Self Destructiveness

[Sideways]

For what it's worth, if I waited until I didn't want to self-destruct, I'd still be destroying myself. For me, it's a Fake It Till You Make It situation:)

 

[Nevermore]

I struggle with this too. It comes in waves but there's more space and time between the waves now since I've been seeing a therapist. I'm in one now, but it's actually been a couple of months since this happened - and maybe it's more like that now rather than at first a daily struggl, then a weekly one, then monthly and now it's 2 or 3 months and I'm far less self destructive when it hits than I was.
I really relate to "My reality is a secret".
Mine too. And in many wYs it still is as I haven't revealed the extent of what happened to my therapist. I think I dread her thinking it's too much and maybe she can't help me or won't understand.
I do think it's like your own self trying to express something that's not known or validated out there in the world. Self destruction, addictions etc are secretive too.
In some way when I'm
Self destructive I feel more real - more truly in touch with who I am.
Sounds so weird, but I'm probably not the only one, I realise.
maybe it's something to do with living more honestly, validating my own feelings and honouring them and my real life.
The problem with secrets is it's hard for others to understand you and that can feel like invalidation.
But I just can't speak of it. Or not yet anyway.
I was glad to find this thread. Wish I had the answers! But it's good to feel not so alone with it.
Thank you

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Nevermore I think you touched n a lot of the things I'm thinking about. Glad for you that the waves are less often and maybe less overwhelming too.

You reminded me of something I have only recently began to feel - It's a fleeting feeling still when it happens
- I often feel truly terrible about not having been able to or not being able to explain myself to others. I mean it tears me apart it's so disressing. A couple times when this happened instead of raging negative feelings towards myself or others - it occured to me that I just couldn't have done it - It brought a wave of real calm and understanding.
I'd like to remind myself of that a bit more often :)

Came accross this quote by Maya Angelou
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

In some way when I'm Self destructive I feel more real - more truly in touch with who I am.

Totally! It does sound v strange but I totally get it!

I guess if I am able to get to a safe place, and learn better coping techniques, and continue my diary to help me get back in touch with myself and my feelings, and develope better self care, and make inroads into telling my story and continue therapy and ??????

Then I might be able to feel like myself more - without having to self destruct?

 

[Nevermore]

Yes! I think that's the way out! It's working for me. It would be amazing to get to a time of no waves at all!!
That quote is so true. Untold stories are agony. )-:

 

[norm]

Hi everyone I'm new here, I dunno if there is an introduction forum but its been the hardest day in a while so I'll get to it another login.

I think I do copious amount of drugs for three reasons: (1) escaping the immediate present by thinking about or scoring or preparing the drugs (2) escaping this world when high and then (3) being reborn and regaining a sensation of control for a day or two after crash while dopamine is rising back to normal levels.

#3 has always been the most obvious for me since I feel manic and full of hope
#2 is questionable in every way - I'm not even sure I enjoy some of the highs (i've been through many diff addictions)
#1 is the newest realization to me I just saw on a youtube video.. by switching to 'drug' mindset i switch away from anxiety within 5 seconds

#1 is likely the actual reason I do it. #1 fits my mental process but it always happened so fast, the pain of the moment disappeared so immediately, that for the past 30 years I didn't figure that one out! If I decided to do some meth or lsd or salvia right now for instance, this entire thought and everything that triggered me into coming here would be already gone by the new NOW. And it would be gone for between 1-3 days.

I've never cut myself but maybe its the same reason? I've punched myself in the face but that was purely to punish myself with reinforcement over something I kept doing, i think it may have been losing my phones. I didn't do it for more than a few weeks when I punched myself so hard I never went there again. There's no healing process which I imagine is part of the cutting ritual as the rebirth is for my drug use.