Put In A Box And Ship To No-man's Land

[p-no]

There is this colleague (S.) and I like him. Yea, "more", too. I don't want to but I do.

He's been very nice to me and attentive and showing interest. The more interest he showed, the more did I block it, although I don't actually want to block it. :wtf:

Today some more interest from him. Yesterday, I withdrew completely (and that was a good thing for me). Again, I've tried to be more open and to show my interest, too, but it hardly works. It's as if whenever I manage to act, I need to "bounce back" right after to feel a bit safer. Meaning, if I approach him for something personal, I need to withdraw severly afterwards, closing the door and getting a grip on myself. It feels as if I were giving myself away way too much, but realistically, it's not real private stuff but things friends talk about. I do mean friends, not just office mates either. But nothing that could - in the case of "emergency" - be thrown at me as being "more".

So, his interest became clearer and I withdrew more. He seems to have noticed and has "adapted". So, now this should make me feel good (as in: I am being heard and reacted to in a nice way) but what it does is scare shit out of me.

I do see the goal in the distance, wanting "more", but have no clue how to get there. I know, ultimately I will have to act, otherwise how is a person to know. But I don't want to. And I do not know when would be the "right" time, the "right" circumstances, etc. I'm a mess.

So, coming back to the title: Can someone please put me in a box and ship me to "no man's land"?

I have a postcard at home that reads: Protect me from what I want. I am longing for being protected from what I want right now.

 

[JustBe]

It sounds like a roller coaster ride P-no. I hope it turns out to be a wonderful and positive experience for you.

 

[p-no]

Personal relationships (in the so-called "real" life) are roller coaster rides for me always...

Thank you very much, Movin'On. :)

 

[saffy]

Hi Prime no
Does it make you feel vunerable when you approach him?

Self preservation in this area would make us withdraw and withhold for fear of what might happen as we do not beleive that we are strong enough to be able to deal with being vulnerable, it is almost like a loss of control which makes us edgy and frightened. Putting yourself in a position where you fear the answer or the feeling will envitably cause you to shut down and withdraw, even though you do not want to. If that makes sense.

I hope it works out for you, One step at a time eh ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

Does it make you feel vunerable when you approach him?

Yes, it does. Very much so.

I read your post in the office today - thank you for it! When I read it the first time then, I didn't come up with the full answer though. I mean, I thought, yes, it does, but I couldn't figure out why. Now I read your post again and things fell into place.

My t said a few weeks ago, not asking me but simply assuming while not focussing on this topic, rather on a side note, that I would be afraid of not being loved. I had tears in my eyes in an instant, not because she was right but because she was wrong and I couldn't say it. I can write it though: I have never been afraid of not being loved. I am terribly, down to my very bones, afraid of being loved. Of someone meaning the "I love you" and the "I like you for who you are". It scares everything out of me that makes me me. So, yes, fragile. Completely destroyable. As if I were a child lying naked on the soil on a barren earth with no defense. As for what I feel in such a situation: As if I risk my life. Seriously. I am not exaggerating or anything, it is what I feel.

I have lost many people I loved. I can not lose another one. I can't. One reason that I don't have a desire for having kids anymore is that I fully realized that I could never lose a child. I could never have a child die on me.

With regard to S. though it's the same thing. I'm scared that this is real. That there really are some good times ahead. That he really likes me. This liking me is so big for me already that I can't imagine what I will feel if we got together as "more". I have had about two weeks now sometimes imagining a hug with S. (in order to get prepared; that's a hole other story) and every time it brought tears to my eyes. Just the imagination! I'll burst or explode or whatever if it really happened!

At work, he's been walking with me, also in a group. What I mean is, he will walk right beside me, pedantically right beside me. If he catches himself being a bit too fast because he's talking to someone we go for lunch with and that person is a bit ahead of me, he will slow down while talking with that person and "get aligned". I like that. It's a tender signal, a nothing to most, and precious to me. I know it's nothing big. I know it's not necessarily a sign of "more". But it is what it is and I like it.

That is something so small and it makes me cry. In German we have a word for what that makes me feel and that's: es rührt mich. That is difficult to translate. It means, roughly: "it deeply moves me". The German is more like something touching your very soul, a soft, tender touch that holds a deep meaning. If something small like this deeply moves me, what am I going to do with something a lot bigger happening?

Even the thought of the more makes me tremble right now. I don't want to mess this up.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you on this one. I hope you will find a way to get more out of this. I hope you are ready and prepared for this, and if you are not get help from your therapist. Take it a moment at a time. A day at a time.

The only thing that comes to me is that smiles communicate alot. But I am confused. What do you do when you pull away? I need more information about what you do to pull away. Thanks and big hugs.

 

[p-no]

Gizmo, thanks so much. I'll reply when I can think straight again.

Right now I'm panicking feeling I'm losing control (control I don't even have). I was in a good mood this morning and S. came and he was viewing an apartment yesterday and I asked how it went and sooner or later we arrived at him saying that "always in the mornings" he was thinking about not signing the contract and not staying (because he doesn't like Berlin and loves his home town). OMG. I was saying that that is no option (we were "joking" or talking things over in a joking way and now reality hits me back in my office alone) and I'll prepare that contract so he can sign it tomorrow so that he can't even leave anymore. Oh my. Isn't that giving myself away? Anyway, he said that that was only in the morning hours and that he's fine now (sort-of "back on track"). He's going to view another apartment today and one more tomorrow and he hates (me too) lining up with 19 other people for viewing an apartment, then applying for it (yup, Berlin) and then not being considered as a tenant.

Well, he may be doing better now but I'm a mess. I'm sad and scared and confused and don't know what to do. I want to close my door and better just go home (just because of this feelings-overload). But I can't do that because it would give him the wrong impression. OMG, maybe I just found the answer to the question as to whether what I should do. "Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others." Does this mean it really is the best thing to do for me to keep the door open and to be approachable and be connected? It so doesn't feel like it! Maybe I should though. Maybe I should go for lunch together no matter what I feel like?

I'm messing it up already. I was probably way too clear just now with him. And then I withdraw showing no interest at all. I wish I were better at this.

 

[JustBe]

(((P-no)))

I totally suck at the interpersonal stuff too. Maybe you're overthinking the situation? I tend to worry myself into a corner about things that end up being fine. Just a thought.

 

[p-no]

Thank you, dear Movin'On, especially for taking the time and space right now to drop by here.
Have a good and safe trip, physically and emotionally speaking.

I am definitely overthinking. But for me, usually things do not end up being fine. But that's also because it's not just me in the relationship(s), but also the other person. And if that person brings e.g. a disorder with them, then there is double difficulties involved. I love Anthony's quote: "Relationships are proportionate to the complexities involved."

 

[JustBe]

Anthony's quote reminds me of another...

Frustration is directly proportional to expectation. ;)

 

[saffy]

I have lost many people I loved. I can not lose another one.

Hi Prime-no

That sounds like a fear barrier coming down. Making yourself vulnerable to unknown future events can be very scary. You head is full of mixed messages that are bombarding you with what ifs and worries of getting too close incase you loose them again. Thats a hard thing to get over.........but It can be done :)
I have noticed you are questioning a lot of stuff that is out of your control also. We all do that don't worry.

Imagin if you were very confident and focused on what you would like to happen, would you approach this guy and tell him you like him? ask him out for a drink? (if you feel vulnerable, this would be like torture)

Even now, can you tell him that you appreciate his thoughtfullness, that cant hurt surely. But it might get a response from him that helps you figure things out.

It sounds like you are already worrying about loosing this man that is so thoughtfull and receptive to you but he has no idea how you feel and so leaving is not a big deal to him.

Scary I know, beleive me if I could practice what I preach I think I would be a lot happier. I hope you can find some way forward and speaking to your T about these new thoughts, break them down and list them, or they will seem a jumble of confusion.

Best Wishes
Saffy

PS (HUG)

 

[p-no]

Just a short check-in for reasons of keeping my sanity.

I think I know now what bothers me so very much. I am repeating the same thing expecting a different result. I know I am in control of repeating - or not - the same thing over but I can't deal with it. I could have made a different choice but didn't. I made the choice of repeating the same thing, expecting a different result and slowly going crazy, or at least feeling as if I am going crazy.

So, can someone please put me in a box...

I can't do this over yet another time, but have no clue how to stop. :cry: