Ptsd And Religion/ Spirituality

[Deleted member 12723]

Addy people have free will. They are the ones who do evil to others. i understand about praying as a child for escape from the abuse. It is a heartbreaking thing. I am sorry that nothing gets better for you. I believe you will get better. You still need alot of healing. My heart goes out to you. I am sorry your prayers are not getting answered. That is a heartbreaker too. It is so hard when I am desperately needy and life goes on the same day after day. I hope you will find peace and harmony. Whethor or not you have faith is up to you. I think it is good to talk about it. It helps to get it all out. I wish you the best. I hope it works out for you.

 

[anonymous]

Manipulating my spirituality and my behavior (based on following my family's religion) was part of my traumas.

My beliefs have evolved. They began with some very scary magical thinking whereby Jesus and Satan were struggling for power and using humans to fight their war. Whoever got the most souls wins... and Jesus was losing ground. I had chosen Jesus' side, my abuser openly celebrated that he had chosen the opposite side and he fed the belief with lies, manipulation and abuse... all of which he said "Satan told me I could do that" or "Satan said I had to do that", etc.

As an adult, I read "Conversations with God" and decided that God doesn't concern himself with any other injury than an injury to one's soul. All other injuries are superficial, because none of them will cause a person to be lost to Him forever... He will get his children back when they pass on to Heaven and then he will comfort them.

I also believed, thanks to Oprah, that there were Angels among us and miracles all around us in our daily lives. All I had to do was open my mind up to them... believe in them... and then, I would understand how miraculous so many things are in life.

I, unfortunately, can give real life examples of miracles in my daily life. This adds to my fears and my resentments.

For one thing, it is impossible to argue with someone that coincidence is not a miracle. During one semester, every day on a busy college campus, I was able to get a parking space in the tiny lot across the street from my classroom building. It began on the day after I'd been re-traumatized by my classmates and teacher, and I was sick (with PTSD, but unaware of it). I was suicidal. I was praying for intervention. I was late for class... er... I would be if there hadn't been a parking space in the most unlikely of parking lots. I thought when I pulled in, "Okay! (Giving in to that part of me that wanted to blow off class) If there's no place to park here, then I'll go home."

Miracle?

I could go on with these kinds of moments in time, where in desperation I searched for meaning and found what I was looking for.

Today, I comfort myself in my belief that there are NO magical, mystical, powerful beings. I take great comfort in this, probably because I was so afraid that Satan had sent all those rapists/predators into my path because I had challenged him when I was a child. I had fought against him, openly, struggling against my abuser. I prided myself on my faith in Jesus... but when I was asked if I believe in Him, I often expressed my doubts. I was not the perfect follower, although I often followed on blind faith especially when my core beliefs were triggered. I would follow blindly, knowing I was walking into a trap. At times, I believed I was meant to walk into the trap, in order to create some winning strategy in the war - this was mainly when I was a child.

When I decided not to believe in God, it was because I had a core belief that if God existed then so did Satan, and vice versa. My greatest act of defiance against Satan was to refuse to believe in him. That lasted about 30 seconds, until my core belief was engaged and flipped... if Satan didn't really exist, then how could I believe God did? My answers came quickly and assuredly. I felt them to be real. I couldn't believe in God anymore either. I realized that if I could reject a belief in Satan and survive it, then I could also reject God and survive it. Suddenly, a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders!

No longer did I have to figure out if I was doing what God meant me to do! I don't have to worry that I've broken any of God's commandments or Jesus' teachings. I didn't have to be like Jesus anymore... and people STILL had to protect my rights under the laws of our country. I felt SO free! It was the first time that my mind opened up the cage I'd been locked in since childhood. Honestly, I saw myself, my family, my future with a clarity that I had never before had.

I began to understand when religion was manipulating people. I could see them tugging on heart strings, pushing fear buttons, creating hope out of nothing at all... false hope. Hope that had consequences if you didn't trust it. I recognized so many Christians who were complete hypocrites! I was no longer confused when these manipulations were used against me. I felt GROUNDED. Real. And... a little embarrassed that I had believed in a children's fairy tale for so long.

That brings me to another image... the movie "The Polar Express". It has all the manipulations in it to make children believe in Santa, that are also used to make people believe in God. It's like a road map. These are the manipulations which work on humans. This is what humans want to believe. Give them this, and they will trade it for their own safety, their own sanity, their own free will. Behave for your parents, and Santa will bring you gifts. Follow the bible's teachings, and you will be rewarded in Heaven.

I think the world would be a better place without all this BS. We could discuss how to behave in civilized society, what to expect of ourselves and others. We could make our laws based on that, instead of being afraid of Sodom and Gomorra or of going to hell. Fear is a great motivator, but not if you want people to think for themselves and contribute their best solutions to all their problems. Fear is used by those who want sheep-followers to give them power over others. Decision made out of fear are irrational and often handed to us by those who made us afraid. Great tactic for predators.

I like my healthy skepticism. I think it keeps me safe in THIS life. To any who wonder what I will do if I die and go to Hell... I say, how do you feel about being a docile easy target through this whole life, creating your own living hell, and is it worth it if you die and become completely unaware that you didn't go to Heaven or Hell? What about all the religious wars, Jihad, and Israel fighting for land that "God" gave them but that they went and took from others... completely disregarding how their actions would create social unrest.

If I'm going to live in the moment, then I'm not going to plan for life after death. And, the grounded, rational, logical reasoning that flashes through my mind when I'm being manipulated by anyone, regardless of topic, has been worth rejecting these beliefs that my abusers taught me. I am no longer as gullible as I once was, and that makes a huge difference in my daily life. I don't need to desperately look for signs or miracles anymore. I don't need God to save me. I can see a manipulator coming a mile away, and step aside easily allowing him to drift past me and find an easier target.

 

[Hashi]

...If they are human, than only a very cruel cruel god could have created, and given them all the normal human desire for love and human connection, but made them completely incapable of feeling such love? That sounds like hell. How could I fit such people into a world view that incorporated a benevolent higher power? Were they reincarnated? Did they do horrible things in their past life? Well that doesnt make any sense because they still had no choice in their character or brain chemistry.

This touches on my biggest problem with the idea of a benevolent God. If some being created the world we're in, then they created it the way it is in entirety. Yes, we have free will, but why create the world with temptation, problems, pain, free will and the ability to do enormous harm to each other? It's all part of the whole creation. I think choice is a better word than free will anyway, more specifically some choice. In the same way that someone about to be attacked by a lion has some choices - run, play dead, fight etc. But they don't have free will.

At the same time, I think clearly there's something going on that's much bigger than us. I see it all the time.

This doesn't lead me to think there's a malevolent God (well, sometimes... I do sometimes think about the ancient Greeks' idea that the Gods amused themselves by playing games with humans). But I don't think this really.

I have to think in terms of metaphysics rather than religion. That there are natural laws in the universe that govern our lives. That there are energies we can align ourselves to that are good, benevolent and beautiful, but there are also those that are unhelpful or dark.

I just can't make life fit with the idea of some sort of being who's in charge of it all. For me it fits better with the idea of complex, powerful forces like gravity, which are simply there. I don't think our choices are being recorded in some sort of heavenly ledger but are more impersonal, moving us nearer to or farther from our potential for love, compassion and healing, like steering a ship in line with the wind, tides and currents or against them.

I still don't understand it, but I don't think it's something we can understand however we see it - as religion, metaphysics or any belief system.

 

[Legend]

I believe in God, plain and simple. I don't get caught up in the arguments out there, and I believe that everyone has a choice to believe or not. I by definition am a Christian and Babtist, I have seen up close and personal what I believe is Gods hand at work. I have never tried to convince anyone that God can be proven real or not, blind faith is what I choose which is pure faith in a material world. I have never blamed God for my troubles, nor cursed Him because of them.My life is of my own making along with circumstances beyond my control.

I think the challenges of this world are like bootcamp so to speak,we are being prepared for our future in the next life. I don't try and complicate Church with cherry picking what I like or dont like about it, I go for Corprate worship and fellowship period. I have nothing against nonbelievers or different religions at all, like I said it's their choice. I find that talking to my Pastor helps me at times, however there are things that are beyond his understanding ( he is only human after all ) but I do find that most of my questions are in some form answered in the Bible.

My PTSD has nothing to do with God or what I believe about Religion, Yes I count on God for strength, not just for PTSD, but for all things. This place in time that all mankind has to endure is broken, God could fix everything, wars, hunger, illness,etc. I have heard people say "well if there is a loving God why hasent he done something about all this pain and suffering" The better question is what have you done about it?

 

[zbztster]

I have learned that one important tactic in overcoming anxiety related to severe PTSD is positive affirmation. "I am strong," "I am loved," "I am a survivor," "I am well," etc. This can be difficult for me when my world is drifting in the sea of corruption that we live in. Our world is corrupt! It is that corruption which has touched so many of us. For me to rise above it I have to believe in something higher than, greater than the corruption. As I cast my search for meaning towards a higher power, I can disassociate with the pain I have experienced and find joy and healing through a very quiet voice inside me that tells me "I am here." Because of my experiences I could never believe that this is all there is. We live, we laugh, we cry, we suffer and we die. I have seen far too much proof for the existence of a spiritual dimension. I know I will never understand all the mysteries of the universe, nor will I ever understand the reasons behind our abusive behaviors towards one another. What I do know is that when I can shutter out the negative reasonings and embrace a mindset that reaches out towards a loving God, One whom is reaching out towards me, not a religion, not a church, not other people, but a living, loving God, my fears and anxiety diminish in relation to a universal love which is revealed within my heart.

 

[zbztster]

I believe in love and light and blessings. One word I used once was brilliancy. It is beyond judgment and labels. The way I see it, religion sometimes uses labels and vocabulary that binds the knowledge to some specific culture or way of thinking. And then people identify with that and can use it for their own selfish reasons. That's why religion can be triggering for me too.

If I relate this discussion to PTSD, I would say that the trauma iniciates a kind of non-language. At least that is what happened to me, it causes this sort of rift between my own image of myself and my connection to God. So I often feel like I disconnected and have no culture. I guess healing from the trauma, also means healing that connection in a way that is full of love, and focused on self-care. I just don't know to how bridge the gap yet.

I love this post. It's like boiling down sap to make Maple Syrup. Brilliancy!

 

[Red Feather]

Brilliancy... Yeah its so beautiful and full of light. :)

 

[KatB]

My PTSD has nothing to do with God or what I believe about Religion, Yes I count on God for strength, not just for PTSD, but for all thing.. I have heard people say "well if there is a loving God why hasent he done something about all this pain and suffering" The better question is what have you done about it?

Wow. It's amazing how someone like you can have faith as strong as yours and still, not blame or get angry at God for it. I don't know how you do it. I used to have a faith that no matter what happened, God will always be there for me and that as long as I do what I am told, then I am following Christ to the T. I may not know if I will ever have the faith that you have, but I am at rest knowing that I have broken faith than none at all.

You come out very strong and for some, it may be intimidating or scary. But I agree with you 100%. My faith with God may not be a straightforward one, but I take the fight to the end with this ptsd.

 

[KatB]

I love this post. It's like boiling down sap to make Maple Syrup. Brilliancy!

I agree too!

 

[AS1975]

My grandmother went through a life that makes mine seem tame, she lived in Western QLD, the NT and Western NSW, and endured hell. I have seen enough that I now appreciate what she used to say (a saying picked up from returned soldiers from WWI), "if there is a god, he's a cruel bastard...!". Enough said, in relation to my experiences and religion.

 

[Legend]

Wow. It's amazing how someone like you can have faith as strong as yours and still, not blame or get angry at God for it.

My faith is experience based, which means that I have learned to believe this way by the things I have seen. I have never thought that God was responsible for the bad things that happen to me or anyone else. I do not pray for simple things, I pray for the impossible, the things that are completely out of my reach or ability to do. The experiences in my life have taken a toll on me in the form of PTSD, I understand that it is my responsibility to seek help and to ask God for strength to overcome it.

Gods thoughts are not our thoughts and in this life we can never expect to understand his purpose in allowing these bad things to happen to us. I have learned that we are not alone during these times of trouble or weakness; he is with me every step of the way. To tell the story of my life and how I reached this point is nothing compared to what Christ did for me. I am not a very good Christian at all; I am subject to the same pitfalls that haunt each of us. I am a broken man living in a broken world because of sin.

I was captured and held prisoner for 5 years, I will spare you the details as they can be very long and drawn out. I was held in a concrete box, I was drugged, I was beaten, I was electrocuted, about 2 years into it I was laying on the floor awake. It was around 11:00 pm and by my calculations it was Christmas Eve, I was at this point nothing more than an animal from my treatment. I had reached the end of what I could take as a human and just at that moment, at my weakest, I heard a voice. Whether on the outside or inside I did not know, but I knew the voice, it was God.

When I tell this people look at me like I have grown a second head, but it is true. I felt his touch, his hand upon me, he said ( hey I am still here and I love you ) at that moment I knew I was not alone. The gift that I received could not be bought or given in this world by anyone. That night I slept, a thing that was rare to me and my situation, the next morning I was still there, still a prisoner but not alone, God didn’t take me out of my situation but he walked with me through it. As hard as it is sometimes I still believe that he is walking next to me every moment of every day. Remember, having faith is all that’s commanded, not how much , but how strong, faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I am alive today because of it!

 

[AS1975]

Spirituality is different, there is an inner voice that can see, feel, and is a retreat. But I believe in no omnipotent god that can do anything, or if there is, he is answerable for the infliction of a terrible lot of evil, pain and suffering on the part of "dumb" animals. I'll not have a bar of him, then again, I do believe in the spiritual path of enlightenment as it were, but I don't believe it can be accessed or held-prisoner by any church. It is within all of us to do with what we will.