Perfectionism

[ILoveLife]

When did you decide that your happiness and their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on you being perfect?

I didn't decide this. I've internalized it.
It's been with me since I was a kid, so it wasn't really a conscious adult choice.

 

[MyWillow]

Damn I can relate @Sietz

My homework is no expectations, rest and safety. As reflected back to me by my psydoc. That’s as far as I’ve got. Plus reflect, review and re-focus.

I am so hard on myself. A few people I have confided in of late (with the “lite” version) are stunned I’ve been really struggling the last few years. I thought I was presenting as a walking disaster. They thought I was a high achiever, confident, happy, resilient, a rock....

 

[ILoveLife]

no expectations, rest and safety.

I SO need to work on this - perfection goals :P

I am so hard on myself. A few people I have confided in of late (with the “lite” version) are stunned I’ve been really struggling the last few years. I thought I was presenting as a walking disaster. They thought I was a high achiever, confident, happy, resilient, a rock....

Same. Even here people tell me I'm doing great, and I'm like "I'm really not, I've processed a lot of shit but I'm really not handling life after trauma well" But I guess I am, and my goggles don't allow me to see it yet. I dunno. Confusing shit, and maybe that's why I'm dealing with this particular topic now.

 

[MyWillow]

Same. Even here people tell me I'm doing great, and I'm like "I'm really not, I've processed a lot of shit but I'm really not handling life after trauma well" But I guess I am, and my goggles don't allow me to see it yet. I dunno.

I think there’s two sides to this. It’s how much energy we put in to APPEARING to be ok. I’ve only just realised how utterly exhausting that is. I’m on 5 weeks personal leave from work and it’s kinda bizarre to not have to be the perfectly functional senior exec tomorrow - I’ve spent 3 days recovering after being triggered during my psydoc session. So yes of course sometimes we are doing better than we think we are but at other times we are pouring our energy into making it appear as though we are. Am I making sense?

 

[ILoveLife]

You are making sense.

If I'm to be honest with myself, I don't think I'm doing well at all, but in fact am, considering how I was six months ago. So in that sense, everything is going well.
But if I'm also to be honest with myself, I thought I was going to do better before than I actually am right now, emotionally at least, and it seems like things aren't going in my favor which makes it seem a lot harder than it has to be, to which I deal with sense of humor and the "just do it" attitude, that theeeen makes me collapse into panic attacks :meh:

So yeah, double edged sword.

 

[MyWillow]

Some more thoughts that you may or may not relate to:

Critical parent = never enough -> perfectionism

Neglectful parent = try harder to be noticed -> perfectionism

Violent parent = keep everyone happy -> perfectionism

Abusive parent = dissociation/avoidance -> perfectionism

 

[ILoveLife]

Ugh, all of the above. Do I win a prize? :)

 

[MyWillow]

So I wonder if the key is what my psydoc always reminds me...and this is often after I’ve dissociated or had a flashback or it’s morphed into a panic attack: wrap your arms around yourself, reassure your body that you are listening, you are learning the body’s story and memory, you are safe and you acknowledge the amazing job it’s done getting you this far.

Because words like self-care and compassion I find overwhelming. But we literally practice doing the above before I leave the room.

 

[MyWillow]

Ugh, all of the above. Do I win a prize? :)

You get to come sit with me on my deck in the sunshine with all my dogs and cats. Peas in a pod ;)

 

[ILoveLife]

My idea of self-care today, is being drugged on a benzo taking a dissociated bubble bath. :P Not the healthiest of choices.

I also have the "Don't appear crazy" thing constantly, so I'm not to hug myself or else ... I don't even know what's the consequence of doing that alone when nobody's watching. What will my brain come up with? :)

I'll try though, thanks for the tip.

Oh, deck sitting with MyWillow in the sunshine would be awesome :D Consider me there in a minute.

 

[ladee]

@Sietz, you mentioned the word 'scapegoat', and @MyWillow made a list of things we must do perfect. I was the scapegoat of my family. Could you narrow it down to 'scapegoat'?
I know that made it more simple to tackle the feelings and expectations of my family? Just a suggestion.

 

[MyWillow]

It does feel crazy at first. It helps that my psydoc demonstrates it regularly. Most of the time I don’t do it there but she never gives up. I did last session. I was a triggered, shaking mess.

Try it in little bits. She asks me to think about how I would stroke my dogs and cats and to just try that. She has been encouraging me for 6 months. And I’m only just getting comfortable with it.

Oh, deck sitting with MyWillow in the sunshine would be awesome :D Consider me there in a minute.

It’s quiet - except when the dogs bark or play - the gum trees you can nearly touch, you can watch the kitties curled up in their enclosure and you can watch the potted herbs and flowers and fruit trees grow :)