Set a boundary today

[KA60]

My father in a phone conversation with me 2 days ago asked me about my husbands and I relationship and our finances. This is his pattern with me other family members many of whom are deceased or scattered across the US. I live 1900 miles away. Today I called him told him I will not accept any questions about my relationship or my finances. He said why did something happen? You won't talk to me or your brother about it either? And On. This is his pattern. Grilling controlling belittling etc. I don't care anymore if he does not realize he is doing it or the effects on others. I do.

 

[Sideways]

Today I called him told him I will not accept any questions about my relationship or my finances.

This sounds like a really good decision to make on your own behalf. Particularly knowing how your relationship with him has been in recent times.

With setting boundaries, in addition to be being clear about what our limit is (for example: your limit here is questions about your relationship or finances), it can sometimes be helpful to be clear in our mind about the next step - what happens if that boundary is not respected?

Knowing that in advance can be really helpful in navigating the situation if/when the person ignores our boundary (because, people who need us to set boundaries tend to be the kind of people that ignore boundaries, right!?). It means that in addition to being clear about what we will no longer accept, we have a clear plan on how to navigate it calmly if that’s not respected.

We can’t control other people’s behaviour, and we can’t force them to respect our boundaries. We can be ready with a plan to protect ourselves calmly if and when we need to.

Do you have an idea in your mind about how you might handle the situation if he asks you about your relationship or finances despite you having set this boundary?

No pressure to answer - hopefully just a helpful thing to think about:)

 

[KA60]

Yes. Thank you sideways. I fully expect him to violate my boundaries. This is my father. With me other family members. A bully with traits of narcissism. Now he and I are grey rock. I am the one calling if I want to talk to him. If he brings up topics besides the weather asks questions or makes statements not acceptable I will end the call. I expect to have to do this. I may falter on my boundaries but will keep at it. I will be posting on here for support. I am grieving the loss of a father of parents I thought existed. AKA I was the problem. No I was not. He is 89. Health failing.