At 48 growing up in Mississippi the worst thing you could be or fear you could have was the thought of being gay. That is such a sad thing to write and say. My first sexual experience was at 2 or 3 (all I know is I could walk, talk and had my 4rth birthday at a different house). A boy my age down the street gave me a blow job and wanted me to give him one but I declined. In retrospect this was really nothing but it haunted me. Around 13 gay men started hitting on me and I was almost raped on vacation at 14. I was so ashamed I told no one. If gay men were hitting on me did they know something I did not? I had this misconception that if I just had sex with a woman that would mean I wasn't gay and that was why I had sex the first time. Not out of love or any reason that would be right but out of fear I could be gay thinking this would alleviate that fear. I think why your thread has stuck a cord is figuring out your sexual orientation is traumatic in and of itself if you are gay or straight but have yet to figure it out.
I've always wondered what would have happened to me if I were raped on that vacation. I don't know and never will. Looking back I think how silly all of this sounds but the power society exerts over how we feel about ourselves is strong. That said society is moving in the right direction. My wife is a teacher and will be chaperoning prom tonight where there will be straight couples, gay couples, transgender kids and a lot of kids who go single (not an option in my day) in large groups. We have moved forward. If I had to guess what effect sexual trauma has on people my guess would be it's possible it could change orientation but since the majority of people who are raped are women and those that were heterosexual typically stayed heterosexual I would guess the effect is minimal but the trauma is great. I'm also thinking the spectrum of sexuality not being fixed is correct. If the macho asshole in high school grew up in early Rome he would have been gay or bisexual. Same with early Greece. What I do know about myself now is I can't help being straight. I did not choose it. It's just the way things worked out. Were it a choice my gay friends in high school would never have chosen to make life so difficult to go against the norm by being gay. We simply are what we are. Excellent thread by the way.
I've always wondered what would have happened to me if I were raped on that vacation. I don't know and never will. Looking back I think how silly all of this sounds but the power society exerts over how we feel about ourselves is strong. That said society is moving in the right direction. My wife is a teacher and will be chaperoning prom tonight where there will be straight couples, gay couples, transgender kids and a lot of kids who go single (not an option in my day) in large groups. We have moved forward. If I had to guess what effect sexual trauma has on people my guess would be it's possible it could change orientation but since the majority of people who are raped are women and those that were heterosexual typically stayed heterosexual I would guess the effect is minimal but the trauma is great. I'm also thinking the spectrum of sexuality not being fixed is correct. If the macho asshole in high school grew up in early Rome he would have been gay or bisexual. Same with early Greece. What I do know about myself now is I can't help being straight. I did not choose it. It's just the way things worked out. Were it a choice my gay friends in high school would never have chosen to make life so difficult to go against the norm by being gay. We simply are what we are. Excellent thread by the way.