Scared to connect yet the loneliness is crushing me.

[identitycrisis]

Hi all. I'm struggling with loneliness yet I fear connecting with other people.
I'm realising that I have traumatic aloness stemming from my childhood, and that I've always felt disconnected and lonely.
I believe this is rooted in my childhood attempts to modify my authentic self to become lovable in my father's eyes, the term 'soul murder' is a perfect description. This has caused me to not really know who I really am all my life, and for me to spend many years numbing myself with a heavy cannabis use disorder to deal with the self loathing and the depression.
In the end I hated myself for being addicted to weed, but after over a year of abstinence I still feel dead inside and life seems more unbearable than ever.
I'm currently waiting for CAT therapy on an NHS waiting list in the UK.
I'm also on 45 mg Mirtazapine every day but the disconnection and loneliness is making my life unbearable.
Any helpful advice is really appreciated, even just to know that I'm not alone with my situation and mindset.
Thank you.

 

[Teasel]

Isolation hits hard I know. Can you look for any activities to go to? That way you get some (but not too much or too intense or too high stakes) human connection.

For me an art class was great for me at all time I was painfully lonely.

Welcome to the forum.

BTW what is CAT therapy?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Try to find a drop in hiking group. If you ride a bicycle and you are in the UK, google the Rough Stuff Fellowship. They are a cycling club that isn’t competitive and you don’t need a fancy bike. Their rides are low pressure social events. I live in the US but I am a member just to support that type of cycling culture.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Understand this painful place too, it's such a hard predicament to be in, the isolation is awful but trying to not be so isolated comes with a whole heap of anxiety and a feeling of not belonging too.

Like other have said, is getting out of the house to something an option?

Most city and county councils now have wellbeing type services attached to them which offer gentle activity that might help the feelings a little, you are at least with people in similar circumstances who all get it. Tends to be a mix of group/ online/ 1-1 stuff so you can slot into where feels most achievable. Might be worth a look.

You've also got recovery colleges normally attached to NHS trusts and adult ed colleges too if a formal learning course of some description appeals.

 

[identitycrisis]

Isolation hits hard I know. Can you look for any activities to go to? That way you get some (but not too much or too intense or too high stakes) human connection.

For me an art class was great for me at all time I was painfully lonely.

Welcome to the forum.

BTW what is CAT therapy?

Thank you Teasel, I'm getting out as much as possible (I'm currently living in supported housing for homeless people, and the other residents trigger me with their nocturnal noise) and I volunteer every Friday for a charity that rebuilds donated bicycles to sell. I still find it hard to feel like I fit in with society and I am hoping that the CAT (cognitive analytic therapy) can help me overcome my distorted views of myself and trust issues with relating to others.

Try to find a drop in hiking group. If you ride a bicycle and you are in the UK, google the Rough Stuff Fellowship. They are a cycling club that isn’t competitive and you don’t need a fancy bike. Their rides are low pressure social events. I live in the US but I am a member just to support that type of cycling culture.

Thanks Lost in the Woods, I'll check out The Rough Stuff Fellowship.

Understand this painful place too, it's such a hard predicament to be in, the isolation is awful but trying to not be so isolated comes with a whole heap of anxiety and a feeling of not belonging too.

Like other have said, is getting out of the house to something an option?

Most city and county councils now have wellbeing type services attached to them which offer gentle activity that might help the feelings a little, you are at least with people in similar circumstances who all get it. Tends to be a mix of group/ online/ 1-1 stuff so you can slot into where feels most achievable. Might be worth a look.

You've also got recovery colleges normally attached to NHS trusts and adult ed colleges too if a formal learning course of some description appeals.

Thank you Midnightmoon. I previously tried the recovery college but there wasn't much on offer in Somerset. There is a local Mens Shed group that I will link up with. The trouble is that I can be around others and still feel utterly alone and unable to feel connected, even with myself.

 

[arfie]

empathy, identi. isolating remains one of my most therapy resistant symptoms after half a century of recovery. "soul murder" gets my vote for an apt description of the results of isolating. i hope you don't mind if i run with it. in my own case, i learned how to isolate in the back of a station wagon with 10 siblings. at 70 i can isolate in a crowd so easily that i often think of invisibility as my superpower. it can even be a neat superpower until you get to that pesky soul murder which is a natural side effect of isolating. details, details. . .

to date, radical acceptance and mindfulness are my most effective tools for avoiding that soul murder. with radical acceptance of my isolating habits, i can mindfully tend the hurt spots while i look for gentle relief. in my own case, attending a public function, such as a street fair, shopping mall or the like, provides short term relief while i look for longer term relief, such as somebody i can open up to. i remind myself often to be gentle with myself and patient with the process. i use small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

 

[Teasel]

The trouble is that I can be around others and still feel utterly alone and unable to feel connected, even with myself.

Sounds like this is a good thing to work on? I relate too to having not felt connected to myself. So started writing in a journal fairly regularly asking myself
How fo I feel?
What do I need?
What do I want?
I'm sure the Internet has ideas for connecting to self though too.
Hope you can find this forum useful too.

 

[identitycrisis]

empathy, identi. isolating remains one of my most therapy resistant symptoms after half a century of recovery. "soul murder" gets my vote for an apt description of the results of isolating. i hope you don't mind if i run with it. in my own case, i learned how to isolate in the back of a station wagon with 10 siblings. at 70 i can isolate in a crowd so easily that i often think of invisibility as my superpower. it can even be a neat superpower until you get to that pesky soul murder which is a natural side effect of isolating. details, details. . .

to date, radical acceptance and mindfulness are my most effective tools for avoiding that soul murder. with radical acceptance of my isolating habits, i can mindfully tend the hurt spots while i look for gentle relief. in my own case, attending a public function, such as a street fair, shopping mall or the like, provides short term relief while i look for longer term relief, such as somebody i can open up to. i remind myself often to be gentle with myself and patient with the process. i use small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

I hear you arfie. My invisibility superpower was the only way I could survive my psychotic father as a child, he took out his own C-ptsd emotional dysregulation on me and my mother because he didn't know any other way and he got a sadistic kick out of it. I then spent many years dissociating and hiding within my cannabis abuse.
As well as the soul murder that he initiated and that I furthered in my quest to be loved, his inconsistency with occasional conditional reward (when I was a 'good little boy') and harsh discipline when I was just being a normal child showing natural feelings and saying/doing the normal stupid things kids do, I lost all self-esteem and have always felt helpless in the world. He always put his needs and wants before his family.
This is why I thankfully never had my own children.
I'm starting to be kinder to myself, to feel okay with my invisibility and understand that many other people feel exactly the same.

Sounds like this is a good thing to work on? I relate too to having not felt connected to myself. So started writing in a journal fairly regularly asking myself
How fo I feel?
What do I need?
What do I want?
I'm sure the Internet has ideas for connecting to self though too.
Hope you can find this forum useful too.

Thank you Teasel. Knowing that I'm not alone feeling like this is a step towards connection.
I have to break the pattern of my years of shame and guilt for disconnecting from my authentic self as a child, and for feeling fake and unable to cope, self compassion is the only way.

 

[Dadzilla]

Hi all. I'm struggling with loneliness yet I fear connecting with other people.
I'm realising that I have traumatic aloness stemming from my childhood, and that I've always felt disconnected and lonely.
I believe this is rooted in my childhood attempts to modify my authentic self to become lovable in my father's eyes, the term 'soul murder' is a perfect description. This has caused me to not really know who I really am all my life, and for me to spend many years numbing myself with a heavy cannabis use disorder to deal with the self loathing and the depression.
In the end I hated myself for being addicted to weed, but after over a year of abstinence I still feel dead inside and life seems more unbearable than ever.
I'm currently waiting for CAT therapy on an NHS waiting list in the UK.
I'm also on 45 mg Mirtazapine every day but the disconnection and loneliness is making my life unbearable.
Any helpful advice is really appreciated, even just to know that I'm not alone with my situation and mindset.
Thank you.

Hey there! I'm on a similar path, one that has even left me feeling disconnected from my own kids. The only thing that helped with getting close was booze, but alcoholism was going to kill me for sure, so I walked away from the bottle to keep my family. Since then (@ 8 years) I've been living pretty marginally, my circle getting smaller, little joy outside of a couple hobbies. In trauma therapy for about 9 months and just now realizing how much painful crap is stuffed in my head. Best news -- we're NOT alone, and this site is a phenomenal resource!.

 

[identitycrisis]

Hi Dadzilla, thank you for your message.
It's both comforting and tragic to know that you and many others also feel disconnected and empty, you have also helped me realise that even if I fathered my own children years ago, I also would probably feel disconnected from them. I do wonder if I will ever be able to find my true self or if I have to work with building a new me from scratch. Will I ever feel 'real' or is this emptiness terminal?
I've read about 'Trauma aloness' and when I look back on my life I realise how alone and lonely in myself I've always felt.
It was also a huge step for me to admit this.
Sending you peace my friend.

 

[Dadzilla]

Hi Dadzilla, thank you for your message.
It's both comforting and tragic to know that you and many others also feel disconnected and empty, you have also helped me realise that even if I fathered my own children years ago, I also would probably feel disconnected from them. I do wonder if I will ever be able to find my true self or if I have to work with building a new me from scratch. Will I ever feel 'real' or is this emptiness terminal?
I've read about 'Trauma aloness' and when I look back on my life I realise how alone and lonely in myself I've always felt.
It was also a huge step for me to admit this.
Sending you peace my friend.

I've started to see 'glimmers' of reality and clearer connections after about months of pretty intense therapy. It's out there - DO NOT give up hope! Once you start to heal, it seems as though some of the existential 'deadness' begins to lift. At least that's been my experience early on. Peace, love and healing to you as well, friend!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi all. I'm struggling with loneliness yet I fear connecting with other people.
I'm realising that I have traumatic aloness stemming from my childhood, and that I've always felt disconnected and lonely.
I believe this is rooted in my childhood attempts to modify my authentic self to become lovable in my father's eyes, the term 'soul murder' is a perfect description. This has caused me to not really know who I really am all my life, and for me to spend many years numbing myself with a heavy cannabis use disorder to deal with the self loathing and the depression.
In the end I hated myself for being addicted to weed, but after over a year of abstinence I still feel dead inside and life seems more unbearable than ever.
I'm currently waiting for CAT therapy on an NHS waiting list in the UK.
I'm also on 45 mg Mirtazapine every day but the disconnection and loneliness is making my life unbearable.
Any helpful advice is really appreciated, even just to know that I'm not alone with my situation and mindset.
Thank you.

Hi @identitycrisis I used to be on 45mg of mirtazapine at night. Now I'm on 30mg. I also used to struggle desperately with loneliness and isolation. Life is much better now though.