Put In A Box And Ship To No-man's Land

[Springer80]

I...do silly break-dance like movements when there should be waltz-like steps and turns... :confused: :bag:

'Hammer Time!, ya can't touch this....da, da, da, da,da, doooo, dooooooo, can't touch this! :facepalm: :D

 

[p-no]

Okay, this will seem like a silly question, because I know the answer. But it would really help me to hear it from others. Can I still get out of this? I mean, that's a "can" in the sense of "am I allowed to" back out?

 

[Springer80]

Of course you can back out....people back out at the altar!!! Your nervous I take it?? :unsure::hug:

 

[JustBe]

Of course you can silly!:p

 

[p-no]

Not nervous, Springer. Just so very tired.

 

[Springer80]

Not nervous, Springer. Just so very tired.

Yeah I get that one. The thought of any more bumpy defeats doesn't exactly fill a gal with enthusiasm, especially when your already drained. Also, putting your trust in someone who you would need to treat you carefully is tricky. AND the fact that it would take more out of you to recover if it went wrong and be something to beat yourself up about regarding another notch in the ptsd hall of shambles.

There are plenty of reasons to hide.

 

[Springer80]

Hi P-no,

I don't mean to be negative with the above statement. I'm in a bit of a stalemate with myself about these things and I don't know what to think really. I do know exhaustion and how enticing hope can be and how much you want things to work out sometimes is scary.

I suppose if you want nice things in your life and you like this guy then you don't let doubt extinguish it before the two have you have tried. I heard this phrase on some political documentary....'gradualist reform not revolution', this approach could help with your exhaustion. Maybe you walking to many steps ahead in your mind and your anticipating hurt and strain from other circumstances, which might not occur this time?

(((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) :)

 

[p-no]

There are plenty of reasons to hide.

You are right about what you're saying in your whole post, Springer. However... (see next post)

 

[p-no]

I don't mean to be negative with the above statement.

I didn't think your post was or is negative. It's just true, IMHO.

Maybe you walking to many steps ahead in your mind

I am. And then again I am not. I need to walk some steps ahead to see if that is where I want to go. At least I think it's a good thing that way. But, yes, it's too many.

your anticipating hurt and strain

Sometimes, and I mean this, you are anticipating hurt and strain because you can predict it. In some cases this is indeed so. It is in this. I am very sad about this and have done a lot of grieving lately and am so not done, but unfortunately, this is not "other circumstances", but rather "the same circumstances repeat". They will, and I mean this, will occur this time. They already have.

I can't go into all the details as I'd be writing a book (literally; friends and psychologists and the like who I have been doing advocacy work for re the complexities involved in this have suggested writing a book), I can only hope that you'll believe me when I say this is not "just panicking" or "anticipating". This goes a lot deeper. And I am not sure I can do this another time, nor want to. I will get hurt; it will be not only a bumpy road but one where suddenly earth will open up and swallow me whole and spit me out all emotionally messed up.

It's not about liking him or not; I do really like him. But I am also very aware of the complexities. Never been this aware. It's about people from different "cultures" (trying to find a good image; so: not literally). Who like each other. Which makes it difficult.

(((((((((((Springer)))))))))))

You're so kind, Springer. You're always helping me with your support. I hope that you do not get the impression that I don't appreciate your comments on this because I do! It's just that there is such a lot in this. I've started to talk about it with my t; the backgrounds, that involve my father whom I love dearly. There is a truth about him that I can hardly face. I have known for two years now and can't face it for more than a few seconds at a time. Finally on Friday I told my t in a nutshell (like 10 seconds). This is harder to bear look at than my abuse in childhood, and that is saying a lot. :cry:

 

[saffy]

Emotional rollercoasters are very tiring, I know. You have every right to change your mind and 'back out' if you like. People change their minds and opinions all the time, it is allowed. People also back out irrationally, without the need to.

All our thoughts on how we see our future and what we expect is dialogue that has not happened and cannot be predicted in its own right. However, we can use skills to determine how fast, how far and how much we allow ourselves to experience before we become uncomfortable and it seems out of our control. Self control and staying in the present can help with this combined with knowing your bounderies and having your self esteem in tow.

Sounds easy, NOT. But it is a start to go with. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

All our thoughts on how we see our future and what we expect is dialogue that has not happened and cannot be predicted in its own right.

I don't agree with this. You can not predict the future in the sense that you'll know it all and very precisely. But you can predict certain things about the future and from your own experience you can know very well what affect those experiences can and might very well have on you.

For illustration purposes: If you meet someone with PTSD and that person tells you roughly he suffers from PTSD and some of his symptoms are e.g. anxiety, panic attacks, physical tenseness at night, nightmares, then you can "predict" that you will co-experience those when you get together with them. In that way, yes, you can take a look at the future, in the sense that PTSD is a part of who that person is and therefore will be part of your relationship.

Agree with all else you said, Saffy! :) Very important things... And certainly isn't easy... Yikes! :eek:

Thank you, Saffy!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear p-no, I am not sure what you mean about cultural differences and such, but that may be grounds that you will not retain the interest (or have the compatability) you thought was initially possible. And if your interest wanes, you won't be interested (genuinely).

Similarly, I do not know how it exactly corelates or triggers you in terms of your father, but I trust that if it's worse to talk about than the abuse it's extremely difficult and important.

I agree with what you have said but can only add 3 things. For myself, I have found that if I don't have 'thoughts' in place as to what I should do (even loosely planned), then I won't. Too many other thoughts, doubts and symptoms compete. Therefore, the doubts and fears as per dating- well if I don't make up my mind to go out, I won't, I will back out. Unless it's spontaneous. Similarly, if I come out of a store and I am unsure of what I am 'doing' next, I may end up standing in the parking lot, half-disoriented! :eek: :rolleyes: :( Even facing difficulties, if I have no clear thought or 'saying' in my head, I cannot. I have to have some idea in my mind what to plan, what to feel, or even what to 'think' (a saying to focus on). Without it I am entirely lost. :(

I agree with what you've said about ptsd, past traumas, 'ourselves'. I think part of the real difficulty with any relationships when you have ptsd, is a person who doesn't have it doesn't understand sometimes that 'big' things may not have the same impact, and just as conversely small things have a critical one. So roses and dinner- while lovely, may not matter as much as small communications, or forgiving our ptsd reactions and making an effort to overcome them, when sometimes we just can't.

Lastly I would say, I agree as regards these 'things' (ptsd-related) being present, always at some level. No one wants to make others sign up for that. But the 3 relationships in my life that were good had one common characteristic: the other person did not react to me as I expected (or deserved), and they didn't react as though it was as 'bad' as I thought. I would say a continuous pattern of love and kindness. Being that we should not think for others, though your fears are valid, perhaps S's response would not be as you anticipate, perhaps for him being in love with you (which grows with time) would be worth it.

(((((Hugs)))), and you always have the right to choose as you wish. Xoxoxoxox.