in bad dreams. She's done being abused and ready to take lethal action. This memory got dissociated, along with the emotions and memories of the trauma. When I experience this part now, I see myself at that age.

After I have flashbacks to the worst (near death) traumas, she comes forward and blends into my sense of myself. It's like a part trying to integrate? She lets me know their is always a knife in the kitchen and I don't have to continue to take this. She does want to die to end the pain. Yes, as said above, that is the only thought that occurred then as the only way to ensure escape.

The sense of her lasts for about a half hour post flashback, and I dismiss this by grounding and reminding myself that I have kids to think of and I can fight this now. (I use Pete Walker's steps and drinking cold water and talking).

There were several occasions when I remember going to the kitchen and getting this knife for protection from real or perceived dangers. I would put my little siblings in the corner and stand the ground between them and the dark, during power outages when we were left home alone, and dare any of the abusers to try to come and get us. I was ready to fight to the death.

When I see a graveyard, my reaction has always been to feel they have a peace I long for there, sleeping in the ground, where nobody can hurt them.

I agree with Lionheart's T. There has always been a part of me that has a death wish. I accept it and know that I will have this for the rest of my life.

 

[shimmerz]

Sometimes all it takes is the imagination to bring all my parts in for a group hug.

Very good idea. I hadn't thought of this Muse, thank you.

It's like a part trying to integrate?

Yes, this is what this process these past few days has felt like. But I think it has been that way because I am learning to own this part's actions and have learned strategies along the way to help her know that she is not alone. I think it is a very important distinction that it is safety she is looking for, not death. Focusing on her wanting death just drives more of a wedge of fear between her and I and causes a halt in the integration process. She needs an older and wiser one who is willing to see alternatives to her idea of what safe is.

I was ready to fight to the death.

Yes, and I was always ready to run to my death for the freedom from abuse. I think I have been so focused on how to protect myself from abuse that I have forgotten how to live. Perhaps I can work on that. I am tired of envying those who have died.

I am very sorry for your struggles dear Muse. May we both find peace long before we die.

That's different than disdain for, or of, 'you'.

This is such an important distinction. Thank you for this Junebug. It isn't personal.

I am tired of being told all of this is 'my choice'. I also understand that this comes from a place of ignorance - and I thank god for him that he has not experienced this. I don't wish this on anyone.

My own issues are such that I have an almost phobic reaction to having to depend on anyone, for anything.

lol. This was SO me! Until I was forced to rely on others. I think I have a deep seated contempt for myself for allowing me to be in this position.

This might be a good time to come up with some sort of general plan. You've already kind of been checking out your options and taking inventory of your assets. Keep working on that.

Yes, and I think this was something that I had to face. Alone. Completely alone in this world. Do I have enough integrative skills to keep my fearful ones under control? Can I speak to them and action on things to say that 'I have this. Maybe not the ultimate answer to it, but I am willing to face it, to hear your fears, but it will be ME making the decision as to how to deal with this. ME is this new SELF that I am creating. And self annihilation is not an option.' Just like I raised my kids. Some things they just needed to know that I 'had' and that they needed to trust that I had.

I think you might be at ap place where it would be appropriate to come up with a plan for your own independence. This is a good time because it's an issue, but not a crisis.

Yes, and that is what I have been doing. And with an abuser and with me being all dissociative and in denial - this never works out well. That is my experience anyway. Chaos, feeling blindsided (even though the red flags were literally slapping me in the face) and making decisions when all screwed up. This time around I have been making decisions in a non dissociative state and literally asking this part that reacts so dangerously to just sit back for a bit while I come up with some new strategies.

Seriously, it is like working with an entirely different brain. This dissociative stuff is horribly disadvantageous.

curiosity

Thanks so much for the reminder about this word. Curiosity is a really great word that doesn't come easily to me, but the value of it when I do recall it is tremendous. It takes the panic/chaos/anxiety out of it all.

I am not certain what is going to happen in this situation. Like you said I have parts spinning all over the place, but the thing is that right now I am really establishing who I want to be in this. And I was really messed up and lost about this before. I expect because it is really difficult to figure out what you want/need until issues start to arise. Tht is character building as I recall. And that is what I feel I am doing right now.

Whether I end up in a shelter or not, these have been my choices. Not because I have nowhere else to go but because I have determined that in the moment - I have weighed the options and determined what I can and can not live with and chose to blaze my own path. Not for my children, not for my husband. Not for my dog nor my cat - but for me.

Wish me luck willya?

 

[scout86]

Wish me luck willya?

Much luck! But you seem to be doing a good job.

Remember, where ever you end up, a shelter or anywhere else, it's a stopping off point. It's not the end of the road, any road, until it really IS the end of the road. A shelter is just that, a roof over your head while you prepare for the next evolution.

One more thought on the 'parts' thing. What @Muse said reminded me of something my T likes to talk about. (Something that ALWAYS makes me roll my eyes.) He advocated 'parts parties'. Stage a gathering and see who (or what?) shows up. Have a 'group discussion' about things. He just recommends that YOU be in charge. Beats me.......

 

[shimmerz]

He advocated 'parts parties'. Stage a gathering and see who (or what?) shows up.

Yeah, no, not there yet. I think although I call these states 'parts' I do believe they are states. Trying to bring a bunch of them together at one time just seems confusing to me. I know it goes against the common perception of how to deal with them - but at this point I am trying to identify how to identify when they come up (or anticipate even) and attempt to work with these states (or parts) one on one.

Sometimes the states (parts) trigger another part as the one is eased (my perception). The thing is though, I don't want to take the chance that I am overrun by 50 parts at a time because I called them up. I do however, like the idea of a group hug. Parties? I would hate it if a few of them were drinkers or druggies. Why look for trouble?

For now, getting myself out of that freaking room is good enough for me. :hug: Mission accomplished.

 

[sun seeker]

Do I have enough integrative skills to keep my fearful ones under control? Can I speak to them and action on things to say that 'I have this. Maybe not the ultimate answer to it, but I am willing to face it, to hear your fears, but it will be ME making the decision as to how to deal with this. ME is this new SELF that I am creating. And self annihilation is not an option.'

Do you know what is making it possible for you to do this? As far as I know you have known this on some level for a long time but never been able to put it into practice when you need it most. It's wonderful to see this progress. I'm just curious where it's coming from. Any ideas?

 

[shimmerz]

Any ideas?

Yes. Things changed drastically when I went through the 'annihilation' experience. My biggest fear was that I had this 'program(s)' that was going to have me go insane. Which actually, I think I do.did have. So it made me afraid of these 'parts'.

Which one was it? Don't let it out for GODS sake. Better to die, so let the 'I just want to die' part out. But run like crazy from the one that was going to blow my psyche to shit. I could feel it come out, I said for some time, at nighttime between asleep and awake. I was terrified of it. So I think I used all sorts of defense mechanisms (parts) to push it down.

I went through what I can only describe as a plunge into the deepest bowels of hell for over a week. And then I improved somehow. And then this came up. This was a huge test. And I went through the motions and talked myself through my deepest fear for real (not just theoretically). Call shelter. Go to shelter. Figure out money or lack thereof, Be completely alone in it. Arrange everything. Leave all material goods behind. Walk the 10 hours there if I had to. Picture myself sitting in the corner for the rest of my life at the hands of people abusing me, not caring at all about me, not understanding me. Picturing myself completely insane. That was this past week. Really feel deep in my soul that my life was and never had been worth nothing. And sit with it. Not run with it (for once).

I thought about suicide. Nope. I figured out a suicide plan. Nope. None of that got the response that my going absolutely crazy and losing all sense of myself did. It was absolutely freaking downright terrifying beyond words.

Today I am good. Tomorrow? Who the hell knows. But today is good.

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds terrifying. On the other hand, it seems like it's working. I wish there were an easier way.