Requesting help for reframing my situation; Doomsday prepper husband.

[PlainJane]

Mod Note: Heya @Flying Dove, You started a diary; that's fantastic! Would you like me to merge the other threads about your relationship with your husband here to consolidate the information, would you find that helpful?

 

[Sideways]

Some people will latch on to anything to avoid their internal pain and distress. It’s very sad for your hubby that he’s chosen to focus on this illusion, rather than dealing with his internal pain.

But it is his choice. You can’t make him choose recovery, or dealing with his own shit. Sometimes the more we try and do that, the more resistance it creates.

The only thing you can control in this relationship is you, and the choices you make.

Make some good ones. Ones that help you heal from your pain. The best you may be able to do for hubby is hope that one day he decides to do the same.

It will be very hard for you to look after yourself in this current situation. Be courageous.

 

[Flying Dove]

Sideways I am pretty much brutal in my honesty. I am part of this for getting sucked in. He does see his part his part in this too but the blame seems to shift always on me. Ie after all I have done for you he says. I asked for us to stop the blame game.,is he really not dealing with his pain? Thank you.

 

[Flying Dove]

Mod Note: Heya @Flying Dove, You started a diary; that's fantastic! Would you like me to merge the other threads about your relationship with your husband here to consolidate the information, would you find that helpful?

Yes. Thank you

 

[PlainJane]

You got it :)

 

[Workingonit]

Why does that have to happen in a veterans mind?

If you are still around we can talk. I can tell you how i feel about it but i cant speak for your husband.

I am not pro civil war. I think it would be a travesty but basically its because the government doesnt respect our rights the constitution or the law and uses its full weight and power to subjugate the people. We are over taxed, underrepresented and basically nobody cares because sportsball is on the TV. Inflation is rampant and much higher than reported, everybody knows this, you cant buy houses because the hedgefunds are gobbling them all up with stolen money and every government entity has loopholes and an enforcement wing to freely trample your rights as a citizen.

And nobody cares.

 

[Workingonit]

Oh ya and because the media has spent almost a decade now telling half the country that the other half the country are nazis while literally acting like nazis.

 

[Weemie]

I think there needs to be a balance when it comes to prepping. The most important prep is psychological and communal. If you are constantly bombarding your household with yelling about the end of the world, that makes everyone tense and on-edge. If you are obsessed to the point that you lose sleep over this stuff, then you aren't stable enough to actually cope with it if it does happen.

I try to focus my efforts on preparing what I can, and developing personal skills such as martial arts, languages, engineering, wildlife survival, and getting to know the neighbors. A lot of this stuff can be split up if you know a neighbor who gardens, then you don't need to learn gardening. You can trade and share skills evenly, and that helps even just in regular day-to-day life, not just for "doomsday" scenarios.

A lot of people get obsessed with the idea of an end-of-the-world scenarios because they are mentally unwell, and believe such a thing would give them a blank slate. It allows them to get lost in escapist fantasies of being heroic and saving the day, when most likely what would happen is that they would wind up in a severe crisis, because they lack the skills to truly deal with an apocalyptic event.

Your husband has to start looking after himself, and his family. Otherwise, he's going to drag you all down before any civil war gets a chance.

 

[Flying Dove]

Returning After Account Deactivation

I am back in therapy almost 2 months now.My husband is the veteran. No longer sure if he has ptsd. I do. Yesterday his/ our discussion about shtf etc got so escalated I gave him permission to leave to " save " his daughter and grandchildren. My truth is almost dying for 30+ days back in May 2014 was physically and psychologically painful that if shtf I do not want to be here. I had this discussion with my therapist. Many of us would not survive off grid. No toilet no prescription meds. In my case once my anti epileptic drug runs out my risk for a seizure decreased cognition and SUDEP rise. This is not a choice or mind over matter but fact. No I am not suicidal just aligned in reality. I do not believe what my husband does at all now. If one keeps building the neural network he does with diligence like he does- he checks news repeatedly doingna threat assessment- this is all you will think. The alarming thing to me is he has determined shtf very soon. I have fallen in love and married a man with this and I got sucked in. I see how far off base he is but once dopamine cortisol etc get going with fight flight I can do nothing for him. Yesterday extremely painful for both of us. I am hanging in here goal oriented one day at a time.,

 

[Flying Dove]

Husband has been told in the past by others including his parents he needs therapy psychiatrist etc. He told me no one has been so vocal about it like I have. I have stopped this. I am beating a dead horse. I made errors getting sucked in to his shtf thinking looking at news podcasts etc trying to see if he was right. We met 4 months after the covid pandemic started..I am now just focusing on changing me. Wrong approach trying to change both of us. But he scares me. Not due to abuse etc but always doing threat assessment by looking at news. Primary in trauma recovery is learning what can trigger the amygdala. He gets hostile if he is told you might have ptsd. He has also had minor TBI from his service. My TBI was major and acquired. Craniotomy.

 

[Weemie]

Having read your recent thread before it got removed: he's not wrong, he's just not helping his situation or your own. I posted a more detailed analysis above based on my own experience prepping for fifteen years now.

I started as a teenager knowing we were headed for political instability, civil war and economic collapse precipitated by catastrophic events such as our homes becoming uninhabitable due to climate change, pandemics due to forestry pushing animals out of their natural habitats, severe weather events and food/water shortages.

I don't have to convince anyone - I don't care if people think I am stupid or silly. I know a lot of it comes from PTSD and I balance it with what it is realistically possible to achieve by even *being* prepared. I'm poor so my preps come down to preparing essential kits, learning skills, socialization and mental fortitude.

When people talk about disaster preparedness we aren't really talking about doomsday scenarios - most of it is knowing what will realistically impact your live and having a plan for dealing with that inevitability.

I live in Nova Scotia on an aging and decrepit power grid. We have no doctors, no homes, and no one coming to save us if we get pummeled by a severe hurricane. Being prepared will save lives because we lack the infrastructure to actually deal with these events after they happen.

(A great book I highly recommend everyone read is the duo Where There Are No Doctors/Dentists. I use knowledge from that book all the time since we don't have any medical care here).

Your husband sounds mentally unstable and consumed by this. It means that when shit does hit the fan he is not going to be able to handle the situation mentally and will likely have a breakdown.

Again, the best prep is psychological. And he's not looking after his mind or your mind by the constant bell-ringing. Disasters can be quick or they can be a long, slow deterioration. Not keeping yourself sane will only increase how fast things fall apart.

 

[Flying Dove]

I think there needs to be a balance when it comes to prepping. The most important prep is psychological and communal. If you are constantly bombarding your household with yelling about the end of the world, that makes everyone tense and on-edge. If you are obsessed to the point that you lose sleep over this stuff, then you aren't stable enough to actually cope with it if it does happen.

I try to focus my efforts on preparing what I can, and developing personal skills such as martial arts, languages, engineering, wildlife survival, and getting to know the neighbors. A lot of this stuff can be split up if you know a neighbor who gardens, then you don't need to learn gardening. You can trade and share skills evenly, and that helps even just in regular day-to-day life, not just for "doomsday" scenarios.

A lot of people get obsessed with the idea of an end-of-the-world scenarios because they are mentally unwell, and believe such a thing would give them a blank slate. It allows them to get lost in escapist fantasies of being heroic and saving the day, when most likely what would happen is that they would wind up in a severe crisis, because they lack the skills to truly deal with an apocalyptic event.

Your husband has to start looking after himself, and his family. Otherwise, he's going to drag you all down before any civil war gets a chance.

Thank you. My focus has been on adapting to the changes brought on by the pandemic. A lot of my healthcare now is telemedicine. Ordering food etc online having it delivered. Or driving up for delivery. My health insurance has created 1 problem after the other so I have to take control away from them. I like what you said about escapist fantasies. He definitely wants to be a savior. A crisis is what worries me. I read the media during the upcoming election can manufacture images of a riot a run on banks or biden being hospitalized but none of this is. true. So people can react or overreact to false triggers. I like extra food household supplies. My husband will not change. I agree he needs to help himself but he will not. I really love this man more than anyone. My first husband died in 2012. If worse comes to worse I can't stop him. I do not want him to take our dogs. They are 2 pitbulls very loving and my documented ESAs. With them I feel safe and grounded. Thank you for your support. Appreciate knowing you have a prepper background.