Realistic Rules When Living Together

[GrapplingGrief]

Financially, we share the bills equally, an unwritten rule. If either of us were to become unemploye...

Thanks. I'm the same way with money. I feel like I can make it back. Ditto for material things.
Could you elaborate on the consequences that keep you connected even when needing space?
I think some of the issues ALL relationships face is the reality that there isn't a lot of free time to connect. When people work (and she worked long hours for little pay) and have hobbies (strength training was an obsession with her), you literally get maybe one day, Saturday to unwind. And if you're in charge of the vast majority of the domestic duties because your partner's PTSD is too debilitating, then you get maybe one hour to relax with your partner who... May be isolating or numb. That's rough. The motivation to keep going is severely strained. What I learned after the breakup was that all I really REALLY needed was a long hug or what she used to call a snug. A real one. Not the hollow ones I was getting once in a blue moon when things got bad. I even told her that all I needed was a genuine hug and a lil kiss. I even said fake it if you have to because it would bug me to see her able to be her charming self with strangers. It took me to a bad place and made me think she just didn't like me anymore ( I understand now don't worry!). I would only see glimpses of her in the morning. And I should've cherished that a bit more. The problem with how our lives are structured these days is that you get that one day, and then it gets spent with friends or whoever so the supporter or the sufferer can go decompress. But I KNOW most supporters just hope with all their hearts that their partner will just show a glimpse of who they are, who they really are under that PTSD and it is so depressing when they'd rather spend that day doing something for themselves. It should be Supporter' Day but it usually isn't.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

There is a precious rescue dog out there just waiting for you to show it that you can be rejected and hurt...

Thanks. The dog I miss most was a Chihuahua rescue. We were inseparable :(

 

[illusionist]

The consequences I face if I 'flee' is the possibility that I lose a near perfect relationship and the man I deeply, deeply love....the minimum would be losing his trust which has been built up.....and I just can't take that chance....our breaks away from each other, maybe three times a year, help with distressing and are done when the signs start to show....a bit like releasing some steam from a pressure cooker.

I understand your point, but if my man asked me to fake a hug and a kiss I'd have my bags packed and out......that is not showing respect to another's feelings AND he would not be showing respect towards himself either, by accepting fake ( that's how I would feel anyway). Be honest with yourself....would you genuinely be content with that?

It really does take time to build a relationship and that's before you move in together.....it sounds like she was completely overwhelmed. I know I found it hard the first year of living together, and that was after two years of dating....but I did settle over time and still throw my arms around him when we get back from work every night and snuggle up......but that took a huge amount of trust and deep love to get there. We are not distant all the time.

I'm sorry you weren't given that chance to experience that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@GrapplingGrief , I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but my vet and I keep our own separate places. We've been together almost 4 years and spend most nights together. Our stuff is all intermingled at both places. My kids even have a room set up at his... but he has his place, and I have mine.

Everybody always asks why we aren't living together or married, blah blah blah, but this is what works for us. We're both divorced and not in a hurry to remarry, and the housing situation is working like gangbusters for now... He has his own space when he needs to isolate, and my kids and I can function normally (i.e., make noise, have people over, etc.) instead of tiptoeing around trying to give him the quiet safe place he needs during those times. Financially we're independent of each other. For me, it's a safety net. If something happens, I won't be homeless with 2 kids. For him it takes a lot of pressure off.

Don't worry about meeting some kind of norm or traditional relationship progression. Do what works for you guys. Adapt and overcome.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should throw the idea of "fair" out the window.

It's not about what's fair. If a partner complained to me about fairness, we'd rumble. PTSD is the ultimate in unfairness. The truth is that life isn't fair. It's not tit for tat.

Please don't misunderstand. We all have needs and requirements in a relationship. it's about balance and getting our needs met.

I'm sort of on the other side. I'd be livid if a boyfriend of 4 months thought he could take my dog away even temporarily. Would you take away a partners child after knowing them for 4 months? (Crazy to even suggest it, right?) I'm trying to make the point that pet bonds go VERY deep. I guess I'm just shocked that you'd expect pet custody after a short 4 months.

I think your relationship moved too fast in all honesty. It seems liked you jumped into playing house very quickly without even really knowing who you were moving in with. This can be disaster when neither party has any sort of mental health issue.

I suggest "you do you" for now so she can do her. I think you both need to get to a healthy place before a relationship can be viable. I'm concerned that you so quickly jumped into the role of person who does everything in the household. I hope you seek out treatment for codependency. (Do you have CODA groups in your area?)

 

[Crow]

@Sweetpea76 I love that idea. One reason I've shied away from relationships is the thought of spending every night with someone. I need my own space sometimes. Love the idea of two dwellings.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

@GrapplingGrief , I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but my vet and I keep our own s...

I can really see how that simplifies things in a lot of ways. It's always great to team up but this might be the right idea in a lot of cases. The housing market here is ridiculous though. We moved in a little earlier than most because it was just easier financially for the both of us (mostly her though - I really did it to give her a comfortable safe place for once in her life where she didn't have to worry so much about bills). On some level it's good that we had this fall out earlier rather than later. At least if we ever do decide to resume things, we now know what can happen and can hopefully set up protocols to protect each other better.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I think you should throw the idea of "fair" out the window.

It's not about what's fair. If a part...

As I stated earlier, I wasn't trying to take the dog. I was merely stating that I grew attached to him and took care of him 90% of the time, and in the future, if we know we're going to always work through these hopefully rare occurrences, that our entire life structure not get completely destroyed. I honestly don't think I'm codependent. I think the situation caused me to take on this role and I think every good natured person would've tried their best to support their partner when they were clearly struggling. Codependency is not an all or nothing negative thing. It's part of being an empath. We were in love. She needed a place and didn't have the finances after her ex destroyed her. I needed a place but instead of buying a house I decided to try this out first. It is difficult being single income in this city unless you want to live in a hole. I wanted to support my little family the best I could so she didn't have to pay for a dog sitter or walker. She had very little in savings and wasn't making a lot. It only made sense to try this out. At least we now know how much trauma is there and how it can affect our lives drastically. How many stories on here have people walk away from marriages, co-owned houses, bill after bill interlaced, etc. I have a co-lease, a debt a wiped clean, and that's it as far as collateral damage (minus my missing the dogs). It could've been a lot worse and I just wanted to start a thread to see how this could be mitigated (hopefully) if we BOTH decide to start again. I love her but this is scary. Your life just gets ripped apart and you're supposed to be understanding and empathic and it's very hard not to assume the worst because that's ...normal... but the situation isn't.

 

[ladee]

Completely understand your need to see if there is some sort of plan to put in place. And it does leave the supporter hurt and confused...Guess one of the main things is to try and be flexible in the beginning of the planning... because a relationship with someone with PTSD isn't normal... so the plans won't sound normal to others either... but this is about you and her... doesn't matter what others think..

It sounds to me that you have your own answers, but were simply needing validation on your ideas and plans... kudos to you... what's the worst that can happen, you may have adjust the plans as time goes on... leaving that open is a good idea.... so neither of you feel compelled to follow RULES..... Hopefully you and her will be able to set down and have this talk... it will be as individual as the two or you are... But if it rocks on too long, you may want to move on.... there are no magic answers... but then, that is life, not just PTSD... Good luck for you having the future you dream of..

 

[GrapplingGrief]

Completely understand your need to see if there is some sort of plan to put in place. And it does leave th...

Yeah I'm honestly confused a lot. I look back and her hear words and overanalyze. Like when we "split" (which is what she told mutual acquaintances), she told me "I know you're confused but it is best that we're not together right now." And when we talk sometimes in person, she'll be completely normal until the topic turns to us. She then has that super scared look. She's told me she still loves me. When we hug, I'll maybe say I miss her. I see scared love in her eyes and she whispers that I'm not helping. Is she using the isolation to just heal and forget me? Will she ever be open to talking about us again in the future? All I remember was the person who cried in my chest and said to wait for her. Then afterwards she said it wasn't fair to me but that's my choice. I'm not waiting for her in the sense that is my sole purpose now. I'm trying to do things for me and focus on my goals too. But I still love her. I want to ask her if she's just done forever with the idea of us but I know that I'm not going to get an answer from a safe, rational place right now. It's just so damn hard to decide what I'm rooting for or foolishly getting my hopes up for an unknown outcome. PTSD... I hate you.