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Sexual orientation and traumas -- a place to share your struggle with sexuality

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At 48 growing up in Mississippi the worst thing you could be or fear you could have was the thought of being gay. That is such a sad thing to write and say. My first sexual experience was at 2 or 3 (all I know is I could walk, talk and had my 4rth birthday at a different house). A boy my age down the street gave me a blow job and wanted me to give him one but I declined. In retrospect this was really nothing but it haunted me. Around 13 gay men started hitting on me and I was almost raped on vacation at 14. I was so ashamed I told no one. If gay men were hitting on me did they know something I did not? I had this misconception that if I just had sex with a woman that would mean I wasn't gay and that was why I had sex the first time. Not out of love or any reason that would be right but out of fear I could be gay thinking this would alleviate that fear. I think why your thread has stuck a cord is figuring out your sexual orientation is traumatic in and of itself if you are gay or straight but have yet to figure it out.

I've always wondered what would have happened to me if I were raped on that vacation. I don't know and never will. Looking back I think how silly all of this sounds but the power society exerts over how we feel about ourselves is strong. That said society is moving in the right direction. My wife is a teacher and will be chaperoning prom tonight where there will be straight couples, gay couples, transgender kids and a lot of kids who go single (not an option in my day) in large groups. We have moved forward. If I had to guess what effect sexual trauma has on people my guess would be it's possible it could change orientation but since the majority of people who are raped are women and those that were heterosexual typically stayed heterosexual I would guess the effect is minimal but the trauma is great. I'm also thinking the spectrum of sexuality not being fixed is correct. If the macho asshole in high school grew up in early Rome he would have been gay or bisexual. Same with early Greece. What I do know about myself now is I can't help being straight. I did not choose it. It's just the way things worked out. Were it a choice my gay friends in high school would never have chosen to make life so difficult to go against the norm by being gay. We simply are what we are. Excellent thread by the way.
 
@Hooper I wasn't able to reply to your post at first, because it's thought provoking, basically. But I want you to know that I'm glad you shared :)

In retrospect this was really nothing but it haunted me.
I think it would haunt everyone, or st the very least really confuse them. I don't think that was nothing.

figuring out your sexual orientation is traumatic in and of itself if you are gay or straight but have yet to figure it out.
It can be, yes. Realizing you even COULD be something that's just plain unacceptable in many cultures -- your story speak to that pretty clearly.

I've always wondered what would have happened to me if I were raped on that vacation. I don't know and never will.
I'm glad you weren't. I hope the what-ifs lessen and lessen for you

Looking back I think how silly all of this sounds but the power society exerts over how we feel about ourselves is strong.
It doesn't sound silly to me -- I think you're right about this.

What I do know about myself now is I can't help being straight. I did not choose it. It's just the way things worked out.
I remember this man going around large cities asking people if they felt being gay was wrong. When one guy started saying that people choosing to do that was gross and wrong, the interviewer casually asked, "Can we tell us about when you chose to become straight?" It was an interesting video
 
Oh wow, what an awesome thread! Thank you @littleoc for creating it!

I actually don't know what I am and I probably never will. I've thought about being bisexual/demisexual/heterosexual ... I honestly don't have a clue. I was never sexually abused, so I feel like my case is by far not as difficult to handle as all of your cases. It's terrible what happened to so many people on here, I always feel awful reading your posts and I just wish I could take all this pain from you.

It once occurred to me that maybe because all of my bullies in school were girls, I can never allow myself to fall in love with a woman. I do get sexually aroused by watching lesbian porn (not when its made for men, this kind of porn just scares me:O_o:), but I never ever had a crush on a girl. I can find women that I don't know beautiful, I can imagine being in a relationship with a hypothetical faceless woman, and I also occasionally have dreams about having sex with strange women. But I see the women in my life as sisters and friends, nothing more. I am never sexually attracted to any woman I personally meet.
So I thought that I might be afraid of becoming vulnerable in front of a woman and therefore repress any romantic feelings. I grew up being abused by them since I was about 4 years old (in kindergarten, and then later in primary and high school). It kind of makes sense because I find girls (that I can look up to from a distance) who seem very kind and caring the most beautiful.
Thin is ... I have a boyfriend, so I can't just go and kiss a girl to find out if I like it. :laugh:
On the other hand ... I also never really had a crush on a boy, and I was always confused about that. I can't feel this infatuation everyone seems to talk about. I need to know someone very well to fall in love with them. That makes a romantic encounter with a woman kind of impossible, lol - excluding that I am already in a relationship, haha.

Ohhh and whats funny too is that I am almost exclusively attracted to guys with feminine faces, I don't like guys who are packed with muscles for example. I find the female body sexy, but not so much the male body, haha ... although after some time I kind of "grew fond of it", if you can say that. I don't know how to say it otherwise. There are just some things now that I find beautiful when looking at my man that I didn't see before.
Phew, sexuality is just a big big big mystery to me.
 
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Littleoc,
I'm glad you enjoyed what I wrote and that it made you think. I don't see a lot of critical thinking going on these days. Since I wrote this I realized I did tell one friend about the vacation incident. He was my history teacher, is gay and is one of my best friends. I asked him what I did wrong and he said nothing. He was fired from the private school I went to for being gay but he never hit on me although we were close. I hadn't talked to him in many years. I had a feeling he felt guilty about crossing the student teacher line but that was it as far as crossed lines. When I asked him he said he was very careless. I told him having a gay teacher a kid can trust should be a requirement in schools based on the great relief he gave me being able to openly talk to him about it. For whatever reason he was floored.
There is no weight to my what if question of what would have happened if I was raped. I know it sounds odd but I'm glad it happened to me as horrifying as it was. I learned a great lesson that night. That guy was so smooth in how he lured me to his condo. I can now pass it on to my sons. As for society's power over our behavior I quit fighting that battle a long time ago. I remember trying to fit in, work in corporate America and all the other crap that led me away from me being me until one day I just said to hell with it. I am done making excuses for who I am or what others think. I am considered an eccentric/not quite right guy in the neighborhood who no one can figure out how I landed my wife. Hell I can't for that matter. Trying to be what I am not is such hard work so I just dealt with life as me being me and it's been a hell of a lot more fun. It just takes some adjustments on other peoples parts but luckily most people find me humorous so in time they figure me out. I firmly believe if everyone told the truth we'd all be comedians but most people aren't willing to tell on themselves. I do fear it is going to get worse (my eccentricities) with age because I care less and less about little crap with each passing year. It's that 1 in 4-5 women getting raped and dealing with what happened to my wife that keeps me up late at night spouting about the world as I see it on anonymous forums hoping I can help someone which helps me, make people think and if all else fails make someone laugh even if it is at my expense. Again I have really enjoyed your thread.
hooper
 
@Juso I am demisexual. I only realised it later in life. But its who I am. It's not the total sum of labelling I could use but I realised it's really important. I have begun to think it makes betrayal fundamentally harder, for example. I have an acquaintance who is aromantic and yet fell in love ( for me its only been twice) once and we discussed this aspect of betrayal in love bonds and the peculiarity in people who are rare bonders and the differences we faced ( she is not asexual and as an aromatic still has sexual attraction without love, where as I only have real attraction with love... AND the biological chemistry).

It would be interesting to know if these types of sexuality have a different propensity for ptsd after sexual trauma.

It's also refreshing to read someone potentially idinv as demi sexual. I have had to explain it to my therapist etc, any friends it's been a topic with.
 
@Mee : Oh its so nice to hear that you also identify as demisexual! When I first heard about it that term (I think it was a youtube video) I was like "bitch thats me!!" Haha. Its just what describes me best in that matter. So I am pretty sure I am in that spectrum, the only thing I am confused about is if I am attracted to women AND men or only to men.
And yes you are absolutely right, it does make betrayal fundamentally harder. Like I said, I was never sexually abused, but physically and emotionally during my whole childhood and adolescence up until I was about 17 years old. So trust issues have always been a problem. I am very careful when it comes to trusting someone, let alone getting close to them in an intimate way. I am very scared of that, and that fear only goes away when I have a deep emotional connection to someone. Only then does my body experience attraction.
I guess it has to do with safety and control. If you made sure someone really cares about you, you can probably allow yourself to trust them.
 
It would be interesting to know if these types of sexuality have a different propensity for ptsd after sexual trauma.

I like that you've sort of turned this argument on it's head. So many of us wonder if our sexuality was shaped by abuse, rather than was our PTSD shaped by our sexuality. That's definitely something to think on! :)
 
It's also refreshing to read someone potentially idinv as demi sexual. I have had to explain it to my therapist etc, any friends it's been a topic with.
My family laughs at such terms, and therefore I'm usually afraid to bring it up (yet, most of them are fine with me being gay!), but I've identified as a demi as well.

For me, maybe abuse did "cause" it, because I'm always careful about who I like. I'm always checking and rechecking for red flags. But I never find people attractive unless I know them well -- a doctor once told me it was because of my prosopagnosia (facial blindness; I can't recognize my friends) but I have my doubts about this.
 
I like that you've sort of turned this argument on it's head. So many of us wonder if our sexuality wa...

Abuse impacted on my sexual behaviour and experimentation but not who I really am. My trigger incident happened after I was fully cognisant of my sexual identity and I think it's part of why it hit harder than previous violations.

@littleoc
Sadly not all we give our hearts to can be trusted : I think this is far worse than any physical violation. But I say that from the perspective of a demi sexual who only loved ’fully’ trustingly twice.
 
I've thought long and hard about this topic, sensitive issue for me.
I realized I also liked the female gender before my sexual abuses with men.
I was probably 7 or 8 when I first kissed a girl, she was from a very conservative family and made my life a living nightmare afterwards.
The second girl I liked was this new girl in school who pitched my best friend against me, we were 11 by then. I swore off women then and decided it was wrong for me to pursue anything, that I should be straight because that was the right thing to do in society. I met another girl just before I moved countries that was extremely depressed, didn't take care of herself. I felt the need to take care of her, but she was straight.

Then the sexual abuses happened, the trying to save my father too, and I started a long career of taking care of abusive men.
The idea of being bisexual only showed when I was alone, I disclosed it to a then boyfriend and he made fun of me saying I only endured his abuses because I was secretly gay. After him I wasn't, still can't, have serious relationships.

I tried treating this mess in therapy but my past Ts were either homophobic, or didn't think it was important.

I have a deep seated shame due to not being true to myself, to not be able to live my desires.
Currently, being also unable to form intimate relationships with any gender, I'm taking the time to take care of myself and allow myself to feel what I should've felt all these years.
I still have deeply ingrained in my head that I should be straight, even though marriage and kids are things that I don't want for myself I still feel I should do it just to fit in and prove myself worthy of being in society.
Last T wanted so hard for me to be normal and conventional that I'm still reprogramming all the bulkhead, such as "a kid needs both a mother and a father to be healthy" and that kind of crap.
 
Last T wanted so hard for me to be normal and conventional that I'm still reprogramming all the bulkhead, such as "a kid needs both a mother and a father to be healthy" and that kind of crap.
Your past boyfriend and this therapist have problems :(

I'm so sad a therapist acted like that at you.

I hear this arguement from my twin brother frequently. He is very conversative and religious (he's autistic and thinks of it all in black and white) and during the time that it was being debated whether gay marriage should be legal in the U.S., he started showing me "papers" which did not use sound sciences to "prove" that children can't be raised correctly without a mother and father. The reasons given were absolutely ridiculous, and funny coming from my brother, who hates our dad just like the rest of us. So our mom ended up raising us. Weakly, but we came out alive and 75% of them functioning well. Two of us graduating from university this month.

But it did really, really bother me to know that was a real argument threatened people used. I started worrying that if I had a boy or adopted a boy, he'd be low on male role models. Does he need one? Maybe? :/
 
I am not conservative. But I do feel cchildren benefit from loving parents and that different gender roles offer different things. That doesn’t mean I don’t think gay parents cannot get great or single parents, and goodness knows that hetero parents are the norm yet inflict abuse and neglect often enough.
 
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