Perfectionism

[ILoveLife]

it's just so much harder than it has to be, not being heard.

I wonder if this a particular battle I fight in but shouldn't?
Like, they make it appear that they're perfect, so in that narrative I would be heard. But they're not perfect, so in that honest narrative I'm not heard.
So, in trying to "work through the issues" like I do so adamantly, I'm setting myself up for this:

I'm sorry you don't have a safe place to heal. At least right now.

Because it won't ever be safe while they are so keen on appearing perfect without actually doing the work to heal from the past.

So, this "right now" could actually be right now, if I let go of the confrontation and working on issues with them, and focus on myself - which is who I should really be focusing on anyway.

That way, they can throw all the tantrums they want, I'll still put myself first - and to fit their perfect narrative, they have to respect that eventually.

Work their game in my favor.

 

[ILoveLife]

You Dont participate in it, yet being a part of it also.. acknowledging your own process, and leaving the rest to others.

Yes, you edited to add this and I spoke about the same thing above.

Doing things for me instead of for them should solve this issue internally, easier said then done, lots of core beliefs to chip out of, but it is possible.

I like burning pieces of paper as rituals. It always frees me from something. Might help!

 

[MyWillow]

@Sietz I have had to accept that my family will simply not do what is needed to be healthy. For years I’ve been told to “get over it”. I didn’t even realise the extent of shit I had to get over.

I tried talking to my mum - who means well but is weak and has ultimately not protected me - and that actually triggered a full on visual flashback. Which I don’t have an actual memory of but pretty much says her behaviour hasn’t changed in 35 years. When I finally identified the emotional fallout from the flashback I realised it had happened dozens of time and I just wasn’t self-aware enough. It happened with my psychologist too but I dissociated through it. This shit is just so very draining. And it’s REAL.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yes, for sure @MyWillow. It is draining.

 

[ladee]

You have your own answer!!! If someone is always going to be making you 'bad and wrong', in their world, just keep doing what you've been doing and whether they 'get it' or not, you are moving forward.

Sometimes, when people in real life , let me know I'm not meeting thier standards, I just look at them. I don't engage. But, it's taken a lot of practice to do that. I eventually get to walk away from the whole mess... but I know that's not doable for you right now.. so just keep working on you. THEY are not going to change. They have no reason to , why should they.

None of this is easy as you well know, so pick what is best for you. I'm just hearing all my haters as noise in the background now a days. Took awhile to get into that mindset, but it's working. Take care of you!!

 

[ILoveLife]

whether they 'get it' or not, you are moving forward.

intellectually, it's what I'm doing.
emotionally, since I don't get their validation, it's horrible, feels like I'm the worst person on the planet.

Lots of things to work on were brought up on this thread, and I haven't even had breakfast yet! So I'm going to take care of myself now, shower and breakfast :D

 

[Rani G2]

let me know I'm not meeting thier standards, I just look at them. I don't engage. But, it's taken a lot of practice to do tha

It is @ladee. Thats my Goal. Very hard and painful. One Day I will be there. When this tiny voice says " hah say something, be loud" thats hard as f*

 

[intothelight]

Since then, everything I do *is already perfect* and the demands are that *I'm to excell at everything* so that I still fit the family's narrative of appearance of perfection, so in that way, no matter what happens to me, I'll always do it perfectly.

I think there has to be a move from focusing on the external to focusing on the internal. Don't live by outside expectations and validation, but by your own internal. True change comes from within and changes based on the external is just adaptation. Nothing wrong with adapting, until is interferes with who you are or are trying to be.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you @intothelight, you're absolutely right.

 

[RussellSue]

I'm doomed!!!! This is not an apocalyptic post, that would be not perfect.

@Sophy caught a huge problem in my diary - something I've been avoiding discussing here, because you're all so insightful and that scares me when the issue is serious :bag:

So, basically I'm to be perfect.
The dysfunction is so big that I'll be perfect if I fail, and I'll be perfect if I don't fail.

I was such a huge failure that the people around me just assumed "Well, let's just assume she's the perfect chaos and think of her as perfect as a mess and as perfect as not a mess".

This seems supportive, but it's not.
On the "perfect mess" side is failure to finish school, not being able to work on Excell (I've heard this one, not making it up), and particularly I suppose the perfect mental breakdown. I'm even the perfect schizophrenic patient - even though I don't have schizophrenia! So, now I'm the perfect mental health patient (docs have said this to me).

On the perfect other side, there's ability to thrive despite all odds.
So I feel like failing on purpose, but that would be stupid for me and my future, so I thrive against all odds :banghead:

How to let go of this?
Oh my god, I feel so perfect :meh:

Can I just assume the answer is acceptance and deal with the issue at hand in other ways? If I hear I'll have to perfectly accept myself, with all my perfect flaws, I swear I'll scream and you'll hear me in the US.

Thanks and sorry.

My husband has such a serious problem with perfectionism, he got a job putting together the school yearbook and turned it in about 1 year late, BUT it did not have a single mistake. He still has the job and the next year he was only about 6 months late turning that book in. I don't expect the current book to make it to the printer on time, but he's improving.

Perfectionism is hard. I have my own problems with it, but feel better pointing at my husband.

I'm all about burning off excess energy. I think the more I exercise, the less apt I am to obsess on perfecting my writing. I used to go back over social media postings and forum posts until I was sure my grammar and punctuation were flawless. Now, not so much. My understanding is that my perfectionism is an outward manifestation of anxiety, so when my anxiety is lower, I'm not as big a perfectionist. And honestly, so far, exercise and lifestyle modification have been my best stabs at decreasing anxiety. One thing I do to curb obsessive thoughts/worry is like 3-5 minutes of intense cardio. It helps a LOT. Granted, I always have to be careful about exercise before writing/reading because the adrenaline tends to screw up my ability to focus. Outside of that, it's a super tool even in short spurts.