I get that self destructive feeling for a few reasons and there isn't only one I think. I feel self destruction because my mother blamed me for the self destruction in my family. My family had violence and abuse and my mother decided that someone had be a target for her anger and I was it. She never actually said anything but chucking me out of home at 9 was a pretty good statement.I felt like I wasn't a good nuturer after this, even though I was.
I've done a lot of work to turn these feelings of self-destruction around and put it back on my parents where it belongs. They were the ones who were self destructive not me.
I want to be a failure sometimes. I get angry I can't fail, so I fail over and over to prove a point and feel less powerlessness again. Because there was a time of my life where my dad pychopathically failed me for tasks for months and months after I refused to be abused so I fail behavior sometimes. I try to achieve failure to ecape feeling powerlessness flashbacks sometimes. It is like I am trying to say. F###k you I will fail if I want to LOL.:confused:
I feel quiet self destructive then too, angry at myself for having bits of self destruction in me since the trauma. One part of me feels to get things done, like when I was attacked, I have to destroy things like my dad did, and that will achieve the goal. SO I swear when I work sometimes to get the progress of what I am doing moving. Another part of me disarms this by telling me I can love even when I am upset so he failed because he couldn't do this and I stop swearing. My dad achieved giving me PTSD so this statement to me it is sought of true and I have to get my mind around it.
I am also afraid of success like Curiouser mentioned. I achieved a uni degree while doing two jobs at once and then found out my stepfather used my time away from home to scream and yell and abuse my siblings. I completed it with PTSD to show them a way out of the violence in my family. It worked they all work and are in healthy relationships. but I could never get the heart to work again.
I think most humans I know all have self destructive behaviors of some kind.
I've done a lot of work to turn these feelings of self-destruction around and put it back on my parents where it belongs. They were the ones who were self destructive not me.
I want to be a failure sometimes. I get angry I can't fail, so I fail over and over to prove a point and feel less powerlessness again. Because there was a time of my life where my dad pychopathically failed me for tasks for months and months after I refused to be abused so I fail behavior sometimes. I try to achieve failure to ecape feeling powerlessness flashbacks sometimes. It is like I am trying to say. F###k you I will fail if I want to LOL.:confused:
I feel quiet self destructive then too, angry at myself for having bits of self destruction in me since the trauma. One part of me feels to get things done, like when I was attacked, I have to destroy things like my dad did, and that will achieve the goal. SO I swear when I work sometimes to get the progress of what I am doing moving. Another part of me disarms this by telling me I can love even when I am upset so he failed because he couldn't do this and I stop swearing. My dad achieved giving me PTSD so this statement to me it is sought of true and I have to get my mind around it.
I am also afraid of success like Curiouser mentioned. I achieved a uni degree while doing two jobs at once and then found out my stepfather used my time away from home to scream and yell and abuse my siblings. I completed it with PTSD to show them a way out of the violence in my family. It worked they all work and are in healthy relationships. but I could never get the heart to work again.
I think most humans I know all have self destructive behaviors of some kind.
