Self harm in adults with ptsd

[xena21]

I know that feeling you have after you have self injured...that shame or anger you get at yourself for giving in and I wish I could offer you some helpful tips to get rid of it, but it always comes after (for me anyways). I hope you are feeling better now than you were this afternoon. Just because you cut today doesn't mean every other day in your past that you didn't cut is a waste though, or that you have to do it again. I hope you can find that source of strength you've had or a person to talk to.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I know that feeling you have after you have self injured...that shame or anger you get at yourself for giving in and I wish I could offer you some helpful tips to get rid of it.

Thank you so much Xena. I was a wreck this afternoon. An absolute wreck. And after I cut myself I was ashamed and disgusted and sad and angry with myself. I sat and took some deep breaths and just spaced out for awhile. Now every time I see what I did I feel so much shame. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't feel angry with myself anymore. I feel really sad that I did that. I can't bring myself to tell one of the people I trust most in the world who knows that I used to do that. I'm just so ashamed. In some ways I feel like by not telling I've gone right back into my old ways of keeping secrets. My therapist is out of the office this week so I'm stuck trying to deal with this without her. And really without the support of anyone else except the people I speak to here. I'm so grateful for your supportive words.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm sorry you feel so bad about yourself. I don't actually feel ashamed of myself for cutting. I know it is a bad coping method to model for my kids. I think if an adult needs to do it in order to cope that is just life.

I am intensely suicidal. A long time ago I decided that anything that kept me live another day was ok even if it wasn't *good*.

 

[soulstar]

I'm really having a hard time as I just broke off from therapy. Sometimes, whether it be good for me or not, everything feels like an immense loss. When I get like this, I feel literally so sick to the point that I cannot eat. I feel like I did some years back right before I was hospitalized.

 

[soulstar]

Anyway, I am trying hard not to self harm, over guilt. Guilt that I lost time and money and maybe that I hurt the therapist in the process, even though she really didn't put up a big fight when I broke it off (there was no 'good luck,' 'call me if you need to' -nothing). On the one hand, it gives me the impression that she was relieved. On the other hand, I feel that once again, am i not worthy to be cared out. Oh my goodness, I told way too much to her too.

 

[DharmaGirl]

although telling my therapist about this seemed to have freaked her out

Maybe you should look for a therapist who has years of experience in trauma. I think it would be easier. I haven't self harmed in a while but now I am out of ativan so we will see.

 

[Pencil]

Soulstar, have you got a new therapist?

 

[soulstar]

Yes I recently started with a new one (after the advice on this thread) but it still hurts so badly. I feel so sickened by all the things the last one did and said. And I told her so much. What if she is unethical and reveals? I feel more sickened by how I ended it by 'beating around the bush' and not being assertive and direct.

The new one, though, seems really good (very calm and reassuring) but I don't know (haven't really asked) if she is able to see me as much as the last one was which was 2x a week. As long as she has time in the schedule it should be okay, right? The frequency of visits with the last one was b/c I'm trying to curb a total relapse into S.harm again and trying to curb a nervous breakdown. But then the 'now' ex therapist became a trigger for self harm. But at this point, whether the last one was able to see me as much is probably beside the point, she was poisoning me with such negative words I guess. I feel so nerved up.

As I said, I have a hard hard time with loss, even good loss. I keep trying to figure out what I did so wrong with the other one so as not to repeat it. But all I did was 'being completely honest.' I want to be able to be completely honest with the new one.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have seen my therapist twice a week for a year and a half. I see no reason why it wouldn't be all right. I also go to a PTSD group, is there one in your area? You did nothing wrong, the therapist was not a good fit, or even a good therapist. Have you been able to process any of the hurt from that relationship with your new therapist?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand the hurt, and worry, and blaming yourself. Its not you, you did the right thing by leaving and I hope your new therapist will help with the pain.

 

[soulstar]

I have an appointment tomorrow and I want to talk the pain but I don't want to appear that I have some attachment disorder or anything. I've just been through alot and had suffered serious trauma. The interesting part about post traumatic stress is the continual losses one feels afterward since no one, well at least in my experience, seems to be able to handle the PTSD (although I didn't quite tell them I had PTSD, but dropping over 20 pounds and nearly dying from it should have been a good sign to them). Maybe that is not a correct analysis. But to me, it seems that I would have recovered more or sooner, if I didn't lose so many people in the process. All they left behind was dust. That in, itself, is another brings on a whole other realm of trauma at least in my experience.

 

[soulstar]

Thank you for your replies by the way. It has helped me 'do no harm.' I'm having such urges but I don't want to give the therpist anymore power at this point. My only regret is that I hurt my stomach after one office visit with her and I need another way of looking at it so that if it ends up scarring I will not always be reminded of this therapist.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm fighting the urge. I'm struggling.