Seriously Need Help Right Now!

[Deleted member 27340]

SO a little back story and info for you first so that this might actually make sense.

I moved to the town I'm in now about a year and a half ago. I started in the same class as two guys, let's call them T1 and T2 (we've all got the same first letter). The minute they learned that I'm into music they asked me to join their band. Then they begged me. A while after, T3 joined the band too. Now they had a drummer, a bassist and a guitarist. They still need a singer.

I sing, I take classes, I've done that for a year. I REALLY want to join the band because I love music and I've always dreamt about becoming an artist, mainly singing. T1-3 and I are a tight group of friends. I know pretty much everything of the intern in their band, and have joined them to listen many times. I've designed their logo, and will this weekend help them put up a webpage and Facebook-page as well as helping them fixing copyright stuff.

This is... today T1 asked me to help them write an announcement searching for a singer. They've given me up, finally. It tears me down that I've had the opportunity for so long, and wanted it so bad, and now it's soon to be gone. I've probably got till the weekend to change my mind. (started crying now)

They are so good at playing, they've got great ambitions and great opportunities. Even if I suck as bad at singing as I tell myself I do (I know I've improved extremely over the past year even though I've almost never practiced at home), I could give some to the band anyway because I've got contacts, I understand the industry, can write songs and have a shitload of experience to take from if the ideas for song lyrics are running out. Still, I start shaking only thinking about playing with them. I'm so anxious about stuff like that that I can't even practice in my own room, with the door shut, unless there is no-one in the house. If anyone is in the house, or even just out in the garden, I freak out and all I can get out is mumbling.

You know when you're sitting on a chair, balancing it on two of its feet and it starts to tip backwards? The feeling of fear when you realize you're going to go straight down onto the floor? It's like that. Even when someone asks me to perform something or just jam with them, it's there. It doesn't go away until I've said no about ten times and they've said "OK, just sit there". The feeling is there even thinking about it. And when I've got to actually DO it? Oh man. I shake, cry, hyperventilate and break down. Full-blown anxiety attack. Still -- let's go back to the chair metaphor -- I obviously don't want to hit the floor (the floor is now chickening out and missing the opportunity and regret it for the rest of my f*cking miserable life) but when the weight is tipped over there's no stopping it. And hey, the anxiety does go away, right? Goes away, without giving you anything back for its visit.

I want want want want want to join that band. I want to do music. I can't. I can't even practice at home. Even if you don't know jack about music I guess you can imagine it needs lots of practice. Meaning, I don't get anywhere at all. I'm stuck here with my dreams that'll never come true because I'm a f*cking chicken without any back bone or guts or bravery -- nothing at all. I'll stay forever on the floor where no-one can see me because I'm too afraid to look up and stare the fear on the other side of the table in the eyes. I'm a chicken with no future, and if I don't quit being a chicken I'll regret letting this opportunity to join a band pass me by for the rest of my life. What if they get big and get to live their life on a stage, doing what they love, while I lay around on the floor looking at where I COULD've been if I hadn't been such a coward?

They don't even care if the singer can sing, as long as he or she is willing to have fun, play, practice and sing about the topics the band care about (politics, society, mental illness -- the irony -- and f*cked up shit going on plus some of the occult because it's cool)!

I should forever wear a sign around my neck with neon-pink letters reading "COWARD".

What the f*ck can I do. I know exactly why I've got to not let this pass me, but I can't make myself do it. Last time I was about to enter a stage I just froze. No mater how hard I tried I couldn't move my feet, and I ended up running in the other direction till I found a place to hide and freak out.

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Breathe. That's step one. You have to trust yourself. Try it out if it doesn't work out then it's better living with the question what if? I know it's easier to hide but it can be toxic step out sounds like you trust these guys and they you. You can do it! Try, try, and try again.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@Hydrotroop91 I can't breathe when I'm upset. My breath just seem to stop, then it's impossible to sing well and I get even more stressed causing the breathing to get worse again and well you get the cycle. How can I trust myself when I always fail myself? That's how I think, I don't want to live with "What if?". I really don't, there's just something in me making me unable to face that fear. I trust them, yeah. Makes it even worse, because if I screw up it's not like I can blow it off with "I'll probably never see them again" or "I'll just make sure to push them away". I already tried by listening to them practicing, I'm always asked to sing, I always say no without thinking because I get to frightened. I hate it. I hate this anxiety. I hate my lack of self-control and bravery. I wish I had been stronger during my childhood so that I maybe hadn't developed this strong anxiety, but of course, it's me, I'm neither strong nor brave.

This one was more venting. Sorry for seeming stubborn, I just feel stuck. I know there's nothing more to do about it than what you say, but I just don't dare to.

 

[Changing4Best]

Try singing to a doll or a stuffed animal. Try singing to yourself in a mirror. Then try singing in your room with the door shut even though someone is at home. Then when more folks are at home. Then just practice with the band. If they do get a singer from the ad, they can always have two singers even if it takes you awhile to get the courage.

I sing in our church's choir. I was so reluctant. Folks told me I have an excellent singing voice, but I just felt like I could not do it. Finally when the choir director asked me and she found a way to overcome all my objections, I had no excuses left. So I joined and I am very happy I did so. Once I get up on the stage, once I open my mouth to sing, I forget everything else. It is just the music, the choir and me.

Try it, you have nothing to lose, everything to gain!

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Yeah it's fun to sing in church. Lol no one can hear me over the praise band! Lol plus I play bass and have no microphone. Otherwise the dogs would be summoned.

I know where you are at Trauma. I've been there and I know the feeling all too well like your lungs are missing. I don't know how to explain the just do it part because I just did it. It's kinda like the zip line I did last year and high ropes course I am very afraid of heights but was a church camp conselor and had to do it. I was pushed off the tower both times because I looked down and was afraid to jump. But once I was off and let go I had a blast. I guess the moral is don't look down at the bad possibilities. Look forward and do your best. In time it'll happen. I hope this makes as much sense here as it did in my mind. Lol and I can't wait to hear your singing voice one day!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Being in a band takes a lot of time and could derail your studies. I've been there and there are always future opportunities for studio back up singers and what not. I did radio, paying gigs ect and my grades always went to crap during those moments.

When you are ready...the right opportunity will unfold in the right season.:hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Trauma

This is my first comment here. I've been visiting the site for a few days now, reading and learning. Seeing this thread has convinced me to register.

Have you visited Pete Walker's site?

His explanation of the perfectionism and the fear of failure seems to ring true as a perfectly logical action to minimise the cues that we might give off to potential abusers, and to try to make ourselves less likely to be rejected.

If you have the time (and if you are in the frame of mind to read) It is worth reading his four Fs typology and his pieces on the inner and outer "critics"

A friend introduced me to some really good mindfulness techniques a couple of weeks back. They were developed for depression, which is how she was introduced to them, but they seem to be really effective all around. search youtube for: Audiobook : The Mindful Way through Depression - by J. Mark G. Williams [ Full ]

Actual fear is a very strange thing. I'm terrified of heights, but the triggering of that fear only happens in certain circumstances - for example watching a mad Ukranian guy's videos of free climbing high buildings in Russia, and swinging his girlfriend over the edge of a skyscraper roof (she's smiling and laughing) has my knuckles going white and gives me really funny feelings in my legs, as I try to move away from the drop - even though I know that I'm just watching a video on a tiny laptop screen.

While those videos trigger me, I used to own a microlight - and looking over the side of a little open fibreglass pod, never triggered me. One day at the airfield, the guys were looking for someone to go up a ladder and fix something six metres up on the wall of the hanger - none of us would do it - we were all scared to hell of heights, but not in the context of flying.

I also used to explore old mines, and could happily abseil down a 100m deep mine shaft, or traverse around the top of a big cave - in the dark. If it had been light, I would probably have been triggered.

There may be similar ways to get around your adrenaline response, without triggering it.

Be kind to yourself as you experiment, think of it as an exploration. If you run into a fear response, give yourself a big mental hug and when you're ready, try something slightly different; Is there anywhere really noisy you can go? something like a bridge over a really noisy road, or near a really noisy waterfall? where you can sing and you know that no one can hear you even if they walk to within a few metres of you.

One of the effects of stress responses - is it lessens our ability to think of the long term - the survival response that has been triggered is concerned with keeping us safe in the next seconds and minutes - it evolved to get us away from wolves, bears, big cats etc, even if the response is a false alarm, the alarm we feel and its effects on us are still very real. MRI scans of the brain activity of people experiencing stress responses show that large areas of the brain become quiet, as resources are prioritised on rapid survival responses.

If you have a method of calming yourself - breathing exercises, slowly enjoying exploring the taste of a little piece of chocolate, going for a run... some way to get the adrenaline down, those large areas of your brain that were shut down in the stress response, which will gradually become available to you again.

If the guys do get a singer, it might help by taking away some of the pressure to perform. That would allow you to be ready in your own time. You could even surprise them all.

 

[Recovery4Me]

http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm
This one is free. He has a book I found enlightening as well, rather inexpensive and on kindle. If interested I will place in the name.

 

[Anarchy]

There's a lot of interesting reading on Pete walker's site. I think that the bits which could be particularly relevant to this thread, are the bits about all four F responses to stress: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn, and which responses each individual tends to over develop.

Then the bits about the critic which we develop as a way to try to keep us out of danger

the critic which (usually mistakenly) tells us that we're no good, not good enough, too this or too that to be acceptable to others

and the catastrophic and drastic thoughts which seem to so easily pop up to the surface.

I'm not so keen on his trying to use made up big words, his use of biological and engineering metaphors as though they were real, or his heavy emphasis on parental abuse and neglect.

Although Parental abuse and neglect certainly do happen, and are a sufficeint cause, I don't think that they are a necessary cause in every case, and taking Walker's emphasis too seriously could well end up trashing some "good enough" relationship with parents

The argument that as C-PTSD can result from parental abuse or neglect, someone has C-PTSD, therefore they must have been abused or neglected, is circular - it "begs the question".

I think there is pretty good science now showing that exposure to high levels of stress hormones in the last third of pregnancy results in much higher susceptibility to stress responses throughout the lives of the young, and that the offspring of those stress prone females are likely to suffer high levels of stress hormones and heightened stress responses - and so "unto the fourth and fifth generations..."

For some of the Science background - there are some good videos of lectures on pre-natal stress and epigenetic inheritence by Robert Sapolsky, posted on youtube.

Sapolsky's science is good - I would argue that the political conclusions which both he and the excellent Gabor Mate draw, are deeply contradictory and would fail on their own terms - unfortunately Dunning -Kruger strikes again. Larken Rose' "outside the cage" would give a non partizan and reasoned critique of those kind of conclusions - for anyone who's interested.

Ok, I've probably gone too far down that rabbit hole ;-)