Shame and guilt

[saraemerald]

I've even told my therapist that I would rather have problems with being an alcoholic than that thought

 

[saraemerald]

If you look at religion, it doesn't seem to help you anymore. Maybe you need to rely on your own interna...

I have done research on my religion since I left and have discovered for myself that it is not the truth, also that it is a cult and is very difficult to leave without any repercussions. I just wish I discovered that while I was in it still. I wouldn't have hurt myself so badly then and sabotaged evrythijg I had worked hard for in my life. When I had that thought, I thought something must be wrong with my faith or there was seriously something wrong with me and then I stupidly discounted all the good I had done to recover from having PTSD and OCD and totally went backwards in the worst way. I became more ashamed of myself then than ever before and was also very confused and dumbfounded

 

[aut555]

Ok , to actively change your thought process , l have done this. I identify the bad thought, l am "this or that". Then l identify that thought is not a healthy thought, and l replace it with a new postive thought, over and over until it is second nature. Your brain doesn't control you. You control your thought process.

 

[aut555]

So start with self-affirmation that l love myself, that l deserve to forgive myself. Don't hang in the past with what went wrong.

 

[saraemerald]

Ok , to actively change your thought process , l have done this. I identify the bad thought, l am "this...

I used to do that before when I was struggling with intrusive thoughts. I know I need to do it again.
What holds me back and I need help overcoming it, is I did all of these things before to help me recover in my life while my friends were pushing meds. And when I DID recover, they didn't acknowledge it and weren't happy for me and one of them was negative about it. So I ruined it, like I explained in this thread and now it's so hard for me to have the motivation to do it again because I've lost my positive atttitude. I feel so sad about everything and haven't been able to find a motivating force again

 

[saraemerald]

I know I need to start fresh and new again. My entire outlook and my entire life has changed drastically since I was ousted. For good and bad.

 

[saraemerald]

It took me awhile to realize too that the religion I was a part of was not the truth and that is what contributed a lot to the self sabotage because I believed I would end up dying in armageddon

 

[saraemerald]

It's hard when you think you are doing everything the right way (whatever that is..lol) and you are working really hard to recover from some pretty tough crap and you think you finally have made it to a point of recovery you believed possible, and then you find yourself sabotaging everything and in such a weird way and then don't even know why you are. That really sucks..

 

[saraemerald]

I just want so bad for it all to be over and for me to be able to breathe again and forgive myself for acting so weird and totally out of character

 

[saraemerald]

This is causing knots in my stomach just typing all this out. I have to keep telling myself, it's going to be OK.

 

[aut555]

So identify the thought, then identify it is negative and doesn't benefit you. Replace it with a new thought. Identify it as your new truth, repeat it. Shut down all thoughts re: shame, blame, etc. We can't change our past, we can't please everybody, so start with you now in life. Make one little change everyday for you that shows you are moving in a new direction of self- acceptance. This can be exercise, this can be self-journaling, this could be a career change or new start.

 

[Teamwork]

It is possible that when you tried to deny everything you had been raised to believe, the guilt and condemnation you were also raised in flaired up. It might be time to take one teaching at a time and examine it for truth, error and what you now believe. You cannot take it all apart at once, but you can dismantle it a little at a time. There are many who have left the church and it is possible to find a book written just for you who have left, that would help walk you out of your mindset. Those who have been there and done the work to freedom from religious abuse may be your best resource. Of course keep talking to us, but also add to it from the source of knowledge that others have already written. This will also help you to know you are not alone.