ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[Abstract]

MD, even quite late into recovery I had certain safety things I needed if I was eating around others. Like I needed my back against a wall. There is no doubt that my mind linked eating with threat.

There can be other reasons too though and I have had some of them. Such as feeling shame that you have given in and somehow feeling it makes you look vulnerable. That it feels terribly private and almost as if one is undressed.

I would be really careful about the girl at group. For the both of you. Maybe you could agree to not mention certain things to each other. I think the person at the higher weight is particularly vulnerable to being damaged by the interaction. You don't want to be where she is. It doesn't feel good and it is a slippery slope and you have quite enough to deal with already.

 

[maddog]

Thanks Abstract, you're right, and to be honest, other than the couple of interactions I eluded to above, things have been a bit more casual and hence safer between us lately. She actually has quite a high level of awareness, it seems, into the impact of her own issues on others and is careful not to really discuss food at all, or to draw attention to anything to do with it. Actually her boundaries in this regard are much much better than mine and I, on the other hand, have to work hard not to engage with her about it.

I think the eating in public thing for me is very much about having been shamed, tormented and humiliated when eating in front of others. The possibility of this happening again seems like an unbreakable certainty to me and the resulting anxiety is likely to make me fumble and spill my food anyway, only adding to my sense of self consciousness.

Sadly, this is a terrible terrible discouragement for me in terms of social interactions, as it seems impossible for human beings to get together without eating, and it can be very very difficult not to do so when everyone else is. It downright prevents me from meeting with people often, and I don't need any extra incentive to isolate.

Yet more collateral damage... it's everywhere.

Maddog

 

[CraftyCath]

as it seems impossible for human beings to get together without eating, and it can be very very difficult not to do so when everyone else is. It downright prevents me from meeting with people often, and I don't need any extra incentive to isolate.

MD, this is exactly how I feel and it truly distresses me. My sister-in-law recently tried to explain why my H and I were not invited to hers along with the rest of my H's family last Easter. She said it was because I had trouble eating and she was cooking a full meal for everyone. My other sis-in-law tends to do a buffet-type meal when I go down, then I can help myself. Unfortunately the other one thinks only of herself.

I said if she knew I had difficulties how cruel was she to exclude me and H just because of that. Would it of mattered if I had ate or not? It would to them as it would have been out of the normal and therefore they would have been uncomfortable.

Others who know me well either do something small for me, a buffet, a BBQ or just don't bat an eye lid if I don't eat at all. True friends don't care at all so long as I am there.

It does isolate. :(

 

[Abstract]

MD, I understand that feeling of certainty that eating in front of others will result in being derided or shamed or the instictive fear of something worse.

And I understand how that can result in spilling etc. There was period of time in my life where trying to get the fork from the plate and into my mouth was near impossible if others were around. The shaking was so bad. It also meant take a sip of a fluid was impossible whithout it leading to great embarrassment. Chewing felt loud and exposing too and I would be obsessed about what was on the plate.

I think one of the worst affects of food issues is the effects on socialisation. It is not until you have a problem that you realise how entwined they are.

Sadly though the more you give into it the worse it gets. I found it helped to start with things that were easier to eat. Something I could use my hands with was a bit more secure. Lots of affirmations before and after. Choosing my companion carefully. Small amounts of time. Picking the place.

Another good first step can be a picnic I found as I could pack it. Please feel free to totally ignore these. They are just what helped me.

I can see how your fathers reactions would resukt in these feelings.

There is no shame in eating and no normal person will shame you for it. It is a good and healthy part of living a healthy life. PTSD fears are hard arnen't they?

 

[Abstract]

i said if she knew I had difficulties how cruel was she to exclude me and H just because of that. Would it of mattered if I had ate or not?

I am so angry on you behalf. This is so cruel and ignorant. If they can't care enough to fix you something little then they can just ignore you and let you not eat. I know they don't understand why but it is still pretty harsh.

I am sorry too that trauma got caught up in eating. It can do so in so many ways.

 

[Raj]

To everyone here with eating issues great or small and to those who are scorned because of them I will add you to my personal prayer list! I am much overweight, ironically as a teen I felt very guilty about eating (I was given those guilt trips a lot by my mother).

Now I eat instead of abusing something else I abuse food! The more upset at myself I get or the more I feel emotional or physical pain the more I eat, some times up-to ten times a day. I exercise enough to stay in the low obese category, but I am still obese, for me that is really disturbing and I judge myself because of i, as I used to be a very good competitive mile runner!

 

[CraftyCath]

where trying to get the fork from the plate and into my mouth was near impossible if others were around. The shaking was so bad.

Until I joined this site I thought I was alone with this. I used to pick up the fork but it would feel very heavy in my hand and lifting it to my mouth took ages and made me shake and break out into a sweat. When I actually got foot to my mouth it was such an effort to chew and sometimes I just could not swallow it. When I did swallow it, it just wanted to come straight back up - my stomach was in knots.

Something I could use my hands with was a bit more secure.

Absolutely Abstract. I found I could nibble on a sandwich, keep some for later if I couldn't eat it all. It was about baby steps and for me, having a husband who understood (and who could eat for Britain) was really helpful.

When I met up with members of the Forum in Birmingham it was wonderful. No body batted an eye lid when I only ordered chips (fries); I doubt anyone even noticed! And the pick nick in York was wonderful as I could eat what I wanted when I wanted. I chose my food so I knew it would be OK. It was made even more special by the fact that the forum folk I was with were so wonderful to be with.

Now I make sure I am not feeling too anxious or vulnerable before I go out to eat. If I don't want it I don't have it and stuff those who look at me funny. I seen plates of food that I have ordered looking massive when in fact they are quite small. I usually chooses to eat out at lunchtime where I can choose a sandwich or a light meal.

It is funny that I usually have panic attacks but I now let them wash over me, breath through it and it soon settles. Those who aren't 'in the know' don't even notice!

I am so angry on you behalf.

Thank you Abstract. I get this a lot from those who don't understand or rather, choose not to. They just exclude me now which makes me even more isolated.

The more upset at myself I get or the more I feel emotional or physical pain the more I eat,

Hi Raj. This is as much a problem as not being able to eat. My sister is the complete opposite to me and is very overweight. If we went out together I would often feel sick just watching her.

I wish you luck with your difficulties and weight loss. :hug:

 

[maddog]

Oh I love you guys... thank you so so much.

Abstract, your suggestions are gold and are exactly the things I do try. Things that are easy to eat, non-messy and suitable for leftovers, such as sandwiches, are almost always my choice if I have one. Those who know me, and care, and try to understand, know this and plan accordingly. There are certain people I can eat near, but most I can't. Again, those who truly care try not to bring it up. I like it best when people behave normally around me, eating what and when and as they normally would, but without any question or comment to me about whether or not I will do likewise. That way, if I want to, I just say so and do, and if I don't, nobody says anything about it. Coffee, in the absence of food, is often my safe compromise, though even this can be impossible in certain company.

Eating difficulties can manifest in so so so many different ways, and our bodies, though humblingly resilient, always bear the same scars... they just look different on different people. Just yesterday one of the girls in our group, who is very overweight, was talking about how she sometimes struggles to eat a maximum of once every 2nd day. Sadly, I know that many around the table would have been silently surprised to hear that, as we all, so judgmentally, tend to assume that overweight people just eat a lot, and that's not always the case. But whether we eat a lot, hardly anything, or anything in between, it is the emotional scars that nobody else sees.

This really, really hurts right now. The fact that I am learning that I have developed a number of quite foreseeable but previously unknown medical conditions and deficiencies as a result of a lifetime of disordered eating, has shot this issue to agonising prominence for me again in the past week or two.

Maddog

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm one of those overweight people who does not eat a lot but know that people assume I do. If I could go without eating entirely, I would. The dietitian said I am starving my body and that my body is in starvation mode, never knowing when it is going to get it's next meal. She said that is why my body isn't letting go of the weight and my metabolism is messed up. I don't know. It's hard to wrap my head around.

I know how I think I look weight wise and what I really look like are two different things. Only because my husband and therapist have told me so.

I hate eating around others. I eat little or nothing at all, mostly because I think people will judge me...and, I guess, because I judge myself.

One day food will not be my enemy.

 

[CraftyCath]

I was weighed when I went to see the haematologist on Friday. I thought the scales would say 'one at a time please!' I am a little over weight, through lack of exercise, but they told me my BMI was within the normal range so I was very pleased.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

This is driving me crazy. I think about food too much. How often I can eat. How often I should eat. How much I should eat. How much I should let other people see me eat. I'm constantly scrutinizing my body. I'm frustrated that the scale is stuck. I feel bigger than I am. It's like I just can't get it through my head that my size is small. When I look at myself I might look a little smaller? Maybe? If I turn a certain angle? Weird eating habits. And making a silent list of safe foods. Limiting my calories to hover around deprivation. Never going above or even to my "normal" calorie intake. It's one of the most frustrating things. I feel so big. I feel like I look so much bigger than my clothes when they're on the bed and I'm looking at myself. This is maddening.

 

[CraftyCath]

I'm a bit like that BBR, I look in the mirror and think I'm huge.

I took my glasses off and looked at myself in the mirror and told my husband it made me look thin! He just looked at me, said 'bless you' and shook his head. i didn't know if he thought it was cute or if he was saying 'no, you're still fat!'

This is maddening.

Yes it most certainly is.