ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[maddog]

Oh MomOfTwo, I'm so sorry, your story resonated deeply with me and very much mirrors my own father's controlling abusive behaviour concerning food. And you're right, I'm not sure that you ever fully get over an ED or the toxic interconnectedness between shame and entitlement and eating.

I think that what you said about disconnecting from your body and learning not to feel hunger is a critical component to the disorder for me too. By learning not to feel my body's distress (and that included hunger, tiredness, physical pain etc), I learned not to need the things he withheld from me and used to torture me, and so in some small way learned to withstand the tortures he perpetrated in relation to these things. That desperate fight for control and integrity of your own body is one of the most heartbreaking struggles to confront and accept now, and which leaves such a long-lasting legacy of self punishment and deprivation.

I am just very very slowly beginning to explore this issue with my T, and it's devastating. As upsetting as it was to break down in front of your doctor about it, I'm proud of you for doing that, though deeply sorry that it sounds as though he didn't really understand. I'm not sure that anyone who hasn't been there ever truly does, but some people certainly make a better attempt at trying than others.

Thank you for your honesty too. The candidness and disclosure of others gives me so much courage to keep fighting, it truly does.

Maddog

 

[KatB]

Ever since I could remember, I was always the more heavy-top person of my siblings. I was also called certain nicknames from the family,playful but not really fun for the person who was fat and overweight. I always struggled with my image and self-esteem since a teenage. Now, I can relate my childhood to my present and see how it has really taken over my life in so many ways.

Ptsd has really taken a big toll on my overall health,especially mentally and emotionally. Now, I really REALLY dislike what I see in the mirror, despite on how my body has changed and it is not fat as I was as a child. I realize I like to eat a lot or a little( small portions), depending on the days but when I do eat, I crave more sweet than homestyle food.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Thank you for your honesty too. The candidness and disclosure of others gives me so much courage to keep fighting, it truly does.

Maddog

Maddog,
You are so sweet and thanks for your support. I am so sorry your experience was similar. Being force fed food must have been horrible. I am so sorry for the little girl in you that had to endure that. I was never force fed but not allowed to eat or drink unless my dad allowed it. He would fall asleep on the couch a lot and burn dinner a lot. He would still make you eat it. Burned food is not appealing. He was angry that my brother would get up and drink milk during the night and would belt my siblings and I until someone admitted drinking milk. He started to buy powdered milk. I now realize it was to stop my brother from drinking milk and being able to control even further because the milk had to be made. We had a huge mice and rat problem and my parents would feed us food that rats had been eating. I was nothing. I was not a person. That is the message I received and it was what I told my therapist a couple of days ago. I was not real and still do not feel real most days. It is rare when I crave any food. Now and then I like fresh cut fries. I don't eat them often. I have to push myself through the negative feelings regarding food when I eat.

I find great comfort in restricting. It is what I do in feelings of overwhelm. I know so many can relate that have been traumatized but it is an added difficulty when food has been used to punish in any way. We require food to live but that very requirement was provided in some sort of traumatic way. It is hard to relate any good feelings to it. I wish you well and wish I could offer better advice except to let you know as well you are not alone.

I am trying to create good memories for my children surrounding food. I regularily make sandwiches cut up as alligators or fish etc to make food appealing. I want my children to have good memories. I don't deny them and make sure they have snacks as well as meals. I never knew what a snack was.

 

[Sunny:)]

This is my advise to you and from someone who wasted too much of her life and health to ED: do whatever you can to learn new ways of coping and stop behaviours. It is not easy but it can be done and you can do it. You can do this whilst dealing with your trauma and the EFT.

Thank you for your response. It is very helpful. What is an EFT?

 

[Sunny:)]

The reason for mine was that I wanted to be unappealing to men. I discovered why and dealt with that and that helped with the eating...

So I guess I had to ask myself what the sole purpose of eating more, what was I trying to gain or do and why? and is there anything else I can do that is more productive and positive than eating ?

Best wishes
Saffy

I overeat to be unattractive to men. My abusers taught me that being a slim, attractive girl meant I was only good for one thing. The fat makes me feel safe. But the fat also makes me feel sad, for I know there's a healthy woman inside of me who wants to be outdoors and exercise and look and feel good. But the risk is so high. Two years ago I lost 35 lbs by following a structured, healthy meal plan, and walking on my treadmill everyday. Just loved how good it made me feel. Had to buy smaller clothes to fit me. A male friend of mine commented one Sunday at church how nice I looked. He said he could really see a difference in my face that I had lost weight. He is a good, kind man and meant no harm. But my alarms went off and I dove into the food when I got home. Now I've gained 60 lbs and am still growing. I'm 55 and it is not good for my health to be this way.

Is there a way to feel safe as your real self, confident that you can discern safe compliments from unsafe and not feel like running and hiding behind the fat?

 

[FaerieJayne]

This may trigger if you are triggered by eating disordered related posts.... just in case. I have had eating disorders since I was 11. I didn't realise it until recently but I have gone from one thing to the other. It started with restricting, then binging, then binging and purging, then just purging what I ate, then restricting. My weight during recovery from anorexia last year went from underweight to overweight... and now I feel disgusting. My diaries growing up are filled with "this is what I can control" "they controlled my body and it was theirs. Now it's mine" and "I need to fade away so no one will notice me" However when I binge it is normally to comfort depression and then I live to regret it. It is hard to actually have a normal eating pattern.

 

[Abstract]

It is hard to actually have a normal eating pattern.

Hi Faerie,
I think this happens more than people realise. Until we actually deal with using food as a way of coping it can mean swapping from one behaviour to another. It is also important to think if you are really overweight or if it is a distortion. The body can also demand a lot of food after recovery from AN as it does not yet trust that you won't starve it. We need to build trust with ourselves and what usually best stops binging post AN is to truly commit to not restrict again. Otherwise you end up in never ending circles of behaviours. I found it very helpful to keep connecting to what I was really feeling and deciding on appropriate coping accordingly along with keeping an eye on how my past was being injected into my thought process. You have done so well :tup::woot: so don't give up and keep going.

Truly beating ED has made my life so much better and I promise it is worth all the hard work and pain that it entails.

 

[Abstract]

I overeat to be unattractive to men. The fat makes me feel safe. But the fat also makes me feel sad,

Hi Sunny,
I have been underweight mostly but have also had this exact same dilemma. It's like I have two people in me and the one wants to safe and underweight and therefore more androgynous -the problem is that being a lower weight does not make one disappear as one feels like one is doing and rather gets more attention. I would therefore then kick off against that and the other side of me wants to be big so that I am unattractive to men and disappear in another way. So I would go through cycles as a result. I guess I need to be grateful as it stopped me from being truly emaciated. Sometimes both sides would be active at once.

There is no easy answer to your question I am afraid. It takes doing it and then dealing directly with the distortions and the feelings that come up. I have heard one concept used for when someone is overweight and has this dilemma that sounded helpful to me. You know those nesting dolls? The ones that fit inside each other. Attempt it as a stage by stage approach and one layer at a time. ED's are always distortions and when we put other unrelated stuff onto our bodies where they don't belong. When we put them on our bodies we deny ourselves dealing with them and encourage self hatred. The pain and fear doesn't really go away. That is an ED illusion. It rather gets internalised and converted into another form and a form that makes it more difficult to heal from. I hope that makes some sense.

Putting ED behind me has been my biggest achievement in my life and the most worthwhile one too.

 

[FaerieJayne]

It is also important to think if you are really overweight or if it is a distortion

I definitely have gone just above the line for my weight and height. My body definitely doesn't trust me. It holds onto everything now. I have to admit that in the past few weeks, noticing that I am above the line... and way over my mind's ideal weight I have noticed that I am having to fight against the old ED thoughts very hard because they are extremely loud lately. I won't be giving up any time soon. At the moment I want to keep fighting. Thank you for this thread.

 

[MissMacD]

I have a lot of food related trauma so my relationship with it isn't always the best. Going to the supermarket can be a nightmare because it can cause triggers. I recently discovered that I have body image issues and that I spent years thinking my body was bigger than it actually is.

 

[Abstract]

I definitely have gone just above the line for my weight and height. ... and way over my mind's ideal weight

Be really careful of this! Your minds idea of what your ideal weight is and your bodies correct ideal weight are probably two totally different things. If you continue to build trust with your body and do not indulge in restricting or purging then you should find you balance out. You are only just on the edge and there is nothing wrong with the weight you are. Hang in there and keep separating your feelings form your body distortions.

Just a PS. It is really important to be eating regularly through the day and if you are not able to do that yet I think it would be very wise to see an ED registered dietician. Keep fighting! :)

 

[MissMacD]

I can't have a scale in my house because I get obsessive with it.