Relationship Ptsd Girlfriend Breaking Up

[Lost and broken]

Hi, I am at a loss as to how to keep my relationship going with my PTSD girlfriend of over 2 years. She experienced a traumatic event 3 years ago tomorrow and has been suffering since. We met and got together just over 2 years ago and she was suffering PTSD mildly at the time although I was unaware of this. I have custody of 2 young children and she has custody of 1 child. We haven't lived together but have been very close over the time we have been together, like a family and we both saw a future in this. About 8 months ago the PTSD really started taking over her life and things have been a roller coaster ride for us through this time. Things were perfect before that time. She has broken things off constantly over the last 8 months but has always come back to me loving me the whole time. I now know through this time that I have triggered these events through me wanting a normal relationship and having little understanding of PTSD. She has always been the affectionate one in the relationship.

She is aware of her PTSD and has been actively gaining help through councilling and medication, she is due to attend a psych hospital this coming Friday as an inpatient to try and beat this terrible thing. Which is causing her a lot of stress and pain thinking about the hospital.

The last 2 months have been very rocky. On again off again. I found out last weekend that she had been seeing a guy from work for the last month, to what extent I still don't know because he msgd me and told me about it and that they were sleeping together and in a relationship. But she denies this strongly saying that there was nothing physical and not much at all, but she has been very remorseful this week about it.

We have tried working through this for the last week, I don't want to lose her and can see that the PTSD has caused all of this confusion. It's like she doesn't have the strength to work through it. We have been on and off this week which has all been from her lack of coping. I am trying to stand by her because I can see that she is so close to getting the treatment which hopefully will make a big difference. I want to be there for her. She says even yesterday that I am the only one in this world that she feels comfort talking to about everything and that she wants me there for her and the relationship. But then things seem to get hard and she breaks it off. She was tired yesterday and not coping and broke it off again last nigh calmly saying she doesn't want this now.
I don't know what to do. This is killing me and is very hard on all 3 kids. I am trying to stay strong but don't know how I can when she does this. Don't know if this is it or not.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated

 

[Friday]

Big anniversary today.
Going inpatient on Friday.
All kinds of stress/ chaos/ drama possibly going on outside of those 2 things.

My suggestion would be to take a deep breath & hit "pause".

As in do not attempt to unravel any of the chaos & drama that may or may not have been going on the past month... Until after she's in the hospital AND has stabilized (probably a few weeks).

For true, just take a step back and table all incoming crisis, as "important but not going to even touch them for a few weeks / little while".

***

It's a trick an old boyfriend taught me with PTSD was "calling moratorium" of making decisions during really big deals. As in he or I may want to break up, run away, blow something up... But that day? It doesn't matter. If he/I still want to break up tomorrow? Fine. No worries. Will do so. But not today. Ditto fighting, attempting to convince anyone of anything, major life plans, etc. We just don't do those things on (trauma) anniversaries, during BigStress (weddings, funerals, hospitalized, moving, new jobs, birthdays, holidays, etc.), nor during emotion-free-zones, meltdowns, etc. Decisions we can't come back from? Need to wait. A few days, a few weeks... Is nothing when looking at a lifetime together. But in the middle of a crisis? It feels like those decisions need to happen now-now-now. <shakes head> They don't. So I may be crying in someone's arms wanting to break up with them to protect them from myself, and that's fine. I still want to tomorrow? Okay. But not today. Not until the crisis has passed. Absolute moratorium on life changing decisions in crisis.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi and welcome to the forum. :)

PTSD aside, I think that if she wants to be with you then she commits to being with you and you alone (or goes it alone). It's not fair to you or to the kids for her to be bouncing between you and another guy. I understand that you want in, but I honestly think that the well being of the kids is of utmost importance and as such if she can't commit to you, you owe it to your kids to put distance between yourself and her. PTSD does cause confusion but please don't lose sight of the fact that she's willfully getting together with another guy. That is, she is making the decision to be with another guy. Please do all you can to protect your kids.

 

[Lostandbroken]

Thank you for the responses. I should have said that she assures me that she stopped contact of any sort with the guy a week before me finding out, and has said all this week that she hasn't and won't have any contact at all with him. She left her job at the start of the week to distance herself from him so I didn't have anything to worry about. Nothing makes whatever did happen right but she has spent the week saying she doesn't want anyone but me, apart from the meltdown times that she had but still assured me that there was no one else in the picture. Not sure what to beings.
Fridayjones, makes complete sense what you are saying. Is very hard to get my head around the fact that I have to leave her to deal with this on her own and just hope for the best. I have tried my best to forgive and forget as much as possible this week but have also wanted to try to understand what happened and why. It's very hard to push the cheating to the side and believe things but that's what I have tried to do to assure her that I'm not going anywhere due to her state of mind at the moment

 

[EveHarrington]

It's a very good sign that she has broken things off with the other guy. I'm not sure I can advise the forgive and forget route because it oftentimes lets unresolved resentment grow. Maybe it would be best to let her focus on her treatment for now, and revisit the straying issue at a later time? This way she can focus on just herself for now but your own needs aren't completely shoved under the rug. Maybe couples counseling would be a good thing to help you two rebuild your relationship.

 

[Lostandbroken]

I basically suggested everything that you just said to her, I definitely want to address the issue and hope to rebuild bigger and better in the future. It has me worried because she will be going away in a few days for a month or so for treatment so it feels to me that I am going to be left thinking and worrying about all the what ifs during this time.
If she didn't have this hospital treatment coming up then j couldn't even think about going on with her in this way

 

[kenziii]

Hi, I am at a loss as to how to keep my relationship going with my PTSD girlfriend of over 2 years. She experie...

i had a friend with ptsd 2 years ago before i have it , i couldn't understand him , i know he wanted my support but he kept distance and was pushing me away , i got nervous and i decided to end this friendship ! but after 2 years he told me he never wanted to leave or to cut our friendship , he was afraid he thought that he was adding pressure on me , and was afraid he was ruining my life ! what i mean by this whole story is that they do things that we don't understand , now i have ptsd and i knew why he was acting like that , when we push people , we are in bad need of them , we just need time and space to figure things out , you need to be calm and quiet , to act normally when she is okay , to ask her what she wants to do in the weekend for example ? so she is the person who decides , remind her of her points of strength , reassure her that you will be always there for her , we ptsd patients are afraid people will leave or that we are burden on them , reassure your love everyday , but don't push it , i mean stay simple , like get her flowers when you meet her , if she has a hobby ask her to practice it because she is amazing in doing it , etc
tell her that she is important in your life , about the other guy , maybe she was too stressed and needed space because she thought she was adding pressure on you . maybe there was nothing between them , but she was confused , anyway you decided to forgive her , so just forget about him , and talk about your future dreams and that the disease won't be a barrier or anything , i wish you the best

 

[Lostandbroken]

i had a friend with ptsd 2 years ago before i have it , i couldn't understand him , i know he wanted my...

Thank you for that insight. That is exactly what I feel is happening, I believe her when she has said many times that she wants me there with her but then when she pushes me away like now it is so confusing as to what to do if anything at all. She tried calling me last night but I didn't answer cause I knew she was trying to break it off once again, she msgd saying she couldn't do it, I didn't reply to anything due to fear of making things worse. Maybe this was the wrong thing to do. I sent her a text a few hours ago saying that "I will always be there for her, even through her darkest days. This is the rain within the storm and all storms end. Just breathe. Take your time, there is no rush. When you are ready to take another step forward I will be here to hold your hand". I haven't had any response from her at all.
She has said many times that this isn't fair on me and is also beating herself up about the other guy. I know she is not in a good place right now. I have stressed this last week about how good our future can be and that we can all be a family when she is ready. Maybe this is too much pressure for her with the way she is feeling

 

[Lostandbroken]

Also not once has she told me that she doesn't love me. In her texts last night she stated that she is trying to make something work that she can't do and stated that it wasn't the PTSD speaking. How do you know what is real and what isn't? To me it seems it is 100% the PTSD having this impact, but I can only take what she says at face value.
I only discovered this website today. I have done a lot of reading of people in similar situations to myself and it appears that this is an isolation stage of PTSD. So very confusing though and hate not being able to contact her in fear of making her feel worse and wondering if she is alright. We have always been in constant contact and always checking on each other. She is an extremely loving and caring person normally

 

[kenziii]

Thank you for that insight. That is exactly what I feel is happening, I believe her when she has s...

Thank you for that insight. That is exactly what I feel is happening, I believe her when she has s...

you are welcome any time
If i regret anything in my life it is that i cut him off , i thought he hated me and our friendship but he kept swearing that he was afraid to lose me , he never wanted to hurt me ! That is why i am asking you , don't give up on her , your massage to her is so touching and she appreciated it of course maybe she just needs time , sometimes ptsd we feel hopeless we need reassurance that people will stand by us no matter what because seriously most people don't. just be patient and see what will happen , hope this attack passes and you be together again

 

[Lostandbroken]

you are welcome any time
If i regret anything in my life it is that i cut him off , i thought he hated...

Thank you very much. I have wanted to do just that and stick by her, but have thought enough is enough, I need to stop forcing myself to be in her life. It's made me feel like I have been forcing her to stay in my life, but the few times I have let her be she has come to me. I guess I just don't know if this is it, but I don't think that I am going to let her push me completely out. Should I leave her be completely until she contacts me, which I'm sure she will for one reason or another eventually. Or should I send her a message everyday reassuring her that I'm still here?

 

[kenziii]

Thank you very much. I have wanted to do just that and stick by her, but have thought enough is en...

It is not easy to deal with her and her illness , frankly , if you love her so much that you can't imagine your life without her then you should make the effort , if you had enough and it is okay to find another partner then you can end things forever . Sometimes we can't let people go no matter what they did to us because they mean a lot to us . sometimes she doesn't even know she is pushing you , actually she is protecting herself . so as i told you , if you love her so much then tell her you love her , let her push you , when she comes back to you tell her you are there for her . If you can't take it anymore because i truly know how much it hurts when they keep pushing away and act like an ice hearted , then leave and don't feel guilty you did the best you can do