Firstly, I wanna apologize for being a rambling mess. I'm surprised this thread still gets replies
Can I ask exactly how you are able to be friends with your ex's?
I never could, regardless of who did the breaking up.
It was just too painful for them or for me. To go from crazy intensity to chill casual friends....just couldn't happen.
It wasn't really chill or casual. Its usually more like "we care about each other, but we're better as spiritual siblings than lovers". I've had relationships that ended with apathy, progressed into hatred, then into reconciliation and friendship. It takes bravery and emotional... Maturity? I don't like that word, it sounds too condescending but I don't know how else to put it.
The painful part is that it can't always happens right away, sometimes it takes time to process, other times you may think their new flame is bad for them and that leads to arguements and misunderstandings of intentions ("they're just saying that because they want me back, not because there's something wrong", and such thoughts)
For example, after not talking for two years, one ex moved right next to my relatives. I gathered my courage, marched up that hill and knocked on that door. We talked about how our lives had been, and realized we missed talking to each other. Suddenly I didn't feel bad about losing her. Eventually she dumped the abusive guy and her new bf - now husband - would come play scrabble at my place daily. Did I still pine for her? Sort of. We did have a week where we tried again but it didn't work. I was more than satisfied that she found someone who kept her safe instead of putting her in danger. I have a strong chivalrous streak, and thats why this shut out has been so hard. Lingering feelings I can easily control, but the need to know someone is okay and still wanting to confide in them, to shoulder their burdens and hear their encouragement, thats so hard to push aside. When I see a scared beaten dog I want to shelter them, I fall in love. It can be platonic, thats okay. I don't want to fix them, I want to protect them. I cope via closeness not distance like most people. Distance just makes it worse.
I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Thanks. That means so much.
When we were together she would get very drunk and talk about how I would want to have sex with other girls sooner or later, that she could handle losing me as long as I was happy and taken care of. She even had dreams that played out that way. Judging from her last communication, that's whats running through her mind now. A part of me hopes she'll come back, or want to be friends when shes capable of real conversation again. But the fear is that my concerned messages the first month have confirmed what she yelled at me about - that I can't respect her space. Is it so wrong to worry about someone? Would she want to be friends with me? Is her ability to reply only because I was so unique to her and she doesn't want me to be unhappy?
I am an emotional man and I know she felt like she didn't fit with her highly emotionally ex that wanted her back. She could not be friends with him even though she tried. I remember how upset she was when she told me she just couldn't reply to him anymore. She tried to seem apathetic to not upset me, but shes never realized that shes a very easy person to read. His last message was "why?" I don't know if she never told him, or if he was too stubborn to accept her vague explanations. Do I have to pretend all feelings are gone, or get a new girlfriend to draw her back? Do I have to tell her about the mood stabilizers I'm taking, the therapy? It makes me cry. I already know she feels like shes no good for me, it hurts to wonder if she thinks im no good for her. I'm terrified to talk to her at all now. I had anxiety attacks - like, laying on the floor writhing in pain level - every time I did message her after the shut out. Of course I also did every time I was about to see her or when she had isolation days. Less severe though. Which is exactly how I messed things up. She was always worried that she'd "f*ck it up" with her problems. But nah, it was me. Even though she reassured me that I wouldn't.
My friends are very close, hugs, men telling each other "I love you", women that support me and listen to me vent, remind me to take care if my health. She was surprised at that closeness, envious even. Which makes sense considering the apathy I got from her supposed best friend when I asked about her. Several friends want to contact her, to try to get my books and clothes or get me closure. To tell her I want friendship. I haven't let them. A couple girls did anyway early on. One didn't mention me and got bubbly, friendly replies. Another asked what was going on with Us and got silence. Its awful, I feel like its just me. That theres barely a 1% chance of ever hearing from her without pushing and I don't want to do that. Never intended to.
I'm terrified of going to our usual hangout, afraid she'll freak out. It sucks to miss so many good bands though. Music brought us together.
So ... Which is it gonna be?
One is a healthy, reasonable response to being dumped. One is a really, really extreme reaction to being dumped.
Choose wisely.
It isn't working with the other girl, she isolates even more and I think we're just gonna be friends. Her ptsd is less severe, but her depression is stronger. I've been looking to leave for years and it's only an hour away. I've since decided to get a year lease with a friend, save some money first. Nobody young wants to stay in a small rural retirement town where the jobs are non-existent and pipeliners have jacked up rent beyond urban levels. It would be cool to have places to socialize. It would also be nice to meet college girls that actually like my type. This city girl and her nice paycheck was my ticket to a future. Moving on is finding a way to build that future on my own.
