Please Help, Realizing That Relationships Are Too Needy And Stressful

[Jane.l]

I do like quotes - just read this and it made me think of this thread .

'Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do'

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts and your own judgement. Do not sacrifiece yourself anymore for anyone. Learn how to say yes to yourself and no to others. It takes a lot of practice and I practice this but still suffer some setbacks, but I get back on the horse and learn from my mistakes. You are so worth fighting for. Good luck.

 

[maryiscontrary]

You guys are awesome. These are just great thought.
Hey you will like this! The pastor called me a LIAR. Total exposed NARC, 100%, by the book. I prolly need to move.These people are not safe. I told him I had PTSD and was in no position to car take. You know what bag-of-dicks said? "sorry for your issues."

These are epic douchebags. And I see it, and I don't give a damn if establishing boundaries pisses them off.

 

[Justmehere]

I know this sounds weird, but something must be changing if they are mad at you. Usually when someone starts setting boundaries, people get mad and push back! Hang in there - you are taking good steps! Keep in mind that sometimes the best way to help people is to say no. Also, I would suggest reading anything you can on co-dependency. It helped me learn how to withstand some of the nonsense like what you are experiencing. Ugh. People sometimes... Keep rising above the dumb things they are doing.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks for your really insightful thoughts. Yes, I have totally devoured the topic of codependency. It is a deep topic. Basically is it just reparenting, what is appropriate accept in relationships and what is not, and acting upon it. I feel good about this.

 

[bell]

I'm going to have the unpopular opinion here, but I've been thinking about this post for the past few days and would like to mention a few things:

1. Sometimes when everyone else but ourselves seems crazy or a jerk or a narc or whatever, then we need to look inside ourselves instead of blaming externally. Are there cases when EVERYONE is a jerk? Yes, but they are both excessively few and far between and excessively unlikely. Chances are high we are attracting the assholes with our own behavior. Does this mean that we are bad people? Heck no! It means that we have likely employed maladaptive coping skills and need to try changing them to ones that are more positive.

2. As far as knowing who is good and knowing who is bad, I'm not an expert, but I know that if someone is being nice and not simultaneously gaining something, chances are high that they LIKE me. (Which sometimes seems shocking!) And once I establish this fact, I turn to how I feel inside, which is normally somewhat confused, but also pretty darn good. Therefore, I can start to see how it feels to have both my body and mind in agreement and feeling good. Small steps? Yes. But sometimes taking a step back from people who only gain from being nice to you can help you recalibrate on several levels. This can be an important step in self care.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Bell,these are more priceless gems. I am an Aspie, a archetypal geek, a person on the high end autism spectrum. I am also conscientious and very responsible. I think I give an air of naivety to these assholes. That is probably the behavior. Don't get me wrong, I am setting boundaries left and right, but when you are around desperate, needy people (like retired people in a foreign country who are mostly economic refugees), they can get real aggressive and VERY entitled.

I will be moving to a total Ecuadorian neighborhood where there are people my age, who have their shit together. The expat community is mostly a very needy and vulnerable elderly population who didn't plans thing out, and things are not ending very well for them.

And with your point in #2, this is so spot on rich. Yes, totally examine what one's feeling and body states are. Like I said before, I just don't always pick up on people's intentions, this is the shitty part of being on the autism spectrum. But what I am picking up is that there are a lot of desperate people who go to desperate measures. And although I do what I can to try to eliminate suffering, a lot of this is self imposed desperation from people who have very childish expectations.

My feeling states is that most people are dangerous and out to try to get something from me. I realize this is the autonomic Flight or Flight adrenaline nervous system talking.

 

[Go Hungry]

1. Sometimes when everyone else but ourselves seems crazy or a jerk or a narc or whatever, then we need to look inside ourselves instead of blaming externally. Are there cases when EVERYONE is a jerk? Yes, but they are both excessively few and far between and excessively unlikely. Chances are high we are attracting the assholes with our own behavior. Does this mean that we are bad people? Heck no! It means that we have likely employed maladaptive coping skills and need to try changing them to ones that are more positive.

I can agree with this one. At first I thought I would disagree, but then I considered it more. I know that in my case I attracted crappy people almost on purpose, because I felt that; as a former victim myself, it was my place (and responsibility) to aide those in need. I recognize now that it was simply a manifestation of my own co-dependence, as I was seeking to boost my self-esteem by helping others. It was false altruism, though you couldn't have convinced me of that at the time.

Seeking out damaged people to assist in such a selfish manner was disastrous to me, and led directly to my second great trauma. It's a shit deal because you 'think' you're being such a great guy by helping people, when in fact you're enabling their bad behaviour at the cost of your own well-being. It also led me to the personal maxim of 'betray your parasites' which is a horrible attitude to take toward interpersonal relationships.

Damn I'm glad I gave up Nihilism...:)

 

[maryiscontrary]

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Thanks Go Hungry. Bullseye.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Not saying no.

It works, it works synergistically, when both people are putting the other one firs...

I really like your response in that it points out the importance of relationships being give and take. I have also been in situations where someone you care about is having a hard time and as soon as you begin extending yourself to "help" them, you realize they are becoming more and more depended on the assistance and there's an element of exploitation and manipulation at work. I have found after being traumatized, I'm more sensitive and feel things deeper than I may have in the past. Unfortunately, some people prey on this and it sucks. I try hard to maintain good boundaries though there are times I become aware of them shifting. It's sometimes hard to find that balance.