Ptsd: Living With My Former Abuser

[Marie10]

I feel very ashamed for admitting this since it's something I kept silent here on the forum along with my comments, I feel like one big hypocrite.

My roommate is my ex boyfriend, the one who was abusive to me on all levels. We moved back in together in August of last year- after he left the woman he left me for. We are not in a relationship but I put myself in a bad situation. I rationalized it for as long as I could and told my therapist who is concerned about my living situation and now I am too.

I can no longer take living here. The abuse is still here but it's more sublime and not as frequent. It exists in name calling, frequent lectures and all around mental and verbal abuse. Lately, a can of soup was thrown at me and I fear it will get worse. He is tapering off some of his meds (this has been going on for almost a year) and get's very angry. I help him out such as getting groceries and running errands and luckily he's able to pay for his share. As I'm writing this I'm in shock about how insane this is.

I want to move out and I think I will have the money to do so. I've told him that I need my own place before and he said he can handle the entire rent but when I speak to him about it, I become like a child and am very scared to bring it up. I must leave and I will once I see my therapist again next week.

My question is:

1) Has anyone else gone back like this or had a similar situation?
2) How could I make such a bad decision?
3) How to deal with this?

Thank You for your advice.

 

[Loner]

I havent' been in that exact situation but I have continued to live with my abusive parents. It was familiar, and I also hoped they would change. Thats really the only reasons. Regardless, you need to leave, thats the bottom line. Just leave. Don't think about the hows or the whys there will be time for that later when you are away from the abuse, now you just need to leave, focus solely on that.

 

[Philippa]

I haven't had that situation, but I have kept going back to someone who wasn't good for me, in a relationship. I also kept up seeing my brother, who has been a total dickweed to me for the last 20 years. I still sometimes want to see him, even though there has not been a single interaction with him in 20 whole years, where he hasn't called me a 'dog' or tried to get me to participate in a porn movie with his f*ck buddy, or messed with my head in some way, or shamed me for things i did in the past...or simply told me to f*%# off, or been completely unhelpful to me at times when I really needed support.

I think I go back because a part of me wants to be punished, and if I am being mean to myself internally, it's usually when I feel the urge to see him. I even set myself up for him to be mean to me, by saying things I know he will be unable to resist making fun of me for.