Put In A Box And Ship To No-man's Land

[saffy]

HI Prime no

What exactely are you repeating? I mean the first initial thought not the whole action :)

One thing you should know is that 'you do have the right to change your mind' .

IF it is a behavioural problem then new coping strategies can be learnt so that you do not repeat your action, but you must recognise exactely what you do and when. YOur T should be able to help.

Repeating the same thing is a curse of a lot of people its like a self fulfilling prophecy. It becomes a habit, a first defence reaction. But this habit can be slowely changed so that you approach things in different ways, by understanding the first response to what you are doing. If that makes sense. This then will break the cycle.

We are not ready to give up on you that easy and putting you in a box would just beshutting off the problem not solving it. You are going to have to be brave on this one, maybe not with this guy but it will certainly help you in the future.

Please Prime no, I know its easy for me to sit here and chat but sometimes seeing things from the outside can help with feedback :)

Big Hugs to you today, I feel you need one :)
Saffy

 

[p-no]

Take it a moment at a time.

Imagin if you were very confident and focused on what you would like to happen, would you approach this guy and tell him you like him? ask him out for a drink? (if you feel vulnerable, this would be like torture)

I know that that's the best way to do it but I am very bad at this. I am a person who is very direct and likes to bring things into the open and than have an honest talk about and find answers to questions, get to a result so to speak. The reason I am not being that way is that when I am that way, I don't-really-know-what-it-is-I'm-doing (scare? overwhelm? etc.?) people. I'd just go up to him, ask to go for a walk and say, hey, I like you, I think you do the same, am I correct? It's a bit blunt, I suppose. But it would spare me a lot of pain, fear, physical symptoms (psychosomatic symptoms)... I am like that with normal things, but most people aren't. They, to me, speak in "code" that I can not understand because to me it's so vague that I can interpret either the one way or another. Usually I come up with like 10 different ways the person who says something to me means it. Doesn't help.

So, one day, or hour, or minute at a time is really difficult for me because it's wait and see and let's develop rather than just bring it out in the open and be honest no matter what I'll hear.

smiles communicate alot

Another thing I have trouble with. When I don't feel well (for example when I have just talked to my good friend with cancer and am very worried and go to work), I can't smile at S. That smile would feel fake and I hate fake. I do acknowledge and accept when others are not feeling well. I don't think that's because of me that they don't smile but because something that is going on with them.

But I do realize that the smile would still be honest as a sign towards another person. I have tried this week to smile and it worked here and there. I think I'll have to continue to dismiss my own feeling and just practice smiling more, no matter what I feel like, if I want to make something to come across to a person.

What do you do when you pull away?

In my view: self-care. Being kind to myself. In their view maybe: close my door, shut them out (although they could knock and of course I'd have them come in and talk), behave differently than usual. Most of my colleagues are autistic; they notice patterns instantly, even if the patterns have nothing to do with them, they will think they might. So, usually my door is open; when I close it that's a clear sign to them, although it isn't really.

There are multiple issues in this whole story. And I guess it's not one that can be solved. I have become more and more aware that I have to deal with all the complexities on a minute-to-minute basis rather than a day-to-day one. This could be excellent practice in being aware of myself at all times, in order to get to where I want to get to. Take action and react while being in strong connection with myself. Making myself aware every minute of what I want that minute and act upon that. It's so difficult though because owing to my abuse history, I am used to focus on all others before me. Now all the energy has been going into me and into acting and not withdrawing. I managed fairly well to keep this up for three days. This is day 4 and I am home sick. Good thing though, I needed the break badly.

 

[p-no]

Frustration is directly proportional to expectation.

I do understand what you're saying, Movin'On. At least I think so. ;) You're right in what you're saying. At the same time though, expectations are necessary, I'd even say vital from today's perspective, with regard to keeping boundaries in place, setting boundaries up and moving towards your own goals in life.

I do agree to doing all you can to have realistic expectations. But not none or just few. Having none or few expectations only can pave the way for abuse. Been there, unfortunately.[DOUBLEPOST=1350056886][/DOUBLEPOST]But maybe I'm confusing "expectations" with "conditions" there... Confused. :confused:

 

[p-no]

would you approach this guy and tell him you like him? ask him out for a drink?

He mentioned that he'd "arrange for some drinks for us" in a certain context, but then happened what always happens: I was too slow to get it right there and then and, from his point of view, didn't react to it. My brain needs time to sort out stuff, so I usually react late, sometimes very late, and some people have no patience and think I'm not interested and move on. That's probably not the worst thing to do, since I couldn't deal with such a pace anyway long-term. But it hurts to see someone passing me by and I get it like a week or two later... :(

So, I caught it a few hours later (thanks to post-analyzing at the end of the day) and then took him up on the "offer". He said he would like to once he's found a new apartment... So, we're sort-of set, I suppose.

It sounds like you are already worrying about loosing this man that is so thoughtfull and receptive to you but he has no idea how you feel and so leaving is not a big deal to him.

Leaving is no big deal to him as he didn't want to stay in the first place. I then said to him that there is no leaving and that I refuse to accept this (jokingly, of course) and if he ever felt like leaving again he should just let me know, he got quite happy again and half a day later he said to me that he was feeling better now and that his feeling that leaving would be best was gone. :)

But...

 

[saffy]

Hi Prime No

Imagin if you were very confident and focused on what you would like to happen, would you approach this guy and tell him you like him? ask him out for a drink? (if you feel vulnerable, this would be like torture)

sorry that was supposed to be a rhetorical question, like in an ideal world sort of thing, came out differently, I can see that now.

I know that that's the best way to do it but I am very bad at this

God me too, dont worry you are not alone, I would never have the courage, unless really drunk, to approach a man in that way myself.

However, what you said about being upfront, I find I am sometimes to the point of being abrupt or brash, I think people find it scary too, although I think I must be coming across in a slightly defensive way without knowing it, rather than assertive, its like Ive already prepared myself for the 'expected' answer (You must be joking, or no way) I think it is my fear of abandoment and rejection, combined with low self esteem and confidence.

I also have trouble reading the signs and normally aways decide they are negative ones so back off before I get 'hurt'. Is that like you? Or I get the signs completely wrong eek its all very confusing eh. why cant life be more honest and truthful but not aggressive.

Sorry waffling now. Does any of that ring a bell with you?

Hugs
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

... I make "mistakes" all the time. Today he sent me an e-mail saying he was sorry he hadn't noticed yesterday that I was a bit sick and he was wishing for me to get well soon.

And I didn't reply to that. Like, I replied to other things he said with regard to finding a permanent apartment here, but did not even say thank you for that. It's not that I don't appreciate that he said that, I do. But I am never too sure what to reply to and what not. I don't know how to explain this, I'm being insecure and I don't want to do anything wrong so I end up doing something (in this case: nothing) that makes me come across as not interested.

How do I get out of this one? Should I send an e-mail now (hours later) saying: Oh, and thanks for the well wishes.

Oh God, I wish I were better at this. I'm scared of the day I'll go to the office and find his resignation on my desk. I know I'd survive and all. But it's my own responsibility for my own actions and not being able to do what I actually want to do that I'd be faced with and that hurts, too, in addition to him leaving. You probably guessed, this would not have happened the first time... :(

 

[saffy]

I think I'll have to continue to dismiss my own feeling and just practice smiling more, no matter what I feel like

Yes that would make you look like a cheshire cat lol. I dont think you should brush off your feeling as they are real, but the reason why you smile is important. If you sit smiling inately all day people are going to think your a bit weird, but If you smile a hello smile, showing you are happy to see someone, then this is different. If you do not want them to know your feelings thats also fine, but you are human and if upset or worried about something thats important too.

Being assertive is not the same as getting your own way or being aggresive to be heard. It is an invaluable tool to learn though. I use online assertiveness training sites to help me. They do and have, but still long way to go yet :)

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[p-no]

Does any of that ring a bell with you?

Dear Saffy,

((((Saffy)))) back to you. You were right, I needed one or two :happy:

Thank you for taking the time and effort to write here. I feel lost once again and all that crap.

Yes, it all does ring a bell for sure. See, when there is no man in sight that I'm interested in, I am fine re my self-confidence, etc. Seriously. Then I find I'm good-looking, a fun person to be with most of the time, successful in my job (that's permanent), I'm good with life. And then a man enters my life and whoosh... I'm gone. Not gone, but messed up. Why do I do this again and again?

Literally, if there were a country with women only, I'd go and live there. Seriously. I'm good not getting into anything with men just crossing my paths sometimes, e.g. at my dad's birthday party (he's still very young), but if I get interested in someone I see every day there comes a time when I can't go back. And then I'm in it all once again.

I wish I had a little dwarf t in my pocket that I could pull out whenever I need advice re what to do now? Like now, when I'm totally insecure and don't know how it would come across if I sent another e-mail saying thank you (see above).

Sorry for writing a book. Oh, and you're not waffling in my view. You've been helping me a lot. Thank you. :hug:

p-no

 

[JustBe]

... Confused. :confused:

I just meant that sometimes if we lower our expectations a bit, we won't be as disappointed. ;)

 

[p-no]

lower our expectations

How do you do that, Movin'On?

 

[JustBe]

D%mned if I know! ;) :(

I'm still working on that. When I'm depressed it's easy.

 

[saffy]

he was feeling better now and that his feeling that leaving would be best was gone.

Maybe he is looking for a friend too?

How do I get out of this one? Should I send an e-mail now (hours later) saying: Oh, and thanks for the well wishes.

and yes I think you should, accepting peoples apologies and accepting their good wishes does not make you a bunny boiler lol

Try not to get carried away with your thoughts in regard to him though, You really do not know anything about him other than in the office. You could try to arrange lunch with him and some others, it keeps it kind of casual but allows you to chat and see how each other are out of the office, he might turn out to be a right pig with bad table manners. Who knows :)

The best relationships start very slow and grow in friendship well before there is even an thought of getting more serious.

And dont worry you are not the only one who is slow on picking things up, me too. I am oblivous to most signs and comments most of the time. :)

Hugs
Saffy