Self harm in adults with ptsd

[xena21]

Sometimes before I hurt myself I have intense memories or flashbacks, or I just have things that remind me of my past. I use self harm to avoid thinking about this stuff, and feeling like a "victim". I HATE that word. I tell myself, by hurting my body, I show myself just how much pain I can tolerate...therefore I am not a victim.

I guess in my mind I equate what happened to me as being weak, and I hate myself so much for it that I am always trying to show myself how much pain I can actually endure. Rationally it's crazy thinking. I hit myself 10 times in a row with a hammer to show myself I can take pain. Then I realize I need to do more because I just haven't had enough. I am so ashamed...

 

[Moony]

I feel the same way as you xena. I Self-Harm (SH), but see it as relief from all the built up emotion. I don't consider myself to be a victim..maybe an addict is a more fitting word for me? Having said that, it's been 5 months since last time. Hopefully I can make it a year :)

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a coping method that some people develop to deal with extremes. I know it's not the best method since it often comes with the regret of scars and the secrecy of hiding injuries.

Recognising why we use SH often helps with moving forward. It did for me :)

Kind Regards

 

[Britt.f7]

I've hurt myself on and off, one way or another, since I was a small child. I think I still find socially acceptable ways to do so. It feels normal, but I'm trying to find a way to get beyond that. Hard to do when it feels comfortable.

As far as harming myself in physical ways, that started when I was a small child and it evolved over time to cutting. I've also done that on and off. I can go long times without, but I started back up after my grandma died a few years ago and the last time was a few months ago. I try to combat it, but sometimes it wins out. Usually I try to remain in a safe place in my house, out of the reach of any cutting materials. It is very difficult to do. I don't call anyone. I tell myself, that, in the long run, it will not help anything. It is only short term.

I'm only 46. ;)

 

[Valentino]

Here's just a theory that came to mind:

Maybe self-harm is simply a very effective grounding and emotional numbing coping strategy, though not the healthiest option.

But, for grounding, it's very very fast, you aren't floating away from your body when your body is sending out intense pain signals.

For emotional numbing, it's a great distraction method too, your body co-opts the nervous system and emotional body's energy and focus, and shifts it to your physical pain and injury location. The mind can only really focus intently on one feeling at a time.

And maybe it also might have emotional processing benefits. An intense unresolved past emotional memory is vividly remembered and experienced. Mirroring that intensity of emotion by a similar level of intensity physical pain from self-harm, might release or neutralize the internal emotional intensity...

It is a bit of an extreme coping strategy. It's ultimately trying to just avoid feeling an emotion or shut out a past memory (which brings up that unresolved emotion). Fear of feeling emotions can be even more hazardous than fear of real danger.

Simply a speculative theory of mine, mostly just thinking out loud, maybe it might be helpful to someone.

 

[Pencil]

emotional processing benefits.

I can relate to this. I know that when I'm experiencing emotional pain that I can't deal with, I have to do something very simple, such as digging a .5 pencil into my arm for a kind of valve in my solar plexus opening and releasing pent-up emotional pain.

 

[rightkindofme]

Here's just a theory that came to mind:

Maybe self-harm is simply a very effective grounding and emotional numbing coping strategy, though not the healthiest option.

It is a bit of an extreme coping strategy. .

This is absolutely something that a therapist taught me. She said to think of this coping method as using a chain saw when you could be using a butter knife. Sometimes you need a chain saw. It's good to own a chain saw in case you need one but it's probably better to not try and cut your grass with it. Wrong tool for the job and all.

At this stage of my life I'm really loud about the theory of Harm Reduction. Anything that keeps me alive so that I have another day to try and deal with my issues is superior to not being alive. Cutting isn't good. But if I am still alive at the end instead of killing myself (let's be honest--that is what I would rather do) then it is a superior coping method.

It's how I am trying to not hate myself.

That said, I'm trying like f--- to teach my kids other coping methods. So I'm trying to learn other methods myself and keep the toolbox slammed shut on the nuclear options.

 

[Valentino]

I know society probably harshly judges physical self-harm or suicidal ideation.

BUT for some unknown reason many passive forms of self-harm and slow suicides are totally acceptable.

Many people drown out their sorrows with chemical addictions, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, over-eating; but they are totally conscious and aware that it's raising their risk of death. If the chemicals are legal, then it's a totally acceptable slow suicide, as long as the side effects aren't too harmful or dangerous to other people.

Many people also use self-hate, self-judgement, perfectionism, resentment, and self-victiming as psychological/emotional self harm, self-destruction methods. If you were to hear the 'inner voice' and 'self talk' of the average person, it'd be totally shocking. It's totally acceptable for people to say the meanest and cruelest things to themselves in their own head, and also think the meanest and cruelest things towards others in their head. But if they were to say that stuff out loud directly to others or loved ones, then it would be unacceptable in open society.

So, I don't judge physical self-harm any more worse than other more passive forms of self-harm. It takes a lot of guts to endure extreme physical pain, and yes it's a very fast coping strategy. It's also a great reminder to your conscious mind that you need attention, those physical injuries take time to heal, and you have to consciously try to hide or explain them away. In that sense, self-harm makes it harder to avoid your inner hurt and live in denial like most others in the world.

 

[Bosco2153]

I'm 60. I had a pediphile father from birth. I wet the bed as a child. I cut when I was in my early teens. I became pregnant teen and self-starved and almost lost the baby. Later I gained 50 pounds, and then again I self-starved.

I went through a phase of acting extremely ill or lied about horrific accidents that I hadn't really seen. I left society and traveled in a bus like a gypsy for a few years, then got into drugs and partying in a relationship with a psychopath who beat me and terrorized me. I packed a backpack and went down the road one time when he was drunk.

I escaped into astrology and the unknown a bit, then got into the Bible for awhile. I taught preschoolers for 25 years and then BOOM. My ptsd hit me like a train. I began picking, hitting, biting, punching and pulling my hair at the peak of it two years ago.

I now have pretty good control, but when nobody's looking I may punch my collar bone a few times. When I am 'cornered' or reminded of my ex, I suddenly find myself pummeling my head until someone stops me. I am much better than I was 2 years ago, and looking back it all seems so disgusting and I experience self-loathing.

I think more older people deal with self-harm than we think, but I think they are more private and less obvious.

 

[xena21]

I think more older people deal with self-harm than we think, but I think they are more private and less obvious.

I wondered about that too. As a young person self harm might be more difficult to hide too with all the other kids around all the time in school, and being around adults because you have to. As an adult it's a lot easier to isolate to the extreme (at least for me it is) to the point where I don't see anyone for days. So nobody would know if I hurt myself.

 

[Pencil]

As an adult it's a lot easier to isolate to the extreme

That's true, unless you have kids. I have absolutely no privacy.

 

[xena21]

Pencil - Very true. I guess I never had that perspective as an adult, but I can imagine it being difficult to get alone time when you want. Is that a good thing you think? I mean does it stop you from hurting yourself most of the time?

 

[rightkindofme]

Pencil - Very true. I guess I never had that perspective as an adult, but I can imagine it being difficult to get alone time when you want. Is that a good thing you think? I mean does it stop you from hurting yourself most of the time?

Yes it has absolutely changed my self-harming patterns. I will not model it in front of them which means I don't do it any more. I haven't in a year and a half. I've had up to four years in between self-harming periods in the past. I'm hoping I can make it 15-18 years this time. :)