Self harm in adults with ptsd

[BlackbirdSinging]

i admire your strength just in what you wrote.

Thank you Xena. It really freaked me out because it's been so long since I've thought about doing that. And when it happened the other day I figured ok it's probably a one time thing since I felt so bad. But when it went through my head again today it really floored me.

I feel comfortable talking to my therapist about it. Even calling her if I have to. But like you said business hours. I ended up texting my best friend and saying simply "help". It was either that or go to the kitchen. It really was hard not to do it. When I've calmed down again I don't want to do it. But when the anxiety hits and overwhelms me like that it's hard. It feels like there aren't words or even tears. It makes me feel almost trapped.

I know what you mean about it not being a good tool but how it does bring you back so to speak. I just really hope I don't get back to that place. If I can avoid doing it I will. But I don't know how much of this I can take you know?

 

[Queen Boudica]

I pick at my skin, any blemish and I open up the wound with my nails, pins and tweezers till it is a huge gaping open wound and sometimes it gets infected. Worse is on my face but I have been trying to stop doing that as it is so obvious and I try to cover it with so much make up but it leaves awful scars, though I am lucky, my skin does heal quite well.

Then I moved to my arms and, when I am really in a lot of emotional pain and feeling guilt and like I am the worse, most disgusting person in the World I will scrape my skin and scratch it with anything that comes to hand, keys, paperclips, nails, pins. I never cut deep though with a knife, so I never really think of it as cutting or self harm more like a form of OCD where I can't stop picking but I guess it is self-harm.


I guess I too think it is too close to BPD. My sister was diagnosed with BPD and I think my mother had it too. I don't want to be diagnosed with BPD. My sister and my mother's behaviour were abusive and extreme. I am always trying not to be like them. That is my worst fear.

My psychologist was asking me if my sister cut, he kept asking me over and saying he was surprised she never cut, last session. I think he wanted me to tell him that I cut, but I couldn't. I was too afraid and anyway I still have this mental block I still don't think I am that bad as cutting with a knife so that is how I justify it as not cutting.

He sees the scratches and scars on my arms. But I could lie and say it was done when I was gardening or by the rabbit or cat or chickens, which some of them are, but some are not and the picking is not. Guess if he asked me direct I would answer the truth, but he asked about my sister and she never cut even though she was BPD.

I told my psychologist I was bullimic which is also self-harm but that was when I was a teenager and I stopped myself. Guess I am hoping that, by getting therapy and starting to feel better and less panics and anxiety I will stop picking and scratching but I don't want to admit to it and tell him as I am ashamed of it just like I was of the bullimia; I never wanted anyone to know. That in part is what helped me stop the bullimia was the fear that other students would find out when I was at University and in a Hall of Residence with shared bathrooms. But everyone sees the marks on my arms I just explain them away as scratches or accidents and hope they believe me, which I think most people do. Guess that makes it easier for me to continue doing it. Not sure.

 

[xena21]

I never cut deep though with a knife, so I never really think of it as cutting or self harm more like a form of OCD where I can't stop picking but I guess it is self-harm.

I can see why you look at it this way. I have severe OCD as well as self harming behaviors so I can look at both things. I don't believe I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), but traits of it in my OCD. I have a real issue with my body in general which I won't get into detail right now.

I do severely self harm by trying to break bones so I know it's in that realm, but I don't know what you would say to cross over between BDD and self harm in a diagnostic manual. I guess I would have to look it up. I'm sure it has to do with the type of anxiety it relieves and like in OCD you do rituals like pray or wash your hands to help yourself feel better and relieve anxiety. So BDD must come under that in some form. I'm not sure how self-harm takes a turn from there though

My sister was diagnosed with BPD and I think my mother had it too. I don't want to be diagnosed with BPD. My sister and my mother's behaviour were abusive and extreme. I am always trying not to be like them. That is my worst fear.

As far as you not wanting to be like them, thats understandable too...particularly them being abusive. I never could have imagined I would hurt myself, because of the family I grew up in. Not to mention all the scrutiny and religious stress I felt. I thought I was going to Hell because of it. Just because we do some things similar to what our family did or other people do, doesn't make us like them though. It just makes us hurt damaged people, trying to survive in a very difficult world.

It doesn't make you bad because you may have scratched yourself or your face in the past or even do it tomorrow. It just means you did something to help you that you learned along the way, and are trying to work through. You can put a name on it if you like, but in the overall scheme of things you are working on yourself and not your family. They are their own people. I wish you the best.

 

[xena21]

I guess I too think it is too close to BPD.

I apologize. In the last post I assumed you meant BDD but you're talking about Bipolar Disorder, correct? I just saw those letters quickly and thought Body dysmorphic disorder. (BDD) Either way, I still believe the same. It's your life and you are in control. Whether they were bipolar or not doesn't mean you are too. People cut for all sorts of reasons (even if you aren't doing it). As stated in previous posts, trauma can be a precipitator to cutting and self-harm. There are many other reasons as well. OCD for one...

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hi Xena, apologies I should not have used the abreviation. I meant borderline personality disorder, that is what my sister was diagnosed with and I think my mother had too.

I have complex trauma which is linked to borderline personality disorder but I don't think I have the extreme behaviour of my mother and sister but whenever I get angry or shout then I get triggered and think I am like them. I have this fear that what happened to my sister will happen to me and that I am like my mother. All mixed up to do with my trauma as a child. Not very good at explaining at the moment.

I think I had Body dysmorphic image when I was a teenager as I thought I was absolutely hideous and anyone who looked at me was staring at me because I was so ugly. I still lean towards that, but try and dress and put makeup on and not focus on the bad just try and emphasize the better parts. Depends, sometimes I still look at myself as hideous but I try and ignore those feelings and pull myself away from them.


When I scratch my skin it is definitely in response to feelings of disgust at myself and extreme guilt and hopelessness and emotional pain. Like I deserve to hurt more than inside my head. I want to show how much I should hurt on my flesh. But it also brings some kind of relief to the pain in my head. Like I have transferred the pain in my head and inside my body to the outside and there is a visible sign there that I have been punished for being me and the pain inside goes down because it is being felt on the outside and it is out of me not inside which is somehow easier to bear.

The picking is, I think, in response to stress and anxiety and I do it more automatically like it is OCD, if I see a blemish or spot or a bite I try to ignore it but, at times of stress, I have to pick at it to get some kind of relief.

Not sure, guess I need to talk with my psychologist but I have hidden these things all my life and still that fear like I am going even madder, like I will eventually end up hospitalised like my sister and doped up on drugs and eventually end up dead of an overdose. Can't get that out of my head. I know I am a different person, but the fear that I have a mental illness and what happened to my sister I sometimes get it too mixed up. I know that is something I need to work on. I know it is not rational, just fears in my head.

I've always tried to fight all my depression and anxiety and panic and ignore it and just keep functioning, plus I never really got just how bad my childhood was, I just thought it was what a lot of people went through, like it was almost normal and I was just this awful, daughter and it was all me, I was flawed and selfish. Too much recently and too many triggers back to my childhood and what happened to my sister, hence I ended up scratching and picking more. Guess all I can do is try and work on these things.

Sorry that is rather long winded.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((((Lizio))))))).

 

[KP the nut]

diagnosed with BPD

In the last post I assumed you meant BDD

Which is why on the forum we don't like abbreviations. Please always use the full meaning to avoid confusion.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Sorry I thought BPD was a standard abbreviation since I have read many of Anthony's posts with that very same abbreviation. Next time I will know better.

And I already apologised for using that abbreviation when I realised the confusion, so I don't see the point of telling me again when I already realised the mistake.

 

[xena21]

I have complex trauma which is linked to borderline personality disorder but I don't think I have the extreme behaviour of my mother and sister but whenever I get angry or shout then I get triggered and think I am like them. I have this fear that what happened to my sister will happen to me and that I am like my mother. All mixed up to do with my trauma as a child. Not very good at explaining at the moment.

No problem, and I understood the differences when you explained it. Like I said, I mix that stuff up a lot too. I get it.

Yes Borderline is something that can be scary to think about and when you've had first hand experience with family I can see your reason for pushing back. But people do get better, from all illnesses. I'm not saying specifically related to your family, but I hope you can look beyond the terminology of things and get the support you need to deal with what is really hurting you. Pain sucks!

 

[xena21]

Actually tonight was embarrassing for me, because I had a story all laid out for when my Mom came over and saw me limping. I figured she wouldn't buy it, but I was determined to sell it and not give up the true story, just for the shame I was feeling. I had went overboard the other night hurting myself and usually I heal without much problem and nobody knows, because I live alone and don't see anyone often. It works well in cases of self injury, just not in the area of self-help.

Tonight my Mom wouldn't let it go. I told her I tripped walking my dog and twisted it the wrong way, but she kept at it until eventually I told he I did do it to myself. Then the shame and guilt flooded in, and that look that she should have been there was in her face and I just felt more guilty. She kept reminding me the rest of the night I could call her anytime when I feel like that, and I nodded...but we both knew I wouldn't.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm sorry xena. I'm in my 30's. I haven't self harmed since right before my 30th birthday. I'm trying to not model the behavior for my kids. I have the strong suspicion that after they move out I will return to cutting. I miss it. I imagine that I miss cutting the way a heroin addict needs to get high.

It's waves of pain. It's hard to not self harm. I promised my health care provider friends I would stop beating my head on concrete because I developed bad neurological symptoms. Whoops.

 

[maddog]

When i was a very young child, my father taught and forced me to cut myself as a form of shaming torment, and by the time I was 11 or 12, I had begun initiating and engaging in this behaviour of my own accord. Strangely, initiating the very same behaviour he forced me to undertake was a form of control seeking on my part, an attempt to take control of the thing he controlled so ruthlessly... a thin, muted form of defiance I suppose.

Sadly, part of his twisted strategy was to force me to cut, and then to viciously punish me for it as though it was all my own doing and an act of greatest shame and defiance... and so I came to internalise a truly convaluted, deeply tormented mix of both feelings in relation to self harming.

By late adolescence, I had learned to control the urges for the most part, suppressing them for a number of years as part of a whole series of unyielding behavioural controls in my life, and then ultimately actually not even experiencing the urges for a number of years. Even when I first became sick at age 28, I rarely if ever felt the strong urge to cut...

Until I started intensive trauma work just recently, and holy heck... the urges returned with shattering force and have tormented me terribly ever since.

Thanks in part to the re-emergence of these urges, we have had to abandon trauma work in search of some greater coping and stabilisation tools for a while, which feels like a therapeutic step backwards, but which I know I must hold onto as a necessary deviation to shore up a wall of resistance that I thought was strong enough... but isn't, not yet.

Self harm had always been a source of greatest, greatest shame to me, one of the last frontiers in terms of things I could not talk about with my therapist for a long long time. His validation and calm, nondramatic acceptance of where I'm at has gone a long way to allowing me to confront this behaviour for what it is. Part of how I stay accountable to being safe is to give him an undertaking that I will always tell him if I do it, or if and when and in what ways the urges are bad. Staying loyal to this promise has really helped me to create some boundaries and to feel more in control of keeping myself safe.

It's hard... harder than I want to admit right now. But I'm working on it...