Self harm in adults with ptsd

[I wish]

I started self harm as a middle-aged adult. I burn my forearm. I would do it when my feelings of sadness were overwhelming. I don't think it's a terrible thing to do. It's a somewhat effective coping mechanism.

I haven't done it in 3 months and hope I won't ever again. My husband gets upset/hurt when he sees it. I'm around kids and I would be embarrassed if they saw my marks.

 

[soulstar]

Xena21, Thank you for starting this forum...I'm not sure if you were all still discussing. Please post if you are all still discussing this important topic. Would like to share.

 

[piratelady]

Soulstar: You are always welcome to share.

Me: I have been struggling lately not to self-harm, or on how to hide it. The need to self-harm has been very strong lately. The problem is I am in a new relationship and would have a very hard time either hiding or explaining the cuts. I keep racking my brain trying to find a way to make it inconspicuous but have yet to find a solution...or a way to deal with the feelings in another manner.

 

[rightkindofme]

Lately I want to cut a lot. It feels like I need to be silent way more than I am. No one wants to hear what I have to say. I am better at being quiet if I have cuts on my legs because I press my fingers on the cuts any time I feel my mouth open and then I have to inhale a lot of air to manage the pain and I don't speak. It is a perfect system.

But I don't want to model cutting and I have a two year old and a five year old and they give me no body privacy. I can't cut.

 

[soulstar]

I am in my 30s and have been suffering from severe PTSD and major depression from the PTSD since I was in my 20s. Although I had my moments of self injury when I was an adolescent, it was intermittent. Right after the trauma though I fell deep into self injury. For the last four or five years or so, though, I had been self injury free which did feel good (really good) even though I still struggled with the PTSD.

I was recently triggered by some events and now I had a couple of months dealing with this. I feel utterly alone in it. The urge comes on far too strong. I agree with you PirateLady, there needs to be another way of dealing with these feelings in a more productive manner. I put myself into therapy and I'm giving it a try, although telling my therapist about this seemed to have freaked her out enough to send me to a psychiatrist for medication whom I haven't told about it yet. She is still treating me although she wants to make sure that my medication is appropriate and whether I need more or less. I don't know.

It upsets me that I was never on any medications until the trauma in my 20s. I think at this point-I will tell the Psych. I am asking for help so I should be honest at this point. When I asked the therapist that she must have some patients that do this….her response was ‘well once or twice a year’…basically not as much as I am and that’s why she wants me to see a Psych as well. I don’t think comparison in that respect is helpful to me right now. I need to be honest with her about that type of comparison and how it makes me feel. I have an appointment today and since I have been 3 weeks without doing anything, her response to me engaging in it again (like if she gets angry at me) will either make or break my going back to her seriously.

In general, though, I feel like instead of a scarlet A, I’m left with a scarlet S, for self injurer. Why is something so serious met with such a lack of understanding and empathy? I feel like that.

Although I have been engaging in cutting, I'm more of one who causes serious black and blue when I want to. I need to stop this. I have a life to live. I want to live free...free of feeling unsafe and free of self harm. When I feel that someone is angry toward me or I've done something I feel is unacceptable and I'm angry at myself, that is when I do this, also when I get too stressed out about a situation.....I want to feel that what I do and say is acceptable and that I can deal appropriately with the world around me.

It is extremely addictive and I'm trying everything I can to stop it now before I get too lost in the world of self injury. I empathize with all of you on this site and my prayers go out to all.... Since I have felt how good it was to be self injury free for quite a few years, I know that it can happen and how empowering it feels. I want to heal and not hurt. I know that there is hope for all on this cite. My prayers to all.

 

[rightkindofme]

If you are still actively cutting I strongly urge you to consider seeing a Harm Reduction specialist. Therapists trained in Harm Reduction will not freak out or shame you. They will talk with you frankly about what positive benefit you get from your current behavior and they will help you puzzle out why it is happening and brainstorm other options of things to do. Without shaming you or acting like you are toxic waste.

I am on the waiting list at the Harm Reduction Therapy Center in my area since my former therapist in their collective had to stop being a therapist for personal reasons. My current therapist is not an HR person and ... it's harder to talk to her. I feel more judged. I feel more like I have to present the "good" face instead of the real face.

For many many years I cut almost daily. If a therapist freaks out about your level of self-injury that probably isn't a therapist who will be able to effectively help you. (S)he will be too busy dealing with their own feelings to properly focus on you in my opinion. That is how my experiences have gone.

 

[piratelady]

They will talk with you frankly about what positive benefit you get from your current behavior and they will help you puzzle out why it is happening and brainstorm other options of things to do. Without shaming you or acting like you are toxic waste.

I couldn't agree with this more. My therapist doens't have the title, "Harm Reduction Specialist" but he has tried to help me with my self-harm in that way. He has never made me feel bad about what I do. We try to find a replacement coping mechanism to do instead of cutting.

It has worked for a few months now, but lately the stress has been too much for my current coping styles. At this point I'm just trying to make it until the 18th, that is when I have my next appointment with my therapist. I guess I need to think of and try as many other coping things as I can in the mean time.

Soulstar: I hope you are able to find a therapist that can help you with your self-injury. I would be interested to hear how your appointment goes.

 

[soulstar]

Okay so the therapist wasn't angry with me about self harming again, but keeps pushing me toward psychiatry. The therapist says that I 'must' see a psychiatrist in order to continue our therapy. So at the end of my therapy appointment in which I disclosed hurting myself, the conversation shifted toward billing and how I owe a lot of money and hadn't been paying the right amount. So I went home and hurt myself. I went to the next appointment. When I showed up to my therapist's office, I sat down and 3 minutes in, I was startled by someone else coming in. I had been double booked. Although i had been communicating to my therapist just the day before that I was in crisis, I was the shorter end of the stick and had to go home. She said maybe this means I won't need her as much? I went home and self harmed again. Now I'm noticing when I self harm-----she is included as one of the triggers. Maybe I'm being too hard on her. I do not know.

 

[xena21]

Hi Soulstar, to me it sounds like she is uncomfortable treating you for some reason or doesn't see the entire picture. At least that is what it appears from what you are saying. I don't understand why she would send you home if you just told her you were self injuring, and if money is the issue than she definitely is not the one for you. That's my opinion.

I hope you can find someone that doesn't judge your self injury and cares more about you than the money.

 

[Maggiemay]

*hugs* to all fellow self harmers.

I'm 29 & self harmed a lot between 19 and 21 (I totally destroyed my body - not got much skin I haven't scared!), then I relapsed last year, then again this past week. I'm a cutter, but also bruise myself intentionally.

Scariest thing is most recent episode this week, I don't remember doing. I must have proper dissociated which doesn't bode well...

 

[soulstar]

Thank you Xena. I am going to follow my gut and the good advice you have given. She is not comfortable- you are right. I need to move on to someone who is comfortable and will provide more of a safe haven for me right now.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm so upset with myself. I'm very anxious right now and got all worked up and for the first time in I don't know how many years I cut.